


Scary Love

by klausanddiego



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Abusive Reginald Hargreeves, Angst, Apocalypse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drugs, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pseudo-Incest, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:53:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 58,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26394463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klausanddiego/pseuds/klausanddiego
Summary: "Your love is therapyNo drug can give me clarityAs much as you doYeah, I need you hereYour love is scaring meNo one has ever cared for meAs much as you do"
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch, Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 14
Kudos: 41





	1. Broken - Anson Seabra

**Author's Note:**

> I had a Kliego playlist and decided to turn it into a story...Why not?

_ If you see the boy I used to be _

_ Could you tell him that I'd like to find him _

_ And if you see the shell that's left of me _

_ Could you spare him a little kindness _

Klaus Hargreeves, "Number Four" of the Umbrella Academy, knew he had become an empty shell. All the things that used to fill him and make him feel good were gone, in fact, he had had to leave them behind on purpose to stop hearing the screams of scary ghosts. 

After all those years, Klaus missed the chills that made him feel alive, the emotion that filled his heart, the laughter of his brothers, his own spontaneous laughter, the blond-haired woman who wore beautiful 50s clothes that he called Mom. But his addictions had forced him to isolate himself and drained him. 

_ 'Cause I've been high and I've been low _

_ I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight _

_ And feelings come but they won't go _

_ Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind _

Klaus wanted to go back to being that lively and unstoppable little boy, the one who chased Ben through the corridors of the big house where they lived. He would have liked to go back to being the favourite brother of his sisters Vanya and Allison, sitting in one of their rooms while he learned how to wear mascara. He would have liked to go back to playing with Luther and Five at those card games he had never understood. He would have loved, very, very much, to go back to being that little boy who would sneak in the middle of the night into his brother Diego's room and fall asleep with his caresses.

He would have given everything to go back to when they were still children, but it was too late and they had also become strangers. 

He was almost happy to feel empty. Not feeling was better than facing reality. For Klaus, a heroin trip was much better than facing his powers, his nightmares and the fact that his family hated him...that Diego hated him.

_ Am I broken? _

_ Am I flawed? _

_ Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I _

_ Just another fake, fucked up lost cause? _

_ And am I human? _

_ Or am I something else? _

_ 'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there _

_ To save me from the nightmare that I call myself _

His body was moving without him even really knowing what he was doing. He just survived, ignored that pain and did whatever it took to get a dose. 

When he walked through the streets of the city where he grew up, with his extravagant clothes stolen from a few stalls, any person who crossed his path avoided him. He had once heard a mother tell her children that if they did not study and behave like good little men, they would become "like him". 

Klaus could not hold his thoughts back. If that woman had seen what kind of childhood he had had, she certainly would not have even thought the words that came out of her lips. He had grown up without a name, he had grown up as a simple number. Number Four. Running away from that place had been the only good decision in his life. Probably his father's abuse would have killed him before the drugs. 

His siblings had started to accuse him several times of using those drugs and alcohol just to get attention. And in part it was true. It was his desperate way of asking for help. He believed that by making more and more extreme gestures someone would notice him and maybe finally help him. Instead everyone, or almost everyone, started to treat him worse than before. Diego, prior to abandoning him like everyone else, had tried the impossible to save him, but Klaus made an irreparable mistake, locking him out for good. Well, he locked himself out of Diego's life.

Perhaps he deserved to be the empty person he had become. The right punishment for an individual like him. 

_ I've tried everything and anything _

_ But nothing seems to work quite like it should _

_ Between the madness and the apathy _

_ Seems there's nothing left inside of me that's good _

Klaus had lost count of how many times he passed out and then woke up between clean sheets. 

In the beginning it was always those of Diego's bed, fresh and impregnated with his perfume. He used to wake up with the smell of coffee and a trickle of light that illuminated the best flat his brother could afford. He would enjoy the moment for a few minutes, then head into the kitchen and the first words Diego would say to him were "This is the last time I am coming to save you, Klaus. You have to get clean or I'll stop helping you". 

And Klaus told him he would. He promised every single time. 

"I want you here when I get back, don't run away," Diego told him before he went to work. And he nodded, distracted, already aware that he couldn't assure him that he would stay on his couch. In fact, not even half an hour later Klaus had taken his coat and disappeared. 

The truth was that he was not afraid of that threat because Number Two had told it so many times that he was sure that Diego would’ve never been brave enough to stop helping him. He was the only light left in Klaus' life, the last hope, and he knew he was throwing it all away but being sober scared him.

Then one day it really happened. Diego was no longer there for him. And his world collapsed. Klaus felt himself dying and it was at that moment that his life began to be a constant comings and goings through dark alleys, hospitals and rehabilitation centres. 

His nights became so cold and lonely that it hurt. He was sure that he had reached the bottom, if even Number Two had lost hope then it was a lost cause. 

But losing him was not Klaus' plan, so he decided to clean himself up to go back to Diego, to go home with him and stay. 

He had heard that once you reach the bottom you can only climb back up, why not try it then? 

_ 'Cause I've been high and I've been low _

_ I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight _

_ And feelings come but they won't go _

_ Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind _

On a summer night, Number Four walked quietly, trying to reach a different, more "effective" rehabilitation centre. 

Footsteps were heavy behind him and then obscene comments filled the air until they reached his ears. Two men were following him. They were rotten drunk, fresh out of a club. Klaus ignored them, he was used to that kind of attention because they were the only ones he received, and he started walking faster, until he made a mistake. He walked down a little street that was supposed to be a shortcut, but it was his trap. It was narrow and dark, almost uninhabited, perfect for beating to death. 

Klaus stopped and decided that he would face them. They were not the first ones who wanted to beat him up for fun. He was worth nothing to anyone, not even to himself. 

Too bad those monsters didn't want to use him as a punching bag. He found himself stuck, his face pressed against the wall and the two men who used him as a sex toy. They took turns with him, his body, for who knows how long. 

Klaus lost all awareness, blood was pumping in his ears. They left him on the floor, still half naked, with his clothes torn off. 

Klaus blamed himself, just as he blamed himself for any abuse he had suffered in his life. He thought that it could never get better and what had happened to him was simply the universe pointing a huge middle finger at him. So he officially gave up.

So he became like the ghosts that haunted him. After that night he was transformed into those voices and surreal bodies that never gave him peace. Invisible to everyone except his brother Number Six, who was always with him. 

Klaus thought there wasn't much difference between them now, except that the one who had really passed away was Ben. Yet he could bet he felt... dead, at least on the inside. And Klaus also thought that, given what he had done with his life, he should be the dead brother. He deserved it.

Ben's death had come like a bolt from the blue, and old Reginald had blamed all his seven children. They had all been affected in some way, but Klaus was devastated. Ben's death had marked him, yet instead of honouring his memory and the promises he had made to him while he was alive, he had blamed himself for it and had stepped on those "little vices" around which he was making his whole life revolve. 

Drugs, alcohol and even sex had become his addiction. 

He had increased his doses because he was even more afraid of sleeping at night and that was the only way to stay awake. He had given himself to sex, selling himself for a few grams or pills. By now the damage was done and repairing it wasn't really like him. God, Ben must have really hated him at that point.

_ Am I broken? _

_ Am I flawed? _

_ Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I _

_ Just another fake, fucked up lost cause? _

_ And am I human? _

_ Or am I something else? _

_ 'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there _

_ To save me from the nightmare that I call myself _

His brother had never stopped begging him to stop. Ben was forced to watch his suffering grow out of all proportion and could do nothing but use words to try to convince Klaus to give himself a chance. Ben begged him to stop, told him that he was better than that, and he meant it. Klaus was not his addiction, Klaus was not a lost cause, Klaus was much more than that. A good brother, a good friend, a person who remained kind in spite of everything, someone with a big heart. That's what Ben saw in his brother. He knew that Klaus could have a better life with someone to take care of him. But Klaus couldn't believe him. No one would ever take him seriously and he knew it. He was hopelessly convinced that there was nothing good in him anymore.

He was broken into a thousand pieces.

_ Am I broken? _

_ Am I flawed? _

_ Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I _

_ Just another fake, fucked up lost cause? _

_ And am I human? _

_ Or am I something else? _

_ 'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there _

_ To save me from the nightmare that I call myself _


	2. Boy in the Bubble - Alec Benjamin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After seeing how Klaus' life was like, now we see Diego's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Boy in the Bubble - Alec Benjamin

_It was 6:48, I was walking home_

_Stepped through the gate, and I'm all alone_

_I had chicken on the plate, but the food was cold_

_Then I covered up my face so that no one knows_

_I didn't want trouble, I'm the boy in the bubble_

_But then came trouble_

Diego Hargreeves, "Number Two" of the Umbrella Academy, the vigilante and guardian of the city.

That was not supposed to be his job, Eudora always told him. 

In the dark of night, when his radio intercepted the police radio, he would run to help those in need, leaving behind nothing but a few bodies and the sound of the blue and red sirens of the cops cars. 

Diego was like that, his hero complex would never leave him. He had to help the weakest, those in trouble, the most helpless or whoever needed him. No one had to suffer the way he did, ever. Whether it was a thief in the house or husbands and fathers beating their family members, Diego was always on the alert and ready to do what he thought was right. He was made to be a hero.

_When my mom walked into the living room_

_She said, "Boy, you gotta tell me what they did to you"_

_I said, "You don't wanna know the things I had to do"_

_She said, "Son, you gotta tell me why you're black and blue"_

_I said I didn't want trouble, I'm the boy in the bubble_

_But then came trouble_

And it was always at night he came back injured in that flat. Bleeding nose, split lip, black eye, a few cuts, a few bullet holes. Whatever it was, Diego clenched his teeth and went home to treat his wounds. 

When he was little, his mother took care of these things. Grace. The beautiful blonde, kind and loving woman who had always been close to him. She had taught him to be a man and all the positive qualities he had, Diego was sure that he had absorbed them from her. Mom. The only positive figure in that childhood that had been an experiment... No, a vivisection. Because that's how Diego had felt. 

Numbers instead of names, absurd and strict rules, inhuman training, no affection was allowed. It was strictly necessary to fight for Dad's attention, for his approval, which would never come because that man always wanted more and there were no excuses.

If you hurt yourself you had to be silent and suffer, you had to pay for the mistakes made during the missions, "Only the weak cry" and so nobody dared shed a tear, not even when Grace had to fix a broken arm or sew up some deep cuts.

_And my heart was pumping, chest was screaming_

_Mind was running, air was freezing_

_Put my hands up, put my hands up_

_I told this kid I'm ready for a fight_

_Punch my face, do it 'cause I like the pain_

_Every time you curse my name_

_I know you want the satisfaction, it's not gonna happen_

_Knock me out, kick me when I'm on the ground_

_It's only gonna let you down_

_Come the lightning and the thunder_

_You're the one who'll suffer, suffer_

The worst part were those training sessions where Diego was forced to fight Luther. It was a fight that could last for hours, Luther hit him and Diego hit him back harder. It became a race and the last one standing didn't win anything, but when they were little they couldn't understand that, and so they jumped down their throats like hungry wolves for half a spark of approval from the man they called their father. 

The power of Luther's super strength and his obedience to Reginald made him Daddy's favourite, he was "Number One" for a reason after all. And Diego hated him. Always so perfect, a born winner. 

He was instead destined to be "Number Two", the second in the ranking. Good but not enough, never enough. And for this reason he was forced to train more, in a room where moving around was impossible and Diego had to dodge, hit, throw. Again. Again. And again. Until he was exhausted, until he had no more air in his lungs, until black spots clouded his sight.

"You're weak Number Two" he said every time before letting him go to his room. Because of his stuttering Diego never answered because he knew very well that he would only confirm his father's statement. But then, with the help of his loving mother and Klaus, Diego had managed to get rid of that problem too, and had begun to rebel decisively. He was not afraid of that old man and, unfortunately for him, he was certainly not afraid of him. Reginald stopped using words as a means to bring Number Two back into line and began to use force. Diego remembered perfectly the day it happened for the first time. 

_Well, I squared him up, left my chest exposed_

_He threw a quick left hook and it broke my nose_

_I had thick red blood running down my clothes_

_And a sick, sick look 'cause I like it though_

_I said I didn't want trouble, I'm the boy in the bubble_

_But then came trouble_

_And my heart was pumping, chest was screaming_

_Mind was running, nose was bleeding_

_Put my hands up, put my hands up_

_I told this kid I'm ready for a fight_

He was training with his knives, perfecting the aim and movement of their trajectory. Reginald was watching him, continuing to tell him to do better, blaming him for not being focused, for not being good enough. It became such an annoying chant in his ears that one of the knives ended up stuck in the jamb of the wooden door, very close to his father's face. "You missed your aim, Number Two. I told you: you're not good enough," his voice thundered. And as he heard those words, Diego snapped, beginning to accuse him of not being a father, but a monster. He told him that he was ruining the lives of seven children, he told him that of the two, the one who was not good enough was him. 

Obviously Reginald was not the kind of man who let it go, he hated insolence and Diego provoked him properly. He lifted the sleeves of his shirt slowly, approached him and a slap came straight to Number Two’s cheek. He tried to protect himself, pushing him away, but it only seemed to make the situation worse because his father hit him harder. 

The pain of that moment could be felt by him even as an adult. He had been wounded in pride and not only physically. But Diego had certainly not stopped, it would not have been a couple of blows to shut him up. He took every beating as a challenge.

Luckily, when he returned from one of his punishments, Klaus was already in his room, sitting on his bed waiting for him, looking terrified. Diego would close the door behind him and go curl up in his arms. He was the only person who could make him happy, the only one with whom he was not afraid to be vulnerable. He allowed him to take a break from all that effort, from that endless competition, from that anger that blinded him most of the time. 

Klaus was really the best part of his days. Seeing him smile, hearing his stories, watching him twirl in Allison’s skirt, feeling his delicate touches. All those little things made Diego the happiest boy in the world. He would have done anything for him. 

Then, like everything else in his life, that ended too. The disappearance of Five, the death of Ben, Klaus who disappeared for days and in the blink of an eye Diego had lost him. For years he hadn't heard from him or tracked him down, zero. He was too angry with Klaus to have abandoned him in that house.

_Punch my face, do it 'cause I like the pain_

_Every time you curse my name_

_I know you want the satisfaction, it's not gonna happen_

_Knock me out, kick me when I'm on the ground_

_It's only gonna let you down_

_Come the lightning and the thunder_

_You're the one who'll suffer_

One night his radio had intercepted an order to check a suspicious place where drugs were being exchanged. 

Diego had arrived first. That's when he saw him again for the first time in years. Changed, grown up, but still Klaus.

His green eyes had settled on him, a smile was born on his lips and then he took two pills to his lips. Number Two understood that he had to take him away as soon as the sirens of the police cars sounded high. 

From that moment on he decided never to let him out of his sight again, trying to save him from himself. He would pick him up from any alley and take him to his house, under the eyes full of disappointment of his new girlfriend Eudora.

She hated it when Diego came home with Klaus half unconscious in his arms. She was tired of having a drifter on her sofa or even in her bed. She was tired of seeing Klaus take advantage of his brother's love and was terribly jealous of how much more his boyfriend cared for him than her.

_It was 6:48, he was walking home_

_With the blood on his hands from my broken nose_

_But like every other day, he was scared to go_

_Back to his house 'cause his pops was home_

_Drowning his troubles in whiskey bubbles_

_Just looking for trouble_

_Well, there's no excuse for the things he did_

_But there's a lot at home that he's dealing with_

_Because his dad's been drunk since he was a kid_

_And I hope one day that he'll say to him_

_"Put down those bubbles and that belt buckle_

_In this broken bubble"_

That an argument happened was inevitable and Diego was sure that Eudora and her pressure on both of them was also the reason that everything had ended up so shitty.

So Diego promised to save everyone, especially those like him and Klaus. 

Ever since he was a child he had hoped that someone would come and save him, bring good to his little life, but no one had ever come. He had learned to be his own vigilante and had the will to dedicate himself to himself, and to anyone who needed his help. Even Klaus, if Diego ever managed to find him again. 

_Punch my face, do it 'cause I like the pain_

_Every time you curse my name_

_I know you want the satisfaction, it's not gonna happen_

_Knock me out, kick me when I'm on the ground_

_It's only gonna let you down_

_Come the lightning and the thunder_

_You're the one who'll suffer, suffer_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's chapter two. I hope you enjoyed reading this and feel free to leave some kudos and let me know what you think!  
> Love u xoxo


	3. I Found - Amber Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where it all began

_ I'll use you as a warning sign _

_ That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind _

_ And I'll use you as a focal point _

_ So I don't lose sight of what I want _

_ And I've moved further than I thought I could _

_ But I missed you more than I thought I would _

_ And I'll use you as a warning sign _

Number Two had always had an innate instinct to protect Number Four. 

The truth was also that Klaus was the only one who had learned not to hate and who did not hate him. 

He had felt bound to him from the moment when, at only six years old, Diego found the other one crying in a corner in the kitchen. He had approached him, curious to know if he was crying because Mom had hidden the biscuit jar again, or if Dad had yelled at him for bothering him. He had tapped a little finger on his shoulder and Klaus stood up, looking scared. When he realised it was Number Two, he hugged him, happy to see someone made of flesh and blood. 

The other one asked him what he was doing hiding between the fridge and the cupboard, and the answer made him want to cry too. Klaus told him that there were a man and a woman sitting at the table staring angrily at him. Diego couldn't see anyone, which meant that there were ghosts sitting there and not real people. So he took Number Four's hand and ran away, taking him to the living room where the rest of their siblings were playing.

The children were aware of the powers they had, Reginald had started his lessons right away, forcing them to control themselves. Everyone had made astonished comments the first time, excited to be like those superheroes Grace told them about before they slept. 

Vanya was the only one who had no powers and everyone almost made fun of her, everyone except Klaus, who wanted to be like her. He was terrified of those people he saw. I mean, what child wouldn't be? At night it was hard to sleep with those frightening screams, but then his sister Vanya would go up to him and hold his hand. She seemed to understand him perfectly without saying anything. 

_ That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind _

_ And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be _

_ Right in front of me _

_ Talk some sense to me _

The children gradually became teenagers. The need to have fun and be ordinary children in them grew but it became impossible since every day was full of lessons, training or missions. Fortunately Reginald Hargreeves was a busy man and sometimes travelled on business away from home, leaving his children free to breathe for up to three days. Grace let them and so did Pogo. They deserved a little holiday.

In those days Diego and Ben spent their time playing pranks on Luther, and Luther and Five teamed up to return the favor. Klaus was the one who was excluded, but he didn't care much. Making fake candied apples with onions or wrapping other people's beds with plastic wrap wasn't really something he cared about. He preferred to sit with his sisters in Allison's room. Allison had noticed how curious Klaus was about the way she put lipstick on Vanya. So she invited him to sit in the chair in front of the mirror and asked him what colour he wanted on his lips. Vanya then added a touch of black pencil to his green eyes, which shone with joy. He loved it so much. Klaus knew he was a strange guy, but he wasn't scared of it. When he went to Diego's room at the end of the day, as he used to do, the other boy was astonished. Number Two was sure that his feelings began to grow from that very moment. He began to pay attention to the way his heart went faster every time Klaus held him in his arms. He looked for him with his eyes often during their training together and during meals he couldn't help but meet those green eyes that smiled at him secretly. It was an unusual, almost alien feeling for two boys who were growing up in an environment where affection was not understood or taught. Diego was only sure that Klaus was the only person with whom he could be sensitive and sweet. And he loved that. 

_ And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be _

_ Right in front of me _

_ Talk some sense to me _

On the threshold of their fourteenth birthday, Number Two began to wonder more and more if Number Four was feeling what he was feeling. He wondered if when he looked him in the eye, shivers ran down his back. He wondered if he too was looking forward to going back between the sheets of his bed to tell funny stories or to be silent listening to music. He wondered if Klaus also saw him as a safe haven, as the only relief, as someone to love. 

For Diego there was nothing better than Klaus. With his big green eyes, his strength and that unique sensitivity never seen before. Delicate, loving and gentle. Even when his world was falling apart, Klaus was there, ready to put his problems aside and help him. And he was grateful to him on several occasions. 

_ And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge _

_ Of how much to give and how much to take _

_ I'll use you as a warning sign _

_ That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind _

One evening at dinner, Five asked his father why he could not yet travel through time. He was angry, almost offended that the parent didn't think he would make it. He was impatient, he was ready. Reginald didn't want to know anything about it, he told the boy that he wasn't ready, that he wouldn't be able to, and he didn't say that just to underestimate him. 

But Five tried anyway. He jumped through time through one of his blue portals...And never came back. 

The boys were shaken by the event, Vanya began to leave lights on in case Five returned. The thing that hurt the seven siblings most was that Reginald didn't give any weight to the matter, clearly thinking a huge, gigantic "I told you so". They didn't think it was right. Everyone wondered if Five was all right, except their father. Everyone was worried and hoped he would come back, except their father. He simply announced Five's disappearance after not even two days and hung a portrait of him on the fireplace.

Klaus had noticed how Diego had gritted his teeth, his jaw was tense, as if he wanted to scream at their father...But he didn't. He went away in silence, slamming his angry feet. Number Four had followed him to check if he was all right, even though he knew the answer. 

_ And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be _

_ Right in front of me _

_ Talk some sense to me _

_ And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be _

_ Right in front of me _

_ Talk some sense to me _

\- Diego, wait - he told him, trying to stop him. The other threw him into his room and closed the door. He didn't want to kick Klaus out, on the contrary he needed him.

\- He's an a-asshole, he's a r-really big as-asshole - he let out of his lips with difficulty. Diego shut up, embarrassed that after months of improvement, his stuttering was there again. Klaus wasn't there to judge him, on the contrary, he was happy with the way he had committed himself and found it normal that with so many negative emotions in him a few words had not succeeded as he wanted.

\- Hey, hey - he said to him, taking his face in his hands. Number Four forced the other to stop avoiding his gaze and immediately everything stopped. That was the moment in which Klaus knew, without needing words. Strong emotions came up, feeling the gap between them. They could feel each other’s hearts beating fast. 

When calm began to flow again in Diego, Klaus sat him down on the bed, standing between his legs and hugging him tight. That's what people who love you do. They put their arms around you and love you when you're not so lovable.

Diego closed his eyes and was delighted with the presence of Klaus, the warmth of his body. He couldn't help it, he always felt safe with him. He felt his breathing become more regular as the minutes passed.

\- How can he not be touched by the disappearance of one of his children? Five was careless, but we are kids, what do you expect? He's s-securely lonely and l-lost and that monster doesn't care - he managed to say shortly afterwards, expressing that disappointment in a father who didn't act like one...who never did.

\- We care. Diego, he will come back, I'm sure of it. Five will be with us again, he will find a way, you know how he is - Klaus stroked his hair, stopping to play with it from time to time. Number Four would never know how fast Number Two’s heart was going just by being hugged like that. And viceversa.

\- Klaus? - Diego called his attention after further moments of comforting silence. 

\- Yes? - the boy caressed the back of his head and the other one fell away for a moment so that he could look him in the eye again. Diego could’ve lost himself in those eyes forever.

\- Promise me that you will never leave me alone - he said almost whispering to him, with tears in his eyes. Diego needed Klaus in his life, he was his only security since ever. 

\- I promise you Diego, I will be like the ghosts that haunt me - Klaus answered him, puffing amusedly on his last words. A smile finally made room on Number Two's face. 

\- You're not going to scream in my ears, are you? - the boy raised an eyebrow, feeling that finally the air around him no longer suffocated him.

\- Don't I already do that all the time? - a laugh came out of Klaus' lips and Diego followed. The latter didn't think twice about pulling the other boy down on the bed with him, who ended up right on top of him. Klaus let out a surprised noise and their glances met again, but Diego wasn't brave enough to do what his instincts were telling him. So they simply stayed in that position for who knows how long. 

Just before he fell asleep, Diego heard Klaus say something to him.

\- Promise me not to do anything stupid when I am not there - he whispered and Diego nodded, unaware that he had already broken his promise.

_ Oh, and I found love where it wasn't supposed to be _

_ Right in front of me _

_ Talk some sense to me _

_ And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be _

_ Right in front of me _

_ Talk some sense to me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this chapter! The next one will be coming soon, I'll try to post one each day so stay tuned.  
> Hope you enjoyed, love you so much xoxo


	4. Next to me - Imagine Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Diego got the scar on his face and Klaus's drug problem begun.

_ Something about the way that you walked into my living room _

_ Casually and confident lookin' at the mess I am _

_ But still you, still you want me _

A year passed and Diego and Klaus became even more inseparable. Number Two was extremely protective of Number Four, who was constantly worried about him and his getting into trouble. 

After the disappearance of Number Five in the house nothing seemed to have changed in Reginald's eyes, but in reality everything had gone to shit. 

The rivalry between Diego and Luther had grown so much that the two of them spoke only to insult each other and quarrel. Allison obviously defended Luther and Klaus did the same with Diego and this made them strongly disagree. Vanya was kept away from everyone, the fact that she had no powers had made her excluded and forgotten. Ben tried to make peace between the brothers, but because he was small and sensitive nobody listened to him. The only one he could talk to without feeling like a five-year-old was Klaus, in that case he was the child. 

_ Stress lines and cigarettes, politics and deficits _

_ Late bills and overages, screamin' and hollerin' _

_ But still you, still you want me _

Diego was beaten almost regularly since he had rebelled against his father the very morning after he promised Klaus not to do anything stupid. Lately it was because of those fights with Luther and in fact if a fight started and Reginald surprised them, it was always Diego's fault. Luther was untouchable, Number One was always right in his eyes. 

Living in that house was hell. And Klaus was probably the one who could understand him best of all. 

He had lost the afternoons with his sisters, he rarely saw Vanya and Allison made fun of him or ignored him. 

Every day he would die seeing the marks on Diego's face. At night, when they were finally alone in a world of their own, Klaus felt burning with anger as he held the other in his arms and heard him cry. Because Diego was hurt, he only asked to be loved by his father, not beaten. He asked that his brother Luther protect him instead of blaming him. He only asked to be treated like a human being and not a rabid dog. 

And Klaus wanted to defend him, he wanted to stand up against Luther, against their father, but Diego begged him not to get in the way. He asked him not to speak, not to intervene and not out of personal pride, but because he did not want Klaus to suffer the same violence. Diego could not risk it. So Klaus respected him and always did everything to show him that he was there, that he loved him even if he didn't have the courage to tell him. Klaus was Diego's safe haven and he couldn't have been happier. 

At the same time, as he grew, the strength of his power had increased and with it also the ghosts. His "private training" was more frequent because his father had noticed the fear of death in his eyes and the power he was unable to control, which was unacceptable to him. So he began to lock Klaus in a mausoleum more and more often. He was left there even for more than three hours, which for a normal person is not even a lot, but for him it was endless. The dead tried to use the boy as a bridge to the world of the living, seeking revenge and never stopping. An endless torture. He trembled and felt suffocated, sometimes he thought he was going to die.

Klaus hadn't told Diego anything about what his father was doing to him. He knew that if he did, a war would break out, Diego would never agree to stand still if he asked him to. 

So when Klaus came back free he took refuge on the roof, away from everything, and tried to recover on his own before Diego finished his training. Many times he wanted to run to him and take refuge in his arms, but then he was forced to stay where he was, with tears streaming down his cheeks. 

Sooner or later he and Diego would have run away from that place, together. Until then, he would have kept going with a few cigarettes, which helped to inhibit his power.

But cigarettes were no longer enough and Klaus went in search of something else. A guy had sold him some weed and that had worked out well. The ghosts had disappeared for more than five hours. 

_ Oh, I always let you down _

_ You're shattered on the ground _

_ But still I find you there _

_ Next to me _

At almost sixteen and a half years old, Klaus had got himself into trouble. Reginald had found a pack of cigarettes, which contained joints and not cigarettes, and alcohol in his room. 

The man had caught him rolling one of those joints and had started looking everywhere suspecting there were more. Then he grabbed him by the collar, dragged him out of the house and Klaus was gone for a whole day, maybe more. 

_ And oh, stupid things I do _

_ I'm far from good, it's true _

_ But still I find you _

_ Next to me (next to me) _

Diego, after his training, had looked for him everywhere. Usually Number Four was waiting for him in the kitchen with Mom, but he was not there that day and the woman looked strange. Grace had tried to lie to him and tell him that Klaus was probably out for a walk, but Diego didn't believe it. He had gone straight to his father's office, he knew he had something to do with it. Mom begged him to stay calm, Klaus would be back soon, but he couldn't wait. He wouldn't let Reginald hurt him. 

\- Number Two. Can I help you? - his tone was authoritarian, but calm. He was reading documents very focused.

\- Where's Klaus? - Diego crossed his arms, waiting for an answer. He decided not to be too aggressive right away. He wasn't sure how long it would last.

\- Number Four disobeyed the rules, Number Two. He is grounded, you can't see him - his father corrected him. Grace may have named the children, but he would never use them. Those kids were just an experiment in his eyes. 

\- His name is Klaus - the boy corrected him in turn. He was already feeling terribly annoyed, they were not animals, they were just kids and he was traumatizing them. Diego kept begging him to tell him what happened to Klaus, but Reginald ignored him. 

\- You have to wait, Number Two - he answered. He kept ignoring him, checking the papers in front of him. 

\- No, I'm not leaving until you tell me what you did to Klaus. I want to know where he is and how he is - Diego said. He felt he was about to lose control, his disdain was the thing he hated most about his father. He never cared about anything or anyone, and at that point he could have done anything to Klaus. 

\- I'll say it again for the last time: wait and stop asking questions - he finally paid attention to him, looking hard at the boy. Diego noticed his bruised knuckles while wearing the monocle to his eye. Had he beaten Klaus too?

Diego slammed his hands on his father's desk, then threw all the papers he was reading on the floor, along with other objects that were there, and pulled out one of his knives. Reginald sighed, as if he had reached the limit. He was full of Diego's behaviour, which despite the beating, did not change.

He skilfully took the knife from his hands and approached the boy, pushing him hard. Diego tried to escape him, to fight him, but he didn't succeed. Reginald grabbed his face with one hand, squeezing him by the jaw. He swung the knife glittering in front of his eyes and slowly swung the blade over Diego's skin, who was breathless. He held the object firmly, pressing hard, carving his face starting just above his ear and ending by his cheek. The pain was so strong that he could not even scream. His breath cut off and he feared that it would never stop.

Once satisfied, Reginald slapped him on the opposite cheek and threw him out of his office, telling him not to ask any more questions.

Diego fell to his knees, his head began to get light. He was bleeding profusely, blood dripping down his face, neck and hands with which he tried to stop it. 

\- Oh, Diego! - Grace screamed as soon as she saw him, also attracting the attention of Pogo who was with her. The two of them took him to the infirmary for immediate treatment. 

\- I have to wait for Klaus, awake - that was the last thing Diego said before he fainted. 

_ There's something about the way that you always see the pretty view _

_ Overlook the blooded mess, always lookin' effortless _

_ And still you, still you want me _

Klaus in the meantime was crouching in the dark in that narrow, macabre place. He kept hearing unbearable screams, moans of death, full of pain. If he kept his eyes open he could see them all around him, they had surrounded him. In that little space there really was only him, but Klaus couldn't even count how many of those people he saw around him. Women and men with brutal wounds, bluish colours and missing body parts. All too close to him, ready to suffocate him. 

If he closed his eyes they were there too, in his head, and it was an endless nightmare. He could not escape.

He trembled, sobbed, felt he couldn't take it anymore, he knocked on the iron door praying to get out. He didn't know how much time had passed, and he couldn't take it anymore, he was about to go crazy.

The squeaking of the iron door caught his attention, making him sit down quickly. If it was his father, he had to convince him that everything was running smoothly, that he was controlling the ghosts and was quiet, or he would have stayed there. 

\- Mr. Klaus, come - Pogo's voice sounded calm and familiar. The chimpanzee put its paw over him to help him get up. The boy grabbed it and then followed him to Reginald's studio. Klaus did not know whether to listen to the little voice that gave him a bad feeling.

He went in alone, Pogo looked down. What was going on?

Reginald started giving him a giant speech about how much the substances he had found in his room hurt, then he pulled out the package of cigarettes. One by one he lit the joints and put them out on the boy leaving burns. One on the hand, two inside the wrists, another on the collarbone and one on the face. Klaus begged him to stop, crying. He had already beaten him before throwing him in the cage, why this one too? He was a sadistic bastard. 

Once he was done, he sent him to his room and sat down quietly.

Klaus hid under the covers and started crying louder. It was too much psychophysical torture for him. The thought went to Diego, how he would react when he saw him... He would go out of his mind with rage. Klaus was scared out of his mind. He stayed there, hiding, until he fell asleep after almost 24 hours awake.

The house fell into total silence. 

_ I got no innocence, faith ain't no privilege _

_ I am a deck of cards, vice or a game of hearts _

_ And still you, still you want me _

Klaus was awakened by the sound of his feet pounding on the wood floor. The door to his room opened quickly, slamming against the wall. The boy sat frightened and then immediately approached Ben, who was trying to catch his breath. His brother was visibly shaken.

\- Ben? Ben, are you okay? - he put his hand on his shoulder, worried. 

\- Diego is in the infirmary - he answered, still tired. Those words went into Klaus' brain and exploded like a bomb. Now he was the one running through the corridors of the house and all those damn stairs. He didn't give Ben time to explain and he was going so fast that the other one couldn't keep up with him. In a second the terror of losing Diego came alive like a burning fire in him.

As soon as he arrived in front of the door, Pogo let him in quickly, before his father could see him. Mom was standing next to Number Two and held his hand.

\- Klaus! Honey, not you too... - the woman let go of the boy's hand, asleep and wounded, to get closer to the other one. 

\- I'm fine, mom...What happened to Diego? - Klaus tried to get past her and get to Diego, but the woman blocked him, taking his face in her hands.

\- Sit down, let me help you - Grace stroked his cheeks, inspecting the small wounds on his face.

\- No need, please - the boy tried to free himself from her soft grip. He was pleased that she was worried about him, but he didn't feel he wanted to be touched and cared for at the moment. Diego was more important and could not see him well from where he was. 

Mother and son started bickering, she tried to convince him to let her do it and he always said no. 

Their attention was drawn to Diego's voice, faint but still audible. The boy watched them, sitting on the bed.

\- Klaus - he just said. He finally managed to run towards him, then he suddenly stopped. Mom was keeping him away on purpose, she didn't want him to see him. 

The right side of Diego's face was practically covered with stitches. 

\- Diego...- he carried his shaking hands on his lips, then moved them to hold the other's hands. His eyes became shiny. He no longer needed explanations, it was clear that Diego had tried to defend him, ending up being tormented by his father. 

\- Don't cry, it's all right - he ran his thumbs down the back of Klaus' hands, trying to calm him down. The other shook his head, interrupting their eye contact. He continued to cry in silence, blaming himself for that violence. He didn't care what Reginald had done to him, but he did care what he had done to Diego. The latter felt the anger grow only to look at the bruises on Klaus’s face and the state in which he was, but decided to remain calm not to shake even more the boy who cried in his lap.

_ Oh, I always let you down _

_ You're shattered on the ground _

_ But still I find you there _

_ Next to me _

_ And oh, stupid things I do _

_ I'm far from good, it's true _

_ But still I find you _

_ Next to me _

Klaus took a while to calm down and Grace then allowed them both to retire to their rooms. Diego held Klaus's hand and as usual they went to the first one's room. They needed their time, each other and some love.

\- Why did you do it? - Number Four asked the other while he was lying with his face resting on his chest. 

\- What? - Number Two said, quietly stroking his curly hair.

\- Why did you intervene? - he asked again, this time being clearer. 

\- Because I wouldn't allow anyone to hurt you, especially him - the other answered. His tone was sure, he really meant it with all his heart. He loved Klaus so much that he'd do anything for him.

\- He could have killed you, you didn't have to - Klaus kept on his elbows so he could look at him. His green eyes were full of pain just thinking about it. Diego was the only beautiful thing in his life.

\- I had to, Klaus - Diego said the words as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. 

\- No, Diego, what would I have done without you? - he raised his eyebrows, his face took on an almost angry expression. Diego pulled him down again, hugging him.

\- Hey, I'm here. Don't think about what could have happened, it didn't happen and I'm here, with you - he squeezed him and then left a kiss on his forehead. Klaus let himself go to his cuddles and everything came back to him almost peacefully.

\- Promise me that you'll never do it again, at least that - Klaus started drawing little imaginary circles on Diego’s chest. 

\- I promise you...You know, I was afraid that he had kicked you out for good - Diego confessed what his fear had been, just as Number Four had told him his just before.

\- I wouldn't have left, not without you - the boy shook his head.

\- For real? - Number Two asked him, almost astounded. He didn't expect it... Or did he?

\- Yes, Diego. I promised never to leave you, remember? - he puffed with a smile on his lips. Klaus was a romantic, and it was inevitable at the time.

\- I remember...I promise you too - Diego replied, with a little smile on his lips. 

Everyone wants the perfect moment. Just as the poet seeks the perfect verse, the person, poet of life, seeks the perfect moment. The absolute instant. And look for it without really looking for it. Wait for it to fall from the sky, like a drop of rain. But it doesn't fall. The perfect moment demands a perfect predisposition. A perfect commitment. A perfect passion. Without predisposition, without commitment, without passion, the perfect moment will always be the perfect impossibility - the perfect lie. Wanting to live perfect moments without moving a muscle to be able to live perfect moments is perfect imbecility. If you want to find you have to look, if you want to taste you have to cook. Happiness is a matter of luck, yes. The luck of having in you the predisposition, commitment and passion to conquer it. It was a great fortune that Klaus was there to warn Diego.

_ So thank you for taking a chance on me _

_ I know it isn't easy _

_ But I hope to be worth it (oh) _

_ So thank you for taking a chance on me _

_ I know it isn't easy _

_ But I hope to be worth it (oh) _

\- Hey, Di? - he called his attention. The boy laid his eyes on him, paying attention to him. And Klaus did it. He stretched himself out to cancel out the distance between them. His lips touched Diego's and they joined in a kiss.

There it was, the perfect moment. Their first kiss, the beginning and the confirmation of those feelings too strong to remain hidden for much longer. Klaus wanted to be free, he wanted to live fully and after the events of that day he said he would do it, without regrets. 

Diego didn't have much to think about, except the immense happiness that overwhelmed him. He loved Klaus more than himself and nothing could have made him happier than that. He might have had his face ripped open, but he was sure that his heart was in one piece and beating like crazy.

_ Oh, I always let you down (I always let you down) _

_ You're shattered on the ground (shattered on the ground) _

_ But still I find you there _

_ Next to me _

_ And oh, stupid things I do (stupid things I do) _

_ I'm far from good, it's true _

_ But still I find you _

_ Next to me (next to me) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I really hope you are enjoying the story!   
> Love you all xoxo


	5. You have my heart - Emily Sage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet moments <3

_ Love, I'm craving your kiss _

_ And I catch you just out of reach _

_ But I'm feeling weak _

_ And I can't help this love _

The next morning Diego felt like waking up in a fairy tale. The first lights of the morning came in through the window, dimly illuminating the room, on the windowsill there were two birds chirping and then there was Klaus. Number Four had his face resting on his chest, he was still asleep and Diego waited a while before waking him up. Seeing him so quiet was unusual, a spectacle reserved only for him, which he jealously guarded. 

He could not stop thinking that Klaus had kissed him, again and again, until his lips were red. He had longed for it to happen so many times that it seemed like a dream. But when he woke up, Number Four was there. 

He smiled, then left a kiss on the other's forehead, whispering to him to wake up. Slowly his eyes opened, revealing his green irises, shimmering like emeralds. Diego got lost for a moment and then Klaus took the opportunity to leave a kiss on his lips. 

\- How do you feel? - he asked him, caressing the opposite cheek to the wounded one. Only then Diego paid attention to the pain that came from there. 

\- Emotionally I would say well, physically a little less... What about you? - Number Two answered and thought about the fact that Klaus had not yet told him what had happened the day before. He remembered that he had asked him and that he had answered that he did not want to talk about it. 

\- Never been better than this - a smile made room on Number Four's face. 

\- Would you like to talk about...Well, yesterday? - Diego sat down, taking his hands. He decided he wanted to have that conversation before he had any strange ideas and before training so at least he could let off steam without getting into trouble.

\- What is it? Do you already regret the kiss? - Klaus said with a confused expression. He felt the panic coming on, he was afraid he had messed everything up, as usual.

\- No, absolutely not, Klaus. It was the best thing you could do, trust me - he caressed his hands and his gaze fell on the burn as soon as Klaus made a little cry of pain. It was impossible not to notice other similar marks on the inside of his wrist. Diego frowned, without taking his eyes off them. 

\- We have to get ready, it's almost breakfast time - Klaus freed himself from the inspection of the other and got up, taking his Academy jacket off the ground. It didn't take him long to realize that Number Two with "I want to talk about yesterday" referred to the worst part of their day. And yes, he was still afraid that Diego might get angry if he told him about his "punishment", and it was the stitches along the right side of his face that told him it was better not to. 

But obviously the other one was a hothead and would not let him go easily. Diego got up from the bed, putting himself in front of the door to prevent him from getting out. 

\- Klaus, please - Diego gave him a worried look. At that point Klaus did not know how to say no.

\- You can see for yourself what happened, and if you want to know why: he found me smoking in my room - Klaus pointed to his face and raised his shoulders. He hoped that this explanation would be enough, now that things could get better, he didn't see why he could make things worse with lies he didn't want to tell. 

\- Oh shit, but didn't you spend at least fifty bucks on that stuff? - Diego answered only, almost laughing. A small part of him was happy that his father had found those things, at least he had thrown them away, but a good 99% was still angry about everything else. He decided that Klaus' words were enough and if he didn't want to go into details it was fine, he couldn't force him...He himself was the first one to keep things to himself most of the time. And then their morning had started well, why ruin it with a useless discussion?

\- Shit, you bet. But I had stolen that money from Dad anyway, so I didn't really lose much - Klaus replied laughing. Diego joined in and shook his head. He was really incorrigible and brilliant at the same time. 

Before leaving the room they spent some time hugging each other. Klaus was having fun provoking the other with little kisses on the neck and Diego kept his hands on his hips without any intention of letting go. To interrupt their sweet little moment was Grace who knocked on the door to tell them about breakfast. They broke away reluctantly and with some fear of finding out what was waiting for them outside those four walls.

Before going out Diego called Klaus back, grabbed him by the tie he had just fixed and kissed him. It was unexpected, the guy was not used to express his feelings, and therefore it was even more special.

Once out the door, they stopped being Klaus and Diego, and went back to being Number Two and Number Four.

_ Love, don't say a word _

_ Because I have made up my mind _

_ To give in this time _

_ You're touch makes me fall apart _

Once seated at the table in perfect time for breakfast, all the eyes of their siblings were on them. Klaus lowered his gaze, Diego turned a blind eye and held his head high. 

Luther dropped the spoon in his hand, staring at his brother's face. Allison, Ben and Vanya did not move, but their sorry looks said it all. Despite their arguments, it hurt to see Diego like that. No one imagined that their father could go that far and secretly everyone thought it was all Klaus' fault. And he could obviously read it in the face of each of his siblings. 

They began to eat in silence. That was unusual since breakfast was the only meal where Reginald was not present and they were free to chat. 

\- So? Who wants to say it first? - Klaus broke the silence. It had become impossible not to notice the heavy looks that passed from him to Diego as in a ping pong game, and he also noticed how Luther had shaken his head clearly in disappointment and Allison had kicked him to make him stop.

\- What, Klaus? - Allison looked at him confused, trying to pretend she didn't understand. The boy let one of his provocative giggles slip away, he was no fool. 

\- That he's selfish, and such an attention whore - Luther shrugged his shoulders, finally spitting out the words he was thinking. 

\- Don't you dare, Luther - Diego did not think twice about intervening, pointing the butter knife in his direction. He would not let the blame for what happened fall on him. His siblings had to stop thinking that Klaus was a problem or the cause of it.

\- Stay out of it, Diego - Number One told him and then he continued. - Do you have the courage to protect him? Am I wrong or do you have a deep cut in the face because of him? - he shook his head. Unexpectedly, before Number Two could speak, Klaus had got up and dropped his chair and walked out of the kitchen. 

All of a sudden he lacked air. He thought Luther wasn't wrong, he knew it was his fault. And although he was aware of how little esteem everyone had for him for the past year because of a couple of cigarettes and a few joints, he still felt sick. Maybe he really was just selfish, it had to be that way. He couldn't explain how Diego could love him, he was anything but a good person. Maybe Number Two had only found a temporary foothold in Klaus' love until he left home. 

Everyone always made him feel "less than" and that day it weighed a little more than usual.

\- Nice work, Number One - Diego gave him an elbow and left his seat at the table to go to the only person he thought worthy of his attention. The morning had started so well, everything was always fine when they were alone. The fact that Klaus had felt bad about his brother's words also hurt him. The events of the day before were not his fault, a normal parent would have handled the situation in a totally different way, without violence. But at that point, if they had had a normal father, Klaus would not have felt the need for rebellion, he would not have used that unhealthy coping mechanism and would not have bought the weed. 

Diego found him sitting on the bench in the garden next to the yellow flowers that Mom had planted. He decided he didn't need words, he just sat next to him and held him tight. At that gesture Klaus bursted into tears. Diego had never heard him sobbing like that and discovered that it hurt him more than anything. That sweet and lively soul deserved more to be reduced to stupid insults. 

He stroked his back to calm him down and shamelessly left kisses on the top of his head. He continued to stand beside him until he was sure that he felt a little better and was able to listen to him. Number Two couldn't help but feel the love that he felt stronger than ever, he felt Klaus’ tears get under his skin and it is known that tears join to the bone because yes, you celebrate in two - but more you suffer in two.

When Klaus looked up, he couldn't help but thank him with a little voice. What he needed was emotional support, someone who, before judging him, loved him, made him feel loved and never alone. And Diego had succeeded completely, without blaming him, without making him feel ashamed. Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on more than advice. 

Diego smiled softly at him, taking his face in his hands and leaving a gentle kiss on his lips. 

\- No need to thank me, I...I love you and being here for you is the least I can do. Really, Klaus, there is no one else in the world I care about more than you. This... - the boy showed his face - ...It's not your fault. You don't have to listen to Luther or the others. I got myself into trouble, all by myself. I chose to come and save you and I did it because, once again, I love you - Diego told him, looking into his eyes to show him that he wasn't lying, to get right to his heart.

Klaus felt again a tear streaming down his face, but he didn't feel sad and downhearted anymore. The warmth of Diego's words and his feelings had defeated those paranoia of a short time before. For once in his life, someone loved him sincerely, without filters, without lies and so strong that he could feel it only by being close to him. This time it was Klaus who kissed Diego first, unable to get words out of his lips that were equal to those of the other boy. 

_ Cause you have my heart _

_ And I'll play the fool _

_ And lean into you _

_ Whatever this is _

_ Whatever we are _

_ You have my heart _

Diego let himself go and together the boys sat where they were, with the morning breeze caressing their skins and wounds, pervaded by the calm. 

When they were separated and alone silence did not exist, in them there was only noise and it became louder, and it made them powerless and made them grow anger, crying, the desire for a normal life, for a normal family. It had always been difficult for them to find moments of peace and the day they discovered that only together they were able to stop the world and silence every voice, they had never stopped enjoying their embraces and silence.

Klaus had started not sleeping and when he heard sobbing coming from Diego's room, he felt the need to check if he was okay. Without knocking he had entered and then the other one had confessed to him that he had had a terrible nightmare and was afraid to fall asleep. So that night Number Four had slipped into bed next to him, so that Number Two felt protected and it worked so well that they continued to do so. 

Many were frightened by the silence, the calm, convinced that they were only omens of a war, but Klaus and Diego could not ask for better. 

When it was time to return to start training and classes of the day, Number Two and Number Four had to separate. 

The first went to the room where he and Luther used to start the day. Number One arrived shortly after him, with an almost repentant look. In fact, before he started, he asked him how Klaus was feeling, he said he was sorry. Diego had only accepted the apology, without getting too unbalanced. In his head he felt like an itch that you can't scratch. Suddenly Number One was also worried about his brothers and not only about Allison. After all that time spent as rivals, almost enemies, he felt strange. 

When the first punch was thrown, Diego noticed how carefully he tried not to hit him. Luther was letting himself be beaten. But Diego would not allow himself to pass as the weak and helpless one. Diego would not let his brother win just because he was injured. He would not. He was as strong and capable at that moment as he normally was, he did not need compassion. Number Two felt like a born fighter and his pride was too great to let go. 

And so Number Two hit him, hard, to provoke him. And Number One returned the blow. They did not become too aggressive, because their father was not there to observe them, and for a few seconds they had stopped laughing at an idiotic joke they had exchanged. It was a strange air, in a positive, new, light sense. Diego, however, could not stop thinking about how he had to risk being killed to be treated a little better by his brother. And the thought hurt him a little bit.

In the meantime Reginald had been attracted by the chatter of Ben, Vanya and Klaus in the living room. He had overheard them discussing one of the books they had been forced to read and was surprised to hear that they all liked it. But this did not divert him from his main objective. 

When Klaus heard his father calling, his face turned pale. Usually he could stand up to him and even did it to create chaos, but that was not one of those days. Ben whispered to him if he needed help, but Klaus shook his head saying that he could continue his reading with Vanya. 

The boy approached Reginald, and the clink of the keys in his hand made him realize that the consequences of his actions had not ended the day before. In fact, the old man had himself followed to the mausoleum and then opened the door inviting him to enter without objecting. Unlike the other times he did not tell him when he would come back and let him out. 

Klaus was not ready to suffer anymore. 

_ Please, just close your eyes _

_ Take a step, take a chance _

_ Get lost in the dance _

_ And hold me easy _

_ In your arms _

In the afternoon came the time to participate in his father's favorite class, the ballroom class. The kids thought he was definitely fixated on it. "You never know when a paso doble could make the difference between life and death, children" he always said.

Reginald had left them free to choose their partner. Luther and Allison immediately got close, Diego was reluctant to dance, but Klaus had taken him under his arm and since Five was gone, Vanya had taken his place dancing with Ben. Klaus loved to dance and with time and practice Diego had also discovered that he was enjoying himself to death. The music, the steps, Klaus smiling when Diego held him tightly with his left arm to make a Casquè. 

For his father it was a serious lesson like the others, but he let the seven have fun as long as they did the steps correctly. 

The slow waltz was Number Two and Four's favorite for its flexible, elegant and sweet movements. Posture was fundamental in that dance, and the two boys had so much confidence in each other that everything worked perfectly. Diego was the leader and Klaus let himself be guided, keeping his elegance and harmony in his movements. He often liked to imagine that he had one of the dresses he had seen in Vladimir Pervuninsky's painting "In the Vortex of the Waltz", which was hanging on the wall in front of Mom's armchair. 

That day the old man had asked to perform that dance perfectly in view of an elegant event in which they would participate and there was enough harmony between Number Four and Number Two to deserve Reginald's appreciation.

_ Cause you have my heart _

_ And I'll play the fool _

_ And lean into you _

_ Whatever this is _

_ Whatever we are _

_ You have my heart _

That was one of the least shitty days Diego and Klaus could have had and in fact they both had a good mood and couldn't stop smiling at each other. And it was only the first day of their...relationship? They didn't know what it was they had, they didn't even know what the two of them were from that moment on, but they knew that they just loved each other.

With only the light of the stars, even that night, the boys were hugging under the covers, heart to heart.

\- Klaus, what makes a multitude move? - Diego asked.

\- Love. Only love makes a multitude move - Klaus answered without thinking about it. 

\- And hate - Diego replied by raising his shoulders.

\- Yes. That's what I said: love - Klaus said and the other was not surprised by that answer, since Number Four always had interesting and twisted ideas, all his own. So Diego remained silent, to let him continue, looking curiously at him.

\- You see Di, hate is a phase of love, a stage of love. The aggressive stage of love. The psychopathic stage of love - the boy gesticulated with the hand that was not busy playing with Diego’s black hair.

\- The demential stage of love - Diego seemed to begin to understand.

\- Or the rational stage of love. It has not yet been proven that love understands reason. We know that it mixes with everything but we do not know where it comes from, or if it requires the intellect to intervene. Hate will probably be the most adult love. Love that understands that what it loves causes it pain and tries to replicate. Offering in exchange the same currency. The wrestler love, the warrior love, the determined love. Anti-Christ love, which instead of turning the other cheek tries to take out his enemy - Klaus let out his thoughts as they flowed in his mind, knowing that he can share everything with Diego without fear of looking like an idiot. 

\- Crucify not to be crucified: that's love - with the thoughtful air Diego answered, he was following the thread of the conversation.

\- To love to be loved. In the end, strange as it may seem, those who hate and vent their anger on those who love try to obtain, in return, the certainty that love exists only to help cure, you understand me? - Klaus wanted to make sure that Diego was listening to him, even if that question was more to himself to see if what he was talking about made sense.

\- Setting the fire to be the hero who puts it out - Diego nodded and Klaus smiled. It was amazing how careful he was listening.

\- Setting the fire to make you burn at the side of the one you love. To die happy is the only way to be alive. We all seek the perfect moment for the perfect death. The multitudes are moved by death. They want to kill, to eliminate. To end it all with something. And at the same time they want to make it eternal. The multitudes are moved by death. And nothing kills more than love - Number Four looked the other one in the eye, but he was not sad. It was not meant to be a sad comment on love at all, on the contrary.

\- I would like you to be my anti-multitude, to love me against all people - a smile was born on Diego's lips. Klaus stopped to look at the sweetness in his face.

\- Love is always against everyone. First of all because you love the singular. To love in the plural is a grammatical impossibility. Even if you love several people, you can only love one at a time. They can all be in the same physical space, you can even kiss them all simultaneously, but inside you can only love one at a time. Your brain processes only one at a time. Even for just a few seconds, but every second is only one person's. To love is, by definition, to be alone in the middle of the world - the curly-haired boy caressed the other's face. 

\- God, Klaus, I want to kidnap you from the world - Diego said without thinking, feeling lucky and admiring how much someone as unique and rare as Klaus loved him.

\- How beautiful. To want to separate the one you love from the others. To take him away from the possibility of another love. Wanting to feed him alone, as a mother believes, in the first moments of her son's life, to have everything he needs to be happy - and contrary to what it seemed, Klaus had really found beauty in the words of Number Two.

\- But then time passes - reflected Diego, biting the inside of his cheek.

\- But then life passes. The problem with life is that it passes - Klaus shook his head. Who better than him could have known how much life could pass like a breath of wind?

\- Do you want to spend it with me? - the boy pointed his dark, bright, sincere eyes into the other's green eyes.

\- Let's go. We have a body to contend with - Klaus answered without hesitation and with a smile on his face.

\- I love you - Diego caressed his cheek.

\- I love you - Klaus said before dedicating himself to kissing him on every inch of his skin.

_ I'll play the fool _

_ And lean, lean into you _

_ Whatever this is _

_ Whatever we are _

_ You have my heart _

_ Whatever this is, _

_ Whatever we are, _

_ You have my heart _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me so long to write ugh,,, but I hope you liked and enjoyed it!   
> Love you all, thank you so much for reading xoxo


	6. The art of getting by - Laura Zocca

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going well...Aren’t they?

_ When you're young you don't think about _

_ How good things have a bad side _

_ You spend your time waiting around _

_ For the fall not the goodbye _

That night Diego and Klaus had shared not only their hearts but also their bodies. It had been a simple succession of touches and kisses, feelings and excitement. They were sharing every first time: the first kiss, the first "I love you", the first sexual experience. 

Diego had not stopped thinking about how much more beautiful Klaus was beneath him and Klaus had not stopped telling him how much he loved him. 

That was the end worthy of a day gone well, and the beginning of a worse one. In fact, unlike what the boys had hoped and thought, things hadn't changed for the better and probably that never would have happened. 

Dad had noticed the harmony that reigned in the house the day before and considered it a distraction that had taken everyone away from reaching their full potential. So he started by ordering Luther and Diego to fight more fiercely, then he told Allison and Ben to practice their powers until they couldn’t take it anymore and finally threw Klaus into the mausoleum. Vanya had tried to oppose all that mistreatment of her brothers and sister, it wasn't right, he couldn't punish them for being happy for a day. And Reginald had seized her violin, preventing her from doing anything other than sitting still and waiting for the end of the day. In one breath those moments when they had felt like a real family, one of those united and carefree, had been swept away and seemed like a dream.

By the end of the day Vanya had returned to being excluded, everyone was too exhausted physically and emotionally to pay attention to her. Ben had retired to his room, feeling shame in what he was and just like his brother Klaus felt fear for the creature in him. Allison had stopped talking to everyone, rumoring them to pretend she was mute. Luther had put away the white bands that he put around his hands and smeared one of those creams that Mom had given him on the bruises. Diego had locked himself in the bathroom, remaining under the cold water jet for an indefinite time, refusing to get a few stitches he had missed. Klaus had been huddled in a dark corner with his hands on his ears, praying and screaming to get him out.

_ When you're naive and so green _

_ It makes it hard to believe _

_ How life works when you're older _

They all refused to have dinner, not that they weren't hungry, on the contrary, but sitting at the table with Reginald was really the last thing they wanted.

Klaus was freed under Mom's prayers and Pogo's advice, pitied by the poor young man. The boy had tears coming down his cheeks, he was pale and exhausted, he looked like a prisoner of war and Reginald couldn't help but tell him that he was pathetic. That was like the last drop that overflowed the vase and Klaus, without thinking about it, had pushed him with all the strength he had, shouted that he hated him and fled to his room. Reginald hadn't moved except to readjust his jacket, went back into the house and went about his business, a physical confrontation would not have worked. 

Diego had heard the fast footsteps beating on the stairs and looked out just in time to see Klaus running down the hallway and then into his room slamming the door. Number Two went knocking worriedly, but he was given no sign of an answer. 

Klaus was...He didn't know how he felt either. Everything was shit and he couldn't stop the screams, he couldn't stop the pain in his chest and he couldn't stop the shaking body. It was going to get worse and worse, Klaus knew this and he had to find a solution to deal with his trauma or he felt that he would not be able to survive. 

A stroke of genius, or rather of total despair, struck him. He began to rummage through drawers, in the closet, between shelves, in the bookcase, everywhere. He must have left at least one, only one, half of it. He must have perfectly hidden a bit of weed or even just a cigarette. If he had smoked all those horrible sensations would have disappeared in a minute. He was convinced that he would find relief only in that way.

Diego, hearing the noises from outside the room, decided to enter without permission. When he saw him searching like a mad and visibly broken hunting dog, he approached him, blocking him. In the attempt, Klaus yelled at him to get out, threw a slight punch on his chest and only when Number Two grabbed him did he stop. 

They had remained silent and Klaus had abandoned himself to the grip and had put his forehead on Diego's shoulder. He closed his eyes and concentrated on Number Two's regular breathing, imitating him.  _ "Oh, Diego. What would I do without you?" _ he thought. And he also thought that this had been the worst day of his life. If he had the power to see the future, he would not have thought the same way.

\- Diego - he called his name, to make sure he was really there. 

\- Yes? - the other grazed the back of his neck gently. He was worried sick and felt guilty for giving priority to his pain, without looking for Klaus and seeing where he was. 

Klaus intertwined his fingers with Number Two's and guided him to the terrace of the house. He could not stay any longer within the walls or the sense of suffocation would return to take over. There was fresh air up there and no one would ever go to check them. That was a warm night and there was not even a cloud in the sky to cover the moon or the stars. It was one of those summer nights when you would stare at the sky until sunrise. And that's what they did.

_ Even the best of us get hurt sometimes _

_ Could be from life or love or "I don't know why" _

_ It's all out of our hands, nobody will ever understand _

_ Don't blame yourself and don't ask why _

_ That's the art of getting by _

Diego lay down first on the concrete and then let Klaus settle down in his arms. The latter could not stop studying him with his eyes, he looked for himself if there were any new bruises because he knew that if he asked Diego if he was okay, he would say yes to "not be a burden". Klaus carried two fingers under the other's chin and turned his face slowly. Diego looked at him confused, but he didn't say anything, he didn't object. 

\- Tomorrow morning you have to get checked by Mom - the words came out like a whisper. He was afraid to break that wonderful silence around them. 

\- Only if you tell me what happened to you - Diego pointed his dark eyes into Klaus' green ones and it almost hurt. He felt he couldn't let go, he couldn't ignore that strong fear he saw in Number Four anymore. 

They remained silent for a while. Klaus took courage, Diego waited.

\- Dad...Please, please, don't get angry...But Dad locked me in the mausoleum again - it was as if his tongue burned only to tell the boy lying underneath him the truth. 

Number Two did not move. Inside he had burst into a rage and a mad desire to go downstairs at the cost of opening his face again to make Klaus's pain stop. But he asked him not to get angry, and he resisted.

As children that was a training that his father always practiced on Klaus and Diego remembered very well the screams he had heard while he was in the garden with Mom and the cursed sense of helplessness. But now he was no longer a helpless child and afraid of his father.

\- Say something, please, I think I'm going to die - Klaus brought him back to reality, looking at him with clear eyes. Diego sat down and Klaus grabbed him immediately, fearing he was leaving. The black-haired boy caressed his face to calm him, as if he had read his mind. His eyes read his enormous sorrow when he saw him like that.

\- If it happens again you have to tell me, Klaus - he finally said. When he saw Number Four look down, he realized that it wasn't over. - Hey? Look at me, what is it? - Diego lifted up his face, trying to study him better in search of answers, like Klaus had done with him before.

\- It's just... It's something that, well, has been going on for a while. And...And when he caught me smoking... He didn't just beat me up like I told you - suddenly the air in his lungs ran out and the tears filled with the torment that he had been holding in all that time began to fall. 

Diego began to play nervously with his own hands, trying not to do what his instinct told him to do. If there was a way to hurt or punish Klaus, it was to use his power against him, to destroy him psychologically. He felt sick, he had been incapable of protecting him, he had never noticed something so important that had happened before his eyes. He had failed to defend and avoid pain to the person he loved. That monster had not even had any scruples with Klaus, he had managed to get to him too.

Without realizing it, tears were soon shed on his face as well. Klaus promptly dried them, as he was used to do, but Diego withdrew from his touch. The green-eyed boy tried to say something, but Diego had got up, turned his back and started walking away. 

\- Diego! - Klaus took his wrist. His heart was beating wildly, he felt that it was going to explode and break. Was he losing Diego? Was that what was happening? 

\- Let me go, Klaus - he didn't move. He wanted to go and smash his father's face. He hadn't had a chance to defend Klaus before, so he would have done so at that moment. It was more than revenge - it was a ransom, a heroic gesture to feel worthy of the boy he loved. A heroic gesture to show him that he would never suffer again as long as he was there to protect him. Diego felt that he was terribly disappointed.

\- No. - he answered decisively. He would not have allowed it. Never. Not so soon. Diego could not leave him. It was true, Klaus was a disaster, he always ruined everything and often he didn't even care, but Diego was too precious for him. Diego was a part of him. 

\- Klaus, don't make me repeat it - his voice started to break. The way Klaus held his wrist almost hurt. It was as if his hand burned on contact with his skin, but perhaps it burned his grip even more, telling him how much he cared about him. Diego thought he didn't deserve all that love.

\- Turn around. Turn around and tell me to my face. Look me in the eye and tell me to leave you alone - Klaus found the strength to raise his voice and scream. There was something in the other's behavior that told him not to give up on him. Diego gasped, but then slowly turned around to look at him. The moment he saw his face destroyed and his chest rising and lowering due to his fast and irregular breathing, all defense lowered, his anger vanished.

Number Two fell to his knees crying his eyes out. Klaus rushed to squeeze him. 

And there they were, together, with their cheeks scratched but their hearts always full of love for each other. 

\- It's all right, Di - Klaus whispered to him. That was reassurance for him too.

\- N-no, no, I-I let you d-down - Diego replied, hiding his face in the hollow of the other's neck. He had still let himself be guided by anger, he had let himself be controlled by that feeling that his father had imposed on him since he was a child. 

\- Diego Hargreeves. Don't even think that, do you understand me? - Number Four's voice was determined, Number Two was everything to him except a disappointment. But unfortunately this was difficult for him to understand from the moment he had always been pressed to do better, to be up to the task, when in reality he already was. 

\- I should have understood that, I should have helped you right away - the black-haired boy answered, almost saying those words more to himself. He could feel Klaus' hands caressing his back, he could feel the way he trembled slightly and it was even more heartbreaking.

\- And then what would you have done? Would you have broken into Dad's office to finish getting yourself killed? No, Diego, no. You're not all this violence - Klaus knew that Diego was better than that. He wasn't just made of violent impulses and hate, no. He was good, kind, always ready to help. He was loving, funny, sweet. And he was still loyal and did the impossible for the people he cared about. Diego was everything positive in the world and Klaus knew that.

\- But what if I was? What if my anger is all I am? - the question came out hard, he couldn't deny that he was afraid that the answer would be "Yes". In an instant, Number Four's hands were leading him away from his body and resting on his shoulders. He was looking at him with those green eyes that made Diego lose himself in him. 

\- Diego, you are my salvation. You save me and love me with all of yourself and I could never ask for anything better than you, your kisses and your laughter. So please don't think for a moment that you are only your anger. You are much, much more than that. You, Diego, are the most special person in this world. You are, even more than possible - a smile was born spontaneously among tears. Klaus had caressed his cheek and let Diego lean in his touch and he put his hand on his.

\- Oh, Klaus...How is it possible to love you every second more? - he thought out loud. They exchanged an intense look and Klaus' smile infected Diego, making him smile in the same way. The fears he had felt just before had gone away in a far corner of his mind. 

\- We will make it, together - Klaus threw him into a kiss and again into a hug. Physical contact meant much more to both of them than words. It had often been too difficult to add sentences or express their feelings, so they had always counted on hugs, caresses and now kisses. The confidence that was transmitted in that way could not compete with words. 

_ It gets easy to become blind to _

_ The good things when times are rough _

_ But when there's nothing left to try and do _

_ It's okay to throw your hands up _

They lay under the stars again and began to look for some to fall. This time it was Diego who was resting on Klaus' chest, who had started to point out the constellations to him and instead of looking at how his finger was drawing imaginary lines to explain where exactly the Little Dipper was, Diego looked at his face lit by the moon so amused and concentrated. He would stay there forever. He closed his eyes, enjoying the scent of the boy holding him and slowly fell asleep. Klaus only noticed this when one of his strange questions was not answered by Diego. He looked at him with a soft smile and then decided that he would never move again so as not to wake him up. 

_ 'Cause there's no use in getting burned _

_ From the same lessons that you learned _

_ So carry them with you and be wiser _

The days went on the same way for at least a week and a half, until the "elegant event" that Reginald had done nothing but talk about. Obviously he wanted to use his children as a boast, or perhaps more circus freaks.

In the meantime Klaus had managed to get more weed, hid it better and started smoking more often to keep the ghosts away. Diego got very angry when he saw him rolling a joint while they were on the roof. That shit would never help him and even if Klaus knew, he couldn't help himself. Number Two, naive, had let himself be persuaded to try and from that moment on he only allowed himself a shot once in a while to relieve the tension. In the meantime he still tried to make Klaus stop by throwing away what he found and sometimes spraying water on the newly lit joint. 

_ Even the best of us get hurt sometimes _

_ Could be from life or love or "I don't know why" _

_ It's all out of our hands, nobody will ever understand _

_ Don't blame yourself and don't ask why _

_ That's the art of getting by _

When the evening of the Grand Gala arrived, Reginald had spared no expense to make everyone look impeccable. The boys had elegant black tuxedos with the Umbrella Academy crest sewn on the pocket. Allison and Vanya wore long dresses up to the ankles, flowy, different from each other, but the same color and the crest of the Academy so small that it looked just a detail. Klaus was jealous to death. He would have even wanted to try one of the two dresses to feel as beautiful as they did and then the shirt and tie had never fit him, that was Diego's territory, he definitely looked like a model. He was wonderful. 

Before leaving, Number Four had noticed how Number Seven kept looking at herself in the mirror, almost unhappy. 

\- Hey, Vanya, everything okay? - he asked her, stopping at the door. Her sister stopped to look at him from head to toe. 

\- You look great, who would have thought I'd ever see you in such elegant clothes - Vanya answered, avoiding the question. Klaus was the only one who was interested in her from time to time, but every time it was strange for her that someone asked her how she was.

\- To be honest: I hate it - he put on a fake pout and continued - I would have preferred to have that, but I think it looks better on you - Klaus took his sister's hand, then touched the soft fabric of her sleeve. 

\- No, Klaus, I hate this thing. I don't like wearing the skirt of my uniform, let alone a dress... I've been trying to convince myself that I'm comfortable for at least ten minutes - the girl let out an amused puff. It was true that she didn't like skirts and dresses that were too feminine, that's why she asked her father to replace plaid skirts with shorts like those of her brothers.

\- I have an idea... - Klaus smiled, in his eyes he had a gleam of one of his own. And it was like that. Vanya shook her head and asked him what he had in mind. What came out of his lips was unexpectedly brilliant and his sister couldn't help but tell him that he was the best brother in the world. Seeing her so happy filled Klaus' heart like never before, he loved Vanya. 

The moment their father's voice rang out the front door to invite all the kids out of the house, Klaus and Vanya were ready and they ran hand in hand down the stairs. They were the last to arrive and luckily Reginald was already in the car, so he couldn't stop either of them, sending them back into the house to change. 

Diego turned to look at Klaus with his mouth open. The boy was wearing a dress, or rather, Vanya's dress. And the smile on his face said how happy he was. Number Two bit his lower lip on instinct, chasing every impure thought out of his mind. Klaus was beautiful. 

Allison on the other hand seemed almost offended that her brother was the one matching outfit with her. 

\- Vanya, Klaus! You swapped clothes! - her sister said. 

\- We feel more comfortable this way, Ally. Don't worry, I won't steal your thunder - Klaus winked at her and then got into the car. The rest of the siblings followed him. 

Reginald's face when he noticed the exchange was epic, even better than Klaus had predicted to Vanya. The man had turned red in his face, such a thing was not admissible in his eyes, under his roof. Before he could start yelling and send them to the bathroom to change, a woman and her husband approached the family. The couple complimented Reginald, saying that they were happy to see how he let their children express themselves as they wanted. The appreciation made Vanya stay in that tuxedo and Klaus in his dress. 

The evening proceeded splendidly. Diego and Klaus had done nothing but dance as they knew best, having a great time. Number Two couldn't stop pulling him and grazing his hips, guiding him through the dance with experience and fluidity. Number Four let himself go with the movements and being so close to Diego had never been so beautiful. He felt like he was in Cinderella's fairy tale and Diego was obviously his Prince Charming. 

_ No life ain't a game _

_ There's nothing to win, and no way to cheat _

_ We all walk through flames _

_ All get burned from the heat _

But even fairy tales end, and Reginald had started to expose his children to the public. Number One had shown his power with pride, as if he were a peacock, raising one of the tables with one hand. 

Number Two was forced to throw his knives and put them in an apple on the head of one of the waiters. 

Number Three rumored a woman to give her the diamond necklace she had on her neck, and then returned it.

Number Four had been excluded. He was a disgrace and his power was useless since he could not control it. Number Six had been excluded. His power was too dangerous. Number Seven had been excluded. She was normal, she had no power.

The three of them had gone away together to the gardens of the huge mansion where they were. Then Klaus had separated from them to look for the bathrooms. The ghosts were coming back and he realized he had to smoke as soon as possible. He began to panic and thought he had to hurry. The dead were more and more powerful, it was as if that house full of life and music was hiding all those people Klaus had started to see. A general in uniform with a bullet in his head. A woman, perhaps a countess or a queen, with a noose around her neck and a pale complexion. A couple of lovers full of blood. The more he walked the corridors in search of those damn baths, the more monsters appeared and followed him complaining. Klaus began to sweat, he was terrified. The fairy tale had become a horror movie for him. 

When he finally found the toilets, there were other guys inside, older than him. 

\- Are you lost, princess? - one of them laughed at him. The others laughed with him. 

\- I would say no, I was looking for the bathroom and here it is. Don't worry, I'm not here to upset your masculinity - Klaus smiled superciliously. He didn't really have time to think about those assholes. Surprised by the swaggering response, the guys shut up and let him do what he wanted. 

Klaus lit up the joint, leaning against the sink for a few seconds.

\- That joint doesn't do shit, try this - one of the guys handed him a pill. Klaus looked at him confused.

\- What would that be? - he asked, before he fucked up and died an idiot. He took another shot while waiting for the answer.

\- It's MDMA, the best - the guy said again. Klaus looked at him even more confused. 

\- What the fuck is it? - he exhaled the smoke, without taking his eyes off the pill. What if that thing was stronger and more effective than weed? What if it worked against the ghosts?

\- Maybe you know it as Ecstasy - he took the joint out of his hands and turned it off, opening the water jet from the sink. Klaus protested, but as soon as he looked up in the mirror he saw another dead man, completely and horribly ripped apart. Shivers ran down his back and he turned white in the face. Without the marijuana he would not have made it home. He took the pill from the guy in front of him and then threw it down his throat without thinking about it. 

_ Even the best of us get hurt sometimes _

_ Could be from life or love or "I don't know why" _

_ It's all out of our hands, nobody will ever understand _

_ Don't blame yourself and don't ask why _

_ That's the art of getting by _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you’re liking and enjoying this story ♥️  
> Love you all xoxo


	7. You're somebody else - flora cash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How everything went to shit pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!   
> This chapter contains graphic depiction of violence and drug addiction, so please pay attention if you're sensitive.

_ I saw the part of you _

_ That only when you're older you will see too _

_ You will see too _

Ecstasy is a drug that acts by increasing the presence of serotonin at the synaptic endings. The increase of this substance in different areas of the brain causes various psychological effects: strong feeling of well-being; increased confidence with others; removal of emotional and communicative barriers; exaltation of sensations; increased ability to perceive rhythm and music. Exactly thirty-seven minutes after taking the pill that the guy in the bathroom had given him, Klaus felt that way. Happy, active, able to go on all night long. 

Diego did not pay too much attention to the fact that Klaus was more cheerful than usual, he thought it was those two glasses of champagne they had drunk with Ben after the pathetic show that Reginald had put on for the party guests. He felt so happy too, the bubbles of the alcoholic drink had lifted him up. Yet in a deep part of his brain there was a little voice telling him that something was wrong. If he had listened to it, Diego would surely have found out about the substance Klaus had taken, but he ignored it completely and decided to enjoy the moment. 

Inside him Klaus finally felt light and the dead were 100% gone. He thought he couldn't have asked for better, but then Number Two appeared from down the hall with red cheeks and a smile on his face. He never thought he would see him tipsy. He approached him and then jumped into Diego's arms, who laughed surprised, and crossed his legs around his waist. Klaus started kissing him and Diego couldn't help but reciprocate and carry his hands from his thighs to his butt. 

They found themselves making out in that remote corridor of the big villa.

\- Guys...Oh my god, how disgusting! - Ben's voice sounded a little later, making the two of them jump. Diego let Klaus put his feet on the ground and quickly detached himself from his body almost unwillingly. Vanya was next to Ben with her eyes covered. 

\- Sorry to interrupt your...uh, effusion? But we have to go home - Vanya said, uncovering her eyes, since Ben couldn't stop making lousy gestures to make fun of Klaus and Diego. 

\- That's great news! Let's go - Klaus exclaimed, and stood in front of everyone, dragging Diego by the hand. Everyone thought that was an implied joke that once home the two of them could continue their lovemaking. No one suspected it was Ecstasy. 

_ I held the better cards _

_ But every stroke of luck has got a bleed through _

_ It's got a bleed through _

The next morning Klaus woke up as usual in Diego's bed and, for the second time, naked and in his arms. Fortunately, contrary to what he had feared, he remembered the whole evening, even the part after taking the pill. He realized a few seconds after he had managed to sleep without waking up several times. Shit, that stuff had worked a miracle, was it the solution? 

His eyes settled on Diego and he couldn't help but think that if he continued with that stuff, he would get angry worse than the first time. He remembered how furiously they had fought over marijuana and how Klaus had persuaded him to let him do it by telling him that he was using it for medical purposes. But he also remembered his sad and worried eyes that had entered his heart.

Maybe he shouldn't have taken Ecstasy from that stranger. He was stronger than that, he didn't need drugs to survive, he had Diego next to him and he was more important than any substance. He made a promise to himself to stay sober, for Diego.

The days passed and became months, and the promise to stay sober was increasingly difficult to keep. Suddenly everyone was irritated with him and his behavior. In fact it was not a new thing, he had often been told to keep quiet or that what he said did not interest anyone, but it was as if his family had become even more vocal on the matter. Luther had told him on several occasions that he was useless, and on one mission he had pushed him aside because "his powers were useless”. Dad told him he was a disappointment, the biggest one. The hours spent in the mausoleum had increased out of all proportion and this was because of his long tongue and his mad desire to contradict Reginald. Allison seemed to have joined the club, ignoring him more than before. 

As for Diego, he was the only one left at his side, along with Ben, who seemed not to hate him. Number Two noticed Number Four's insecurity and always wanted to show him that he had nothing to fear, that his feelings were true. For this Klaus was grateful to him and as far as he was concerned, he had never stopped taking care of Diego. The boy was vulnerable only in Klaus's eyes, and the way he noticed every change of mood without him having to explain it to him was the best for Diego. 

But the two of them were not just made of sad moments. Number Four often shared absurd stories and ended up doing one of his reflections and Number Two loved to listen to him. Sometimes they organized a mini party, taking Mom's record player and stealing a bottle of whiskey from Dad's special sideboard. Other times they had simply dedicated themselves to each other, forgetting the world outside. And some nights, when Klaus couldn't sleep, Diego read some books to him or sing. They never got tired of those moments, too special, so important that even they could not explain it. 

_ You held the balance of the time _

_ That only blindly I could read you _

_ But I could read you _

For their seventeenth birthday, Number Four thought to give a special gift to Number Two. In the only half hour of freedom they were given every Saturday, Klaus had left the house with the help of Mom, who had covered for him. The woman also gave him some money, supporting his idea to give Diego a gift. In that house, the two of them were the only ones who sincerely loved him.

When Klaus came home, he ran upstairs to put the package he had in his hands in the other boy's room and placed a note on it. He waited for Diego to find it and it was not until fifteen minutes later. With delicacy and a smile on his lips, he began to untie the bow and then opened the box. Inside the box he found some special and colorful sachets, with seeds inside them. He shook his head, surprised and happy. Diego went to read the words written in that handwriting he knew very well.

**"Often I stopped to look at you while you were spending time with Mom to take care of her flowers. I noticed how your smile widens every time a flower blooms and how sitting next to the yellow flower plant gives you comfort. In here you will find seeds that I have chosen for you, for their meaning.**

**Cherry tree seeds: the cherry blossom is a symbol of fragility and tenacity together. Very you.**

**White hydrangea seeds: symbol of the birth of a sincere and totalizing love...ours; blue hydrangea seeds: burning and deep passion; and finally, pink hydrangea seeds: they indicate that the lover to whom they are given is the one and only, and they also symbolize a concrete invitation to enjoy the joys of love.**

**I know that usually flowers are given closed in a nice bouquet, but those do not last more than a few days. I want you to take care of these plants, just as you take care of me. I hope this gift will make you happy, I hope my love for you will make you happy.**

**Happy birthday, Diego.**

**I love you, yours, Klaus <3"**

Diego's smile grew out of all proportion, those words almost made him cry. That well thought out but simple gift was the best he could wish for. It might have seemed trivial, but it wasn't, on the contrary it had so many meanings that Diego couldn't help thinking about how brilliant Klaus was and how much he loved him. He was special. 

\- So? What do you say, do you like it? - Klaus popped out of the door jamb. He had his arms crossed, he was nervous, almost sure that Diego was going to throw everything at him, despising him. Instead Number Two threw himself on him, holding him tight and thanking him and kissing him all over the face. Number Four did not feel like a failure for once. 

\- I love it so much - Diego answered the question a short time later, with his forehead resting on that of the other guy. Klaus silenced him with a kiss on the lips. 

Their birthday was one of the last quiet days before the second disaster struck the Umbrella Academy.

_ It's like you told me _

_ Go forward slowly _

_ It's not a race to the end _

They were in the middle of a shooting, on a mission. There were armed madmen who had attacked a bank. At first they managed to get away with it, but then the situation became critical when the robbers started shooting at the hostages. Luther and Diego had started taking everyone out of a back door that Klaus had found, protecting anyone left behind. Allison had tried to disarm most of the men who tried to go after her brothers. Klaus and Ben had taken care of others. They took them all down almost without any problems. All but one. 

As they rushed out of the bank, shots rang out into the air. Number One, Two and Three turned around and the scene in front of them shocked them. 

Number Four was under the body of Number Six, who fell on him and had several gunshots planted in his back. There was blood everywhere and Klaus screamed Ben's name, looking for some sign of life.

_ Well you look like yourself _

_ But you're somebody else _

_ Only it ain't on the surface _

_ Well you talk like yourself _

_ No, I hear someone else though _

_ Now you're making me nervous _

So they found themselves in front of a white tomb the next day, in the back garden of the house. At the funeral, Reginald did not have an ounce of pity.

\- The world is full of injustice. Good people die along with the bad. This cosmic equation will never change unless evil itself is wiped from existence. Thankfully, there are powerful forces pushing back against the wicked and iniquitous, individuals who have the strength to pull together against insurmountable odds to face adversity with unblinking courage, and not hesitate to sacrifice themselves for another. Unfortunately, none of you are such people. Despite years of training and weeks of preparation, you allowed Number Six to die on this mission. The Umbrella Academy has failed one of their own, the consequences of which are dire. Hold on to this feeling, children. Let it fester in your hearts so there is never a next time. Training will be canceled today out of respect for your brother. We resume tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. - the man said and then went back in the house.

Not even a moment later, when Vanya tried to reassure the siblings that it was no one's fault, Diego told her that he could not know since she had not been there. So began a quarrel between him and Luther, who was defending his father's words.

_ You were the better part _

_ Of every bit of beating heart that I had _

_ Whatever I had _

Klaus remained alone under the snow, without stopping to look at Ben's grave. He was feeling torn to pieces. Ben had always been his best friend and they had always had a lot of fun together. When Ben had felt struggling with his potential, Klaus had been by his side ready to help and sing a few songs to the monster inside him. Ben had given him advice on how to deal with Diego, he had listened to him while daydreaming about being with him and Ben had never judged him. Klaus had confessed to Ben that he had tried the drug that made him feel good, and he had made him swear never to do it again, to talk to him rather than take drugs. 

Ben was the most good and sensitive person in the world. Ben had saved him. He had sacrificed his life for Klaus'. He jumped without hesitation between Number Four and the trail of bullets that went straight for him. He would never forget how his still warm body had collapsed on him and his blood had begun to wet his uniform and his hands. He would never forget the panic, the desperation of wanting to stop his brother's blood and death. Klaus would never stop blaming himself. A person like Ben deserved to live and enlighten the lives of others only as he knew how.

After the death of Number Six the Academy began to fall apart completely. 

Training had intensified like never before, and his father did nothing but remind Klaus of his failures and began to strike at him occasionally. The dead he saw began to feed on his fears and it became almost impossible for him to avoid seeing Ben's body filled with blood. He decided that he had to stop them and shut all that shit out of his head. He didn't want those damn powers anymore, not if it meant living in pain and terror. 

The boy started to disassociate himself from everything, his life became difficult and alcohol or marijuana were no longer enough. He broke his promise, knowing he would regret it, and went in search of something to keep death away, anything. A drug dealer offered him meth and Klaus became addicted to it in no time. He began to use it in great secrecy and put it alongside the other drug he couldn't give up: Diego.

_ I finally sat alone _

_ Pitch black flesh and bone _

_ Couldn't believe that you were gone _

Diego was also affected by the death of his brother. The boy became even more aggressive towards his father, venting the pain on the man who had never loved them. This cost him many bruises all over his body. That's why Number Two began to spend more time than usual away from everyone, taking care of the flowers Klaus had given him. The thought of seeing so many small lives blossom thanks to him made him feel good. He was fascinated by the many contradictions in those flowers so delicate in form so strong in perfume, so small in size so large in beauty, so short in life so long in effect. Klaus had told him that he was a flower, the most beautiful of all, and Diego believed it.

Number Two began to contemplate the idea of leaving the house with Klaus, seeing how much they were both suffering: they had reached the limit of tolerance. That life was getting too tight, growing up in that toxic environment was slowly killing them. They often spent their time near their plants, close to each other, to remind themselves that at least the two of them would not give up. Diego was also worried about Klaus. He knew that Ben was important to him and seeing him so painful and silent was strange. Number Four behaved stealthily and lasciviously, his mood swung between unseen sadness and euphoria. One moment he laughed almost hysterically and the next tears came down his cheeks. It hurt to see him like that. He felt as if he saw a stranger in Klaus' body. Diego tried to talk to him many times, he asked him as many times to open up and let off steam with him, to tell him what was wrong, but Klaus shook his head and told him that he would not understand. Being locked out like that made Diego feel a little further away from him, so he decided to talk to him, he didn't want to lose him. 

_ Well you look like yourself _

_ But you're somebody else _

_ Only it ain't on the surface _

_ Well you talk like yourself _

_ No, I hear someone else though _

_ Now you're making me nervous _

\- Hey - Diego found him on the terrace, in the greenhouse, and saw him at the exact moment Klaus threw two pills down. He saw him jumping, as if he had caught him in something he was hiding. And he did.

\- Hey, Diego - Klaus smiled weakly. He had just come back from the mausoleum and then he had provoked dad by spitting at his feet in disgust, getting two slaps in the face. That day was already terrible like that.

\- What did you take? - Number Two approached him with an investigative look. He just wanted to make sure it was nothing to worry about.

\- Me? I didn't take anything, I was yawning - Number Four faked a yawn by bringing a hand to his mouth, trying to imitate the movement he had made moments earlier. He was already sweating, knowing that the guy in front of him wouldn't buy his bullshit, he knew him too well.

\- Klaus, I saw you, what were those pills? - Diego got even closer, looking him straight in the eye, waiting to hear the truth. He hoped very much that Klaus would answer in any way, as long as he didn't say that those were drugs. He really hoped with all his heart.

\- Medicine? Yes, yes, medicines - the curly-haired boy began to babble, not being credible even for a second. God, he couldn't lie when it came to Diego, it was too difficult. He ran his hand through his hair, anxious.

\- Let me see - Number Two reached out his hand to him, waiting for Klaus to put a box of medicines or whatever he had in his pocket. He wasn't sure if he was telling the truth, so he had to see for himself. He saw Klaus hesitate.

\- Come on, I'm telling the truth! You don't believe me? - Number Four put one hand on his chest, pretending to be shocked by the other's behavior. He had been cornered within minutes, damn Diego.

\- If you are telling the truth, show me the box of the medicine you took - Diego raised his eyebrows. It was becoming more and more obvious that Klaus was bullshitting him, and he wanted to understand why and what he was hiding. 

\- Ugh, please, I'm not a child - Klaus snorted annoyed. He just didn't want that fight to happen, not at that moment, not like that. He promised himself he would tell Diego himself what he was doing, he didn't have to find out that way. 

But Number Two was a hard-headed young man and he jumped on Klaus, rummaging through his pockets. Normally Number Four wouldn't mind, but at that moment he tried to rebel and get Diego off his back before he found what he wasn't supposed to find. But he was too weak physically to win Diego.

The boy took the cheap plastic bag out of the back pocket of Klaus' uniform shorts. Inside he saw the little blue pills that didn't look like medicine. A thousand thoughts formed in his head and it didn't really take him long to figure out for himself what those things were.

\- You're a big dickhead - Diego threw the bag angry like a hyena at Klaus. Why was he doing this to himself? Why hadn't he talked to him instead of...of doing drugs.

\- Diego! - Klaus protected his face with his arms and his eyes opened wide to see the pills inevitably falling to the ground. He resisted the impulse to take them, fearing that he would look more pathetic than he already did. 

\- Now you tell me where the fuck you got this stuff, what it is and why you are doing it - Number Two pointed a finger at his chest, beating it to emphasize his demands. Inside he was disappointed and hurt, but the only way he could express his emotions was with anger. If it had not been Klaus in front of him, he would have already left without taking an interest.

\- Look, look, look...Diego, I need these to...I just need them, okay? - the green-eyed boy felt that he would never be understood, not even by Diego. It was too difficult a situation for the others to put themselves in his shoes and understand the reasons for his actions. 

\- Do you need them? Do you need them, Klaus? Do you have any idea how much this shit consumes you and kills you? You are playing with your fucking life! - Diego had started to raise his voice. He was losing his temper. The fear of losing Klaus to a goddamn drug addiction was very high. He loved him, he loved him so much, he couldn't let him do it or Klaus would slowly kill himself and he couldn't leave him. 

\- You think I don't know that?! Diego, I just ask you to trust me. I can quit whenever I want - Klaus tried to keep him calm. He had never thought to see that disappointment in Diego’s eyes because of him. Diego also slipped away from him. 

\- I trust you, you know that, but this is not about trust. It's about your life, Klaus, what don't you understand about that? Tell me why you're doing this, please make me understand, I won't judge you and you know it - Number Two was desperately trying to get him to tell him what was wrong at that point. There are many reasons why a person would do drugs and these people needed to be understood and helped. Klaus above all. 

\- Have you noticed the shit of recent times or not? - Number Four asked rhetorically. He felt like an idiot just talking about it. He had to hold on, he had to stay damn still for once, once in his damn life and then he would escape from that house with Diego. Reginald was right, he was weak and useless, he was a disappointment, a human scum. His eyes inevitably became watery. Too many thoughts, too fast. 

\- We are all going through a horrible time, Klaus. Yet none of us are abusing this shit! - Diego said it without thinking about it and regretted it. To say those words was to judge him, it was to underestimate the problem and his feelings, it was wrong. He tried to apologize immediately, he wanted to help him, not make him feel wrong. 

\- Of course, it's always about you, all of you, except me. Because I am less important, right? Klaus is the weak one, the one with useless powers. Klaus is a simple idiot who exaggerates. Klaus is the one who wants attention and therefore always does bullshit. I knew that I was less than zero for all our siblings, not to mention our father... But I didn't realize that I was also less than zero for you - Klaus felt hurt. Who was that Diego he was talking to? Who was that grumpy, angry boy? Who was that person in front of his eyes who was hating him like everyone else?

\- I didn't mean that, it came out totally wrong. Please, I apologize, I really do. Klaus, you know that you are the most important thing to me...- the black-haired boy tried to take the other one’s hands, who pushed him away. 

\- Yes, of course...- Number Four looked down, he felt he was going to cry. The horrible feeling of rejection from Diego hurt like hell. He had always been there for him, for all his siblings, even if they treated him badly. His heart had always been too big and in the face of those in trouble he had never backed down, never. He believed that at least Diego was there for him, but maybe he was wrong.

\- Listen to me, please. I am worried, so worried. I don't want you to get hurt, I want to help you get through this moment, I want you to understand that I am at your side and you don't need those pills, Klaus. I'm sorry I reacted this way, it's that I love you and I'm afraid of losing you - Diego felt a knot in his throat just thinking about it. Tears lurked in the corners of his eyes. His heart was beating so loud that he could hear it in his ears, but it slowed down when Klaus let him take his face in his hands. Diego pointed his dark eyes into the green ones, caressing his cheeks.

Klaus cried. He felt so damn guilty. First Ben had died because of him, now it was Diego who was suffering, always because of him. He began to think that he was not a good person, he began to think that he deserved the fate that he was facing. Reginald always said he was right, that he was also right in saying how much of a disappointment Klaus was? It was a terrible feeling in his chest and he couldn't stop crying, even though he wanted to.

\- Klaus, talk to me... It's all right, I'm not angry anymore - the boy was holding him, stroking his hair. That was definitely a pretty strong emotional breakdown for Klaus and he understood that, it had never been easy for him. Diego would have wanted to take all the pain out of that body, out of that mind. He had always thought that Number Four didn't deserve that suffering. 

\- I'm sorry if I'm this shit, I'm sorry - Klaus sunk his face into Diego's chest. By then he was broken into a thousand pieces, he couldn't go back. He had accepted the other's apology from the very beginning, he would never have been able to stay angry with Diego for more than five minutes. But he was convinced that Diego, on the contrary, would never accept his apology, considering him a lost cause. 

\- No, no, no, don't say that. You are not “shit", you understand me? Klaus you are the most beautiful little thing in the world, inside and out - the boy continued to reassure him, even if that thought hurt him too. Klaus must have felt really down to say those words, but Diego was there to remind him otherwise. Diego would not leave him alone for any reason in the world. 

Klaus didn't say anything anymore, he just cried, until he let himself go totally into Diego's arms. The latter had started humming songs to calm him, his favorites. Klaus always told him how much he liked his voice when he sang, he said it relaxed him. So Diego had put aside his shame and started singing for him. It was a sweet thing that really calmed him down. 

Their discussion about drugs ended there that day, Klaus had already had enough and frankly Diego too. 

_ Well you look like yourself _

_ But you're somebody else _

_ Only it ain't on the surface _

_ Well you talk like yourself _

_ No, I hear someone else though _

_ Now you're making me nervous _

The following day Diego woke up hearing noises. When he reached out to look for Klaus in bed, he did not find him. He opened his eyes and slowly the noises became clearer.

Slaps, punches, screams, falling stuff. 

Diego got up in a hurry and came down the stairs quickly to the living room. Luther and Allison were outside the door, his sister was crying scared in her brother's arms. There could only be Klaus in there. 

Number One moved to prevent Number Two from entering the room. The latter did not understand if he was doing it to protect him or on his father's orders.

\- Let me in, Luther - he said, trying to reach for the handle. 

\- Diego, I can't - his brother answered with sad eyes, leaving Allison and grabbing Diego to pull him away. Father's orders. Here is the answer. And of course he was daddy's good little soldier. An insurmountable anger grew in Diego, all three of them heard the sound of another slap and that's how Number Two jumped on Number One's neck. He had to enter at all costs, even by force.

The boys started to fight, Allison started begging them to stop. All that violence around her was making her tremble. She tried to get close to them and use her power to at least divide her brothers, but her voice was broken by crying and she could not complete the sentence. In that great chaos, it was Pogo who came running to divide the two. The chimpanzee knocked his walking stick to the ground, severe and then got in between the boys before another punch flew by. And at that precise moment a thud stronger than the others came from the living room. 

Diego lost his breath and then ran towards the room. The door opened before he could open it on his own and he found himself in front of his father. 

_ Well you look like yourself _

_ But you're somebody else _

_ Only it ain't on the surface _

_ Well you talk like yourself _

_ No, I hear someone else though _

_ Now you're making me nervous _

Klaus had slipped out of bed shortly before, with the intention of recovering the pills from the terrace. He had not slept that night for more than an hour and withdrawal began to make its entrance. He tried to be as quiet as possible, managed to get to the greenhouse without problems and while looking for the blue pills on the floor, a voice made him jump. 

\- Looking for these, Number Four? - Reginald was right in front of him, with his bag of meth in his hand. He had been caught and his father's gaze was not promising anything good. In fact he found himself being dragged by an arm down to the living room. He tried to free himself and steal the pills from his father's hands.

-You...You're the usual weak good-for-nothing - he pushed him into the room, making him fall on the floor. - You poison yourself not to be afraid, not to feel pain...Now you'll see what it really means to feel pain, Number Four - the man came up before the boy could get up and kicked him like a dog. Klaus tried to defend himself, but abstinence was making him too weak. He started taking a beating like he'd never taken it before. Reginald hit him, again and again, the ghosts that appeared behind him incited him. 

Klaus at one point thought he would stop resisting. Why fight to live the life that no longer even belonged to him? For Diego. He had to stay alive for Diego, to see his eyes and his loving smile, to hear his laugh, his voice. 

Reginald, however, did not stop until Klaus fainted with one last, stronger blow. Then he went out the door, finding himself Number Two in front. He let him pass, avoiding any further confrontation. 

The boy rushed to Klaus, unconscious. He could not stop crying desperately, asking for help from Grace and Pogo, who took him to the infirmary. 

When Number Four was awake again, he was in his own room and Diego was not beside him. Klaus thought that he too had given up on him, the pain he was causing in the house and the people around him was too much, and so he made a decision. So it was that in the middle of the night the boy had taken some savings he had and ran away from home, leaving behind nothing but a letter under Diego's door. 

_ Well you look like yourself _

_ But you're somebody else _

_ Only it ain't on the surface _

_ Well you talk like yourself _

_ No, I hear someone else though _

_ Now you're making me nervous _

**"Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will try. That you will cry a lot but that you will always continue. That you will believe. That you will desire people as much as people disillusion you. That you will have confidence in yourself no matter how much they tell you that you must not have any.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will go on. That you will not give up just because there is fear. That you will not stop just because problems exist. That when they ask you "what do you want to be" you will answer "everything I want to be”.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will make a selection. That you will choose with criterion what can hurt you. That you will not want to ruin yourself with what has no solution. That you will not give yourself up to what serves only to kill yourself and not to make you live. That you will send to the devil what is in your path only to be sent to the devil.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will prefer madness. That you will risk it. That you will be the court jester when a court jester is needed. That you will do what none of the other jesters are able to do. That you will respect yourself by not respecting what prevents you from dreaming. That you will prefer to walk in balance on a rope rather than have a rope around your neck.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will enjoy the body. That you will desire orgasm when it is possible. That you will desire pleasure when it is possible. That you will lick what gives you pleasure to lick, bite what gives you pleasure to bite, touch what gives you pleasure to touch. That you will explore all the senses because that is the great meaning of all this shit.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that one day you will forget about the body. That when the body is old and does not answer you, you will prefer to exist beyond it. That you will go beyond its defects and live inside your head. That you will despise the mirror and be what you still feel you are. That you will understand how from a certain moment on what is important has no matter.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will choose to love. That when you have the chance to love and any other chance you will love. That when it seems to you that loving is inconclusive you will love. That when you have the impression that love can hurt you will love. That when you have the certainty that loving is a bad choice you will love. That when it is possible to love you will love. That you will be able to understand that when you are about to die the first four images that will pass in front of your eyes will be of love, and also the second four, and the third and the fourth and the fifth and all the images that you can see before you die will be of love and will always be of love.**

**Promise me.**

**Promise me that you will never promise anything to anyone. Especially not to me, who had promised never to feel the need of anyone and now I love you.**

**Yours, Klaus"**

_ I saw the part of you that only when you're older _

_ You will see too, you will see too _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I broke my own heart writing this. Ouch.  
> Hope you all enjoyed the chapter and I'll be back soon with the next one! Love you all xoxo


	8. All I Want - Kodaline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego's reaction to Klaus going away from home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> drug abuse, poor mental health, overdose

_ All I want is nothing more _

_ To hear you knocking at my door _

_ 'Cause if I could see your face once more _

_ I could die a happy man, I'm sure _

Diego was prevented from being with Klaus. Reginald had locked the boy in his room after Grace had taken care of him. Number Two had begged his mother to let him in, he wouldn’t tell a soul if she helped him, but the woman refused "for his sake". 

That was the first night in years that he slept alone. He had always been used to Klaus, to the warmth of his body, his kisses, his stories. Diego did not want to face the night without him, it was too scary. He couldn't sleep, he felt a piece of him missing and knowing that Klaus was in the room across the hallway in a really bad state and without someone to reassure him, made him feel worse. 

At almost three o'clock in the morning, Diego managed to fall asleep, too tired to keep his eyes open and fight the fear of his nightmares. Two hours later, he awoke suddenly, with his heart pounding and tears in his eyes. By instinct he turned to the side of the bed that was usually occupied by Klaus, in search of his comfort. He had a heart attack when he realized that Klaus was not there. Then he noticed the paper under the door and went to pick it up, with a certain hope in his chest. Maybe Klaus wanted to send him a message asking to go to him. 

He started reading and the more he went on, the more those words didn't promise anything good. So Diego came out of his room with his heart in his throat, he wanted explanations, he wanted to know what Klaus wanted to tell him and to tell it to his face if he had the courage. 

Then he saw the door to Klaus' room wide open. There was no one in there. 

Number Two felt an even more horrible feeling in his stomach and began to look for him in every corner of the house, more and more panicked.

It could not be. 

He went up to the terrace, to their special place in front of those beautiful flowers that Number Two had received as a gift. He wasn't even there. 

He couldn't believe it...Klaus had abandoned him in that house. He had left without him. 

In a fit of rage, the boy began to uproot the poor plants, threw the vases to the ground, crying out loud like he had never done before. The worst nightmare had come true, Klaus was gone, Klaus had run away forever and without him. Diego was alone, totally alone. His heart had broken into a thousand pieces, he could feel that pain physically in his chest. He fell to his knees and punched his fists on the floor. He wouldn't stop shaking, thinking about how selfish Number Four had been to leave him there. Going away together had been their live's project and instead he had left him in the lurch. He told him that he loved him, he told him that without him he would never have left...He told him a lot of crap apparently. 

Diego was on his knees, the rain had started to fall, mixing with his tears. When the anger subsided, the boy couldn't help thinking he had destroyed one of the last things he had left of Klaus. His flowers, the little lives he had looked after for months until they blossomed, destroyed. He took a pink hydrangea in his hand, remembering its meaning and he placed it on his heart.

_ When you said your last goodbye _

_ I died a little bit inside _

_ I lay in tears in bed all night _

_ Alone without you by my side _

The sound of Mom's heels became clear behind him, but Diego only noticed the woman's presence when the rain stopped wetting his skin. Grace knelt beside him, protecting them both with a large black umbrella.

\- Diego...What's going on? - she asked him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Her sweetness made him feel like a child again. He swooped into her arms and the woman hugged him. 

\- Klaus went away - he whispered, hoping not to have to repeat it out louder. Saying it was even more painful than thinking it because it made it real, so real that it was scary. 

\- Oh...I'm sure he had his reasons for doing it, he'll be back - Grace smiled at him. Her positivity was frightening, but among other things she was a robot created to take care of the seven kids like her children, so the attempt to lift his spirit Diego felt it in a loving way. A few minutes later Mom convinced him to go back inside before he caught a cold. Number Two did not stop thinking about her words. Who knows what Klaus was thinking. He and his damned conviction that he should always follow his instincts. 

Then the anger was replaced by the thought that Klaus would be alone on the street, with a thousand threats and above all enough drugs to kill him. Diego thought that he would never see him again and now all the love he had for him could only jealously guard him. 

Reginald entered the kitchen while Mom was serving Diego a cup of hot tea. The man asked him what he was doing there even before breakfast time. Number Two did not intend to answer, but fortunately Grace did it for him. Strangely enough his father left him alone and what's more, he didn't even seem to be upset that Number Four had escaped. Before practice he had announced to the rest of the children that Klaus had left with the same coldness he had used for Five and Ben.

Luther seemed almost sorry, Allison and Vanya certainly were and had tried to embrace Diego, without success. The latter refused to talk to anyone, locking himself in his pain and his hard shell. 

_ But if you loved me _

_ Why'd you leave me? _

_ Take my body _

_ Take my body _

The days began to pass and everything became more and more painful. Diego wanted every single moment to see him return.

The light on and the darkness in his footsteps. When they loved each other even his footsteps were different, he would wake up in the middle of the night to hear him breathe, and they would end up waking up and walking, without taking a step, inside what they were looking at. There was a moment when the light went out, the bodies too weak to grasp the strength of an embrace. Little by little the world moves away those you love. Too much world had separated them, and they could not even preserve a bed as a last refuge.

**Life is so great that it can also be infinitely small.**

**The deserted house, full of me. I wander around in search of something worth looking for. And I find nothing but all the good reasons for not having a reason.**

**Where are you?**

**I am alive, distraught but alive, at the entrance to your room. Our siblings are looking at my pain, my shitty pain, like looking at a dead man.**

**Where are you while here everything hurts?**

**I am writing to write to you. Everything I write is as if I were telling you. I have not yet found the courage to raise the shutters, to let the sun creep in through the crevices of your absence. I have not yet found the courage for another life different from you. I am writing to write to you. And your empty room as always is our last refuge. Here everything is as it was before everything changed forever. We are still here, you and I, you and I in these words that I write without you being able to read them. You and I here as always: one writing what the other won't read. Here, only here, I still write to keep you alive in me. Here, only here. I still write to keep myself alive.**

**Where are you while I can't stand anything anymore?**

**The days go by. The days go by. I go through heartbreaking training, Dad's beatings and Mom's care. I create characters, stories, I live as if it were possible to live, as if watches mark time, as if people existed. I live as if it were possible to live. I know that if you were here you would tell me that it would be possible. You would give me a pat on the back, a passionate kiss (ah, so much nostalgia for your tongue, Klaus), and you would tell me to stop being a pussy: get a life, lazy. And I would smile, I would say you would be wrong - and I would end up doing exactly what you said. Not out of tiredness, not because I know I am not able to fight back, not because I know I am hostage to the love I feel for you. Only because to do exactly what you would like me to do would be to do exactly what I would like to do. Get a life, lazy. Every day I hear your voice in my head, in my eyes, in my mouth, all over my skin. I hear you in every step I take. And sometimes I am afraid to walk just so that the noise of my steps does not overwhelm your voice.**

**Where are you?**

**The abandonment needs two people. Abandonment always needs two people. The one who abandons and the one who accepts abandonment. You are here and it is with you that I want to spend my days. I am sorry, but I will never abandon you. You will have my words, every day, as it has always been. You will have my eyes closed in yours, as yours always closed mine. Do you remember that as soon as you fell asleep, I would fall asleep right away? As if we were bound by some biological mechanism. You said: I am sleeping now. And I was saying nothing. I simply looked at you, slowly, as you closed your eyes - and, at the same time, I closed, slowly, as slowly as yours, mine. And so we would fall asleep, every day and every night together, really together, sleeping the same sleep. Even when we slept we did not stop being united. If I dreamed, I dreamed of you. I felt you inside everything I lived. You were the external part of me - the body that belonged to me just as life belongs to me. Don't think that I let you leave me. Abandonment needs two people.**

**Where are you? I need to live one more time.**

_ All I want is _

_ And all I need is _

_ To find somebody _

_ I'll find somebody _

_ Like you, oh, oh _

Diego decided to leave home a few weeks later, tired of existing in a place where everything hurt. Without Klaus nothing was the same. Without Klaus who held him and told him that everything was fine, he could not survive in that house. Number Two had taken all his things, greeted Mom with a big hug, trying to put it in his mind forever, and went to live a new life where he would find out who Diego really was. 

It was not easy to start from scratch, but the boy, after much preparation, enlisted in the police school. That place offered him everything he needed and Diego wanted to protect people, to be one of those figures that people rely on. But the more time he spent in there, the more he realized that none of those people really did anything for the community they were supposed to be defending. 

Diego held out for almost a year, until he was expelled because he insisted on doing things his way. He always wanted to take action, concrete things, actions that saved people's lives, not that destroyed them. Diego did not want to do what others ordered him to do, he was now the master of his life. 

In police school he didn't make many friends because of his asshole behavior, but he met Eudora, an aspiring police woman of his age, a beautiful girl. She had been so stubborn and determined to try and make friends with him again and again, until Diego had lowered his defenses. The girl was sweet and funny, plus she was the first person in the outside world Diego didn't hate. He inexplicably felt a certain affection for her, which always seemed impossible since Klaus had never stopped occupying his heart. At first he thought he saw Eudora only as a friend, a good friend, that he could always rely on. They spent several evenings together, going to some bar or staying in the park under the stars and Diego was always back in his room with a smile. Yet he decided to be still most of the time, hoping that Klaus would come out of nowhere and tell him that he loved him and had come back to stay. But then while they were sitting on the windshield of Eudora's car looking at the city from a vantage point, she kissed him. The boy's brain had exploded because of too many thoughts accumulating. He thought that was his first kiss since Klaus. He thought that that was the first woman who kissed him. He thought that maybe he was falling in love with her and two seconds later he thought that he had never fallen in love with anyone else but Klaus. Every thought was about Klaus. Finally he thought "Fuck you, Klaus" and kissed her back, placing his hand on Eudora's cheek. 

Even when Diego had been thrown out of the police school, Eudora had remained beside him. They had started a life together and everything was going perfectly. However, Klaus' thoughts remained fixed in Diego's heart, sometimes wishing he was living that life with him. He loved Eudora, but was not sure if it was true love.

_ 'Cause you brought out the best of me _

_ A part of me I'd never seen _

_ You took my soul and wiped it clean _

_ Our love was made for movie screens _

In the meantime Klaus had started running as fast as he could. He wanted to get away from the house that had become a prison, but his wounds did not allow him to resist the race for more than a minute, his breath suddenly stopped. He continued on his way, walking at random, without knowing where to go. And he continued to do so until he found a motel that could accommodate him without questions and with little money. He stayed in that place, still scared, thinking that maybe he had to go back, but then the idea that Reginald could beat him again to punish him for running away made him stay where he was. He also thought about Diego, how he would hate him forever, more than he already did. Yes, Klaus had convinced himself that after he found out he was taking meth Diego hated him and it scared him to even think that he had not saved him from his father on purpose that morning. The belief that he was a failure, an empty and useless boy had been imposed on him and now it was hard not to believe it.

In the following months Klaus found a job in a diner, decided to take over his life and get something positive out of it. He got busy and since he had nothing better to do and liked to chat with customers, he always offered to take more shifts. But old habits die hard and Klaus spent some of the little money he earned on drugs. He always made sure he was alone before he took his pills and made friends with the owner's son, Antonio, who also became some sort of boyfriend. To be honest he didn't really like that guy much, he only stayed with him out of necessity, to have a place to sleep and keep his job for as long as possible. At the end of the day he was treated well and having someone who loved him was nice, but Klaus kept telling himself that it wasn't Diego. 

**(how do you turn off an eternal memory?)**

**I'm afraid of the past, you know? Afraid that it will never come back. And it doesn't come back. The worst thing is that it doesn't come back, Diego.**

**Memories are proof that there is something diabolical and miraculous in the world: as much joy as pain.**

**How does one extinguish an eternal memory? How do you turn off the night you said yes to me for the first time? Or worse: how do you turn off the night you said no to me for the first time?**

**There is so much suffering and only one life to live. The lady in the corner store is in a lot of pain, yet she smiles. As long as it will be possible to suffer so much and**

**keep smiling? Humanity is afraid of pain, that's why it suffers. A strange wind blows in me, a cry that fills my bones.**

**Where am I when you are not there?**

**Death serves to give value to life - or to forget it. My hour has not yet come, but you are no longer there: this is the perfect paradox.**

**How to continue?**

**Somewhere there must be someone you hold in your arms, somewhere there must be someone full of life. I feel envy for those who love you, and at the same time boundless admiration: who makes you happy is my best friend, even if it takes me away from you. I love you beyond myself.**

**One day I will recognize your image in the sun again. You are the image that includes all the others, a kind of superior image, a unique image.**

**There is only what touches us or there is nothing.**

**The lady in the corner store wants me to smile in turn; I make an effort but I can't: we are both trapped in a nostalgia that only she can mask. When I stop looking with your eyes then I will see what surrounds me. But not for now; for now I want to keep looking for you even though I know you don't want to be found.**

**To love is to continue looking for what you don't want to be found. I look for you to find myself. I hope that you understand. And when night falls, the apartment is empty, a dog barks and seems to know what loneliness is. There is something incomprehensible about everything that cannot be explained - ironically this is something worth experiencing.**

**Sometimes I forget that you exist. It is the most unbearable two or three seconds of the day.**

_ But if you loved me _

_ Why'd you leave me? _

_ Take my body _

_ Take my body _

Klaus had never stopped loving him, despite the months that had passed since he ran away. He had passed under Diego's window almost every night since that day, he wanted to climb up, enter his room and tell him to go with him, but he had never found the courage. He missed his hugs, he missed his kisses, he missed the way it never made him feel out of place or wrong. He felt that Diego was the love of his life and hoped that like in the greatest love movies they would find each other to live the rest of their lives together and make up for all the lost days. Maybe it was just the mentality of an eighteen year old boy or maybe it was the truth, this Klaus would never know.

Unfortunately, nothing lasted in his life and Antonio discovered every lie he told and even kicked him out of the diner. Klaus became homeless again. And then he let himself go. And it was easy to let go. Simply letting go. A little attempt here, another little attempt there. Just to pretend not to let go. And to be able to keep on letting go. It had been so easy to let go. It did not require strength, it did not require motivation, it did not require attempts, it did not require the risk of error. Letting go required to continue, only to continue. The same gestures, the same habits, the same answers to the same questions. Always the same shit. Letting go is always, exactly, the same shit. So Klaus continued to consume whatever drugs he could, occasionally looking for money in exchange for small sexual favors to buy more, and continued to steal here and there to survive. He couldn't deny that he felt a mistake that had to be wiped from the earth. 

_ All I want is _

_ And all I need is _

_ To find somebody _

_ I'll find somebody _

_ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh _

A year later, while Diego was moving on with his life, Klaus experienced his first overdose. The muscle tremors, marked mental confusion, delirium and convulsions made him feel like he was about to die. And part of himself had hoped for it, what was the point of going on? The ghosts wouldn’t shut up for more than a few hours, being homeless, without family, having lost the only person who loved him, the death of Ben still following him in his dreams, depression, the voice of his father who told him he was a disappointment. Nothing in his life had ever gone the way he wanted and it hurt not to have control. It hurt so much to have to suffer. It hurt so much to know that it was easy not to suffer, that it was so easy to smile here, another smile there. And go on in a multitude of smiles as if it was meant for them. He was always as close to euphoria as he was to death. He wasn't interested in something that didn't have a dizziness, that didn't require nature to be too much. If it wasn't too much he didn't care, if it couldn't be fatal he didn't need it. He was like an actor who doesn't know his role and who therefore plays all the roles he meets. He wasn't the humorist or the pathetic, he wasn't the genius or the imbecile, he was the guy who didn't know where he was and that's why he went everywhere so as not to find himself in any place. He would have liked to be like the others, poor and happy creatures, who just needed any place and had everything. To be there, in their little corners of possible happiness, to live possible smiles. And all this satisfied them. How he wanted to be like that, not wanting anything more than what he had and feeling complete with the parts he possessed - with the parts that the world gave him. But all he wanted was what he could no longer have, all he felt was what he still had to feel, all he occupied was what he was desperately fighting for.

But then, just as he was about to give up, Ben had appeared and told him that he couldn't give up, that his life was a gift and he could leave that shit behind him, that he was capable of it, because the Klaus he knew was much better than that. Strong, capable, funny and loving. So he took him by the hand and Klaus woke up in an ambulance and Ben...was there with him. 

Since that day his brother had never left him alone and it was finally nice to know that there was someone with him, even though nobody could see him but Klaus. Ben was like his conscience and often convinced him to go to rehabilitation, but it had never worked except for the days spent in those bare buildings full of people like him.

_ If you loved me _

_ Why'd you leave me? _

_ Take my body _

_ Take my body _

They hadn't seen each other for almost two years when they realized that they had never really stopped seeing each other.

On that cold night, Diego's radio intercepted the police radio, who were checking a strange traffic in an alley in the city, famous for being frequented by drug dealers. When he heard it, it had become almost personal. It was that shit that drove Klaus away from him, he felt it was his duty to stop all those assholes selling drugs. He was a vigilante.

Obviously he moved fast, faster than the idiots in blue uniforms and arrived first. A man was holding a boy by the neck. 

\- Either you pay me back every penny or I'm gonna take you out right now, kid - the man said and punched the guy in the face on the wall. Diego didn't wait a second longer and skillfully pulled one of his knives to stop the guy and rushed to help the curly-haired boy, who had fallen down as soon as his grip was loose. 

Then the boy raised his head and met his eyes. And Diego couldn't tell whether it was good or bad for him. He had seen those bright green eyes a thousand times, he had studied them and known them for years. He could not believe that the boy in front of him was Klaus himself.

They stared at each other for seconds that seemed endless, confused, distressing, surely not expecting to see each other again, to find themselves still so close. 

The sirens of the police made space in the air and Diego took Klaus by the hand, taking him away from that place.

_ All I want is _

_ And all I need is _

_ To find somebody _

_ I'll find somebody _

_ Like you, oh _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!!! Thank you everyone for reading and I hope you are enjoying the story so far <3   
> Feel free to leave some kudos and maybe some comments, love you all so much xoxo


	9. Back to December - Taylor Swift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts.

_ I'm so glad you made time to see me _

_ How's life, tell me how's your family? _

_ I haven't seen them in a while _

Diego kept his eyes fixed on the road as he drove to his apartment. There was an unbridgeable silence, full of unspoken things. Klaus was sitting next to him, in the passenger seat, and his appearance made it clear that life had not been kind to him during those two years. 

Diego was feeling so much anger, he was not ready for that moment, for that meeting. He was angry because he still felt the pain of the day Klaus left, he was angry for leaving him, he was angry for disappearing, for never looking for him, he was angry for the way his heart was beating and fighting the instinct to stop the car and hold Klaus with the same love that he had never stopped feeling. 

He had no right to do that. Klaus had no damn right to pop up again like that, sweep everything under the carpet, occupy his life with his own. And then to leave without a goodbye, without a "I loved loving you", without a "it was very nice to be with you". Nothing. He had entered, he had loved, he had hurt. And he was gone. And he was there, lost, chained to what he had left waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to come back and say that it was all a joke, that he hadn't left like the coward he had always been. For a moment he thought that Klaus disgusted him. But that didn't stop him being the man of his life. To love is to be able to imagine yourself in the arms of someone who can even disgust you. And at that moment, in that blind anger, in that space where they were locked up, he disgusted him. Diego thought it was disgusting to be his - yet even so he would give anything to be his again. He hated his kisses and at the same time what he wouldn't give to have them again, to stop the car and kiss him, to taste his lips again. He thought he hated his hugs - yet he never stopped feeling them, intense and full of love as only they could be. He thought he hated everything that was his. And the worst thing was that everything that was Diego's was still available to Klaus (lack of personality, he thought; weakness, he thought; but being weak and happy was much better than being strong and shitty as in the last two years). For how many years had passed he continued to have the certainty, the most absolute certainty, that he would remain like that until the end of his days. Available. Available for Klaus, for the shitty decisions he made, for the shitty life he offered him.

_ You've been good, busier than ever _

_ We small talk, work and the weather _

_ Your guard is up and I know why _

_ Because the last time you saw me _

_ Is still burned in the back of your mind _

He felt disgust for him, but the nostalgia overcame that negative feeling.

Every night Diego was his for the first time. He closed his eyes and Klaus' hand ran through Diego's skin in search of the ultimate pleasure. Even in that he was disgusting. Even in that, in the almost painful way he sought orgasm, it was disgusting. But then Diego remembered how Klaus always needed to know about Diego, what he wanted, how to give him pleasure. And so it was, with that sweetness of his, that he felt loved. It was so, thanks to his total ability to give him pleasure, that he felt pleasure. 

It was at that moment that he realized that what he felt for Klaus was not disgusting. That was his anger talking, the pain of the wound that had just reopened and started to burn.

Diego loved him beyond any possible reason. Beyond all possible reasons. And all those times (and he meant all of them) that he had said that Klaus did not deserve him and that he should forget him, he had not been right. He certainly had every reason to send him to hell, to not even want to look at his face anymore (he was still so beautiful, so beautiful). But Diego closed his eyes and he saw Klaus, until that night, when he opened his eyes and found him for real. All the reasons were against him. And maybe love is just something that has all the reasons against it. **"Loving you makes me sick, Klaus"** he thought, then he stopped the car in front of his house, and met his gaze for the second time  **"But I love you"** .

_ You gave me roses and I left them there to die _

_ So this is me swallowing my pride, _

_ Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night, _

_ And I go back to December all the time _

Klaus would pass his gaze from the buildings outside the window to Diego's face, on which he could read every emotion he was feeling. Diego was an open book for him, even after all that time. 

Klaus felt even more guilty about the day he left. He had always wondered how Diego had reacted to all that crap he had put him in, and the answer was in his eyes. Anger mixed with pain and disappointment, maybe even a little bit of love and nostalgia. 

How much happiness had Klaus lost because of a late repentance?

Actions sometimes fall like bombs inside two people who love each other more than words.

He wanted to avoid the hardest ones, the ones he had done before repentance. How much happiness was lost because of late repentance? A second or two delay was enough and the building had crumbled - an unhealthy, suffocating paper castle. It had become impossible to breathe inside what it could be.

_ It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, _

_ Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine _

_ I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right _

_ I go back to December all the time _

In the end he had lost everything, but it was enough to watch Diego driving to make everything his again.

Diego, according to Klaus, was born to keep him from dying. Diego had his whole life ahead of him and Klaus believed that his life no longer made any sense.

And then his smile. Diego’s "I promise never to leave you", his "I love you so much, Diego". And the bed. Oh, the bed. That seemingly so trivial place had been their only refuge since the first night they had spent embraced, frightened by nightmares and ghosts.

There was a prince and there was a princess. And then there were them. Higher up there were them. And there was everything that great love stories should have. At first the courtship in secret, then the shy courtship, the hand given as if it were a test of courage, the request for engagement made only of a kiss, the full happiness. All that was missing was to be happily ever after. There is always a lack of being happily ever after. Also because life does not know forever. There is a price to pay, one day you love and the next day you die. And the worst thing about real life was not to find yourself hopelessly in love one day and have someone hopelessly in love with you and the next day be hopelessly dead in front of someone or find yourself hopelessly dead. The worst thing in real life was to one day find yourself hopelessly in love and have someone hopelessly in love with you and the next day continue to be hopelessly in love but no longer have someone hopelessly in love with you. The worst thing in life was being able to resist the death of a love. The worst thing in life was to keep breathing when what made it possible no longer existed. Klaus knew he had stopped being everything Diego loved. He didn't know when he had stopped loving him. Whether it was the day he realized he was just an insecure boy, whether it was the day he realized he was on drugs, or whether it was the day he simply woke up, looked to his side and never found him again. Klaus had left and Diego had stayed. Only in this way was he able to define what had happened to him: he had left and his poor Diego had stayed. Exactly in the same place, with exactly the same desire as him. There was still so much to do, so many new things to experience together, in rehabilitation they had told him that he had his whole life to find others.

Everything was left behind, in the end he had lost everything, but it was enough to watch Diego drive by his side for everything to be his again.

Diego had returned that night and Klaus realized that he had never been able to leave.

_ These days I haven't been sleeping _

_ Staying up playing back myself leaving, _

_ When your birthday passed and I didn't call _

They got out of the car still silent and full of thoughts. They did not know what to say. 

Diego opened the door and went inside, waiting for Klaus to do the same. The dark-haired boy pointed to a chair to make him understand to sit down, he had not yet found his voice, he did not know if he would ever do so. The other nodded and sat down, looking around, watching Diego disappear from the room. Klaus waited for him, playing with the sleeves of his jacket, nervous. He noticed the pain in his nose only at that moment, when he tried to concentrate on everything but his own thoughts. 

_ And I think about summer, all the beautiful times _

_ I watched you laughing from the passenger side _

_ And realized I loved you in the fall _

_ And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind _

_ You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye _

\- Without him you would have died - Ben caught his attention. His brother was leaning against the door jamb while he looked at him as if he wanted to scold him. Klaus said nothing because Ben was right, he looked down and luckily Diego came out with gauze and disinfectant in his hands. 

Klaus would have wanted to protest, to say that there was no need, he was used to it and all he needed was water, nothing else, but the voice didn't come out. A good part of him wanted Diego to take care of him. And he did. The boy lifted his face gently and began to pass gauze with disinfectant over his almost broken and bleeding nose. 

Diego took his time, lost studying him. Klaus's face looked tired, his green eyes were dull just like the last day he had a chance to look at them, black makeup was smudged around them. His curls had been cut by some inexperienced hand, probably by himself, but they were messed up as usual, as Diego liked. Then Diego concentrated on his lips while gently disinfecting the cut on his lower lip. That was his favorite part of Klaus. His lips were still soft and rosy, and Diego couldn't help but remember how many places of his body they had been. There was no part where Klaus hadn't kissed him. 

Diego thought about kissing him for a moment, but he decided not to because he thought Klaus didn't deserve it. 

_ So this is me swallowing my pride, _

_ Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night _

_ And I go back to December all the time _

He finished taking care of him and Klaus got up from his chair and walked towards the front door. He was used to being kicked out of most of the places he went, so he decided to leave to avoid making a bad impression.

\- Where do you think you are going? - Diego's stern voice broke the silence. Klaus turned to look at him confused and even a little scared. - Stay here tonight - the black-haired boy ordered him. His air was cold and detached. He had no intention of being seen as vulnerable, not even if it was Klaus, who had assisted him at worse times. But at the same time he would not let him go, he feared he was in danger. 

Klaus went to sit down where he was, Diego looked at him. Another minute of silence followed. The green-eyed boy went back to play with his sleeve, keeping his eyes down. A strange fear had become even more apparent in him. Being inspected by Diego in that way made him feel worse than usual. 

_ It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, _

_ Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine _

_ I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind _

_ I go back to December all the time _

\- I am so sorry - a whisper came out of Klaus' lips. Those were the first words he was able to utter.

\- What did you say? - the other asked him, not having understood the sentence practically came out as a thought out loud rather than something addressed to him.

\- I am so sorry - Klaus clarified his voice and repeated, feeling himself trembling. Maybe it would have been better to take some heroin before having that conversation, but if he had done it in front of Diego, the latter would have gone out of his mind.

\- Goodnight - Diego turned around, heading towards his room. He didn't have the strength to face that conversation, he didn't even have the courage or the calm. 

\- Diego, wait...Let's talk about it - Number Four begged him. His name came out just like a prayer, one of those that are done in silence, almost for fear that they will not come true.

But Diego shook his head firmly.

\- There is nothing to talk about - Number Two went to his room and slammed the door. He slipped slowly against it, with his head in his hands. He felt so upset and from the moment he saw him, all he wanted to do was cry. And he did so, tired of holding that river in flood inside him. It was like reliving that day, again and again. The letter, the running around the house, the flowers destroyed, the rain, the shit he had to live with in the following weeks alone. It hurt like hell, Diego couldn't stand it. 

_ I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right, _

_ And how you held me in your arms that September night, _

_ The first time you ever saw me cry _

\- Diego, honey, are you okay? - Eudora's warm hands rested on his. Diego looked up. Fuck, Eudora. He had only remembered her at that moment, he had remembered that he already had someone who loved him and to love. He was so lost in Klaus, again, that he had almost forgotten about his fiancée. How could he explain to her that his tears were caused by a love gone wrong? How could he explain to her that he was still feeling that love? How could he look her in the eye and tell her that he had always been in love with a boy? And that that boy was Klaus, yes, his brother, Number Four. 

Diego should have felt anything, but not love. God, he hated that Klaus had this power over him. Really, he hated him as much as he loved him. But Eudora was there, in front of him and he felt he loved her too. She was his life now.

\- I’m fine, don’t worry - he finally told her, trying to recover quickly. He had always avoided showing too many emotions to her too, it was not something Diego liked.

\- Hey, you're crying, so there must be something wrong...Bad day at work? - the woman sat next to him, hugging him. Eudora in those two years had been his rock, the person who in spite of everything was there, who in spite of him yelling at her to leave, she stayed. She had been a fallen angel at the very moment when he needed her most.

\- You can't imagine how much - Diego replied, abandoning himself to her. Her sweet scent reminded him of Mom. 

\- Oh honey, it's okay, somethings don't always go as we want - Eudora tried to comfort him as much as she could. Giving targeted advice was difficult when she didn't know exactly what the problem was. But she was almost okay with it, she thought Diego would open up sooner or later when he was ready, but to be honest she was almost getting annoyed by it.

\- There's my brother on the couch, don't freak out tomorrow morning - after a few moments of silence these were Diego's words. He had told her about his family, he had told her how all those stories about the perfect family sung by magazines were false. Diego had only told her that his father was an asshole and his siblings too, except one. Or so he believed. 

\- So that's what's wrong - Eudora realized how much meeting someone who was part of his trauma in the past had done him no good at all. She inferred the trauma thing, you could see from the outside how much Diego had suffered, even though he had never told her how or why.

When she searched for his eyes, Eudora found tears ready to come out. 

\- Which one of the seven? - the woman asked him, hoping not to have asked a wrong question. She didn't want to upset Diego even more, he didn't need it. 

\- Klaus - the boy pronounced his name almost disappointed, but with a certain affection and nostalgia. God, he was in the other room and he kinda missed him.

\- Ah yes, he is the one who sees the dead, isn't he? - the question was spontaneous, she knew the powers of the siblings, who in the city did not know the Umbrella Academy? Those children were a legend and everyone had always wondered what happened to them. Eudora knew about Klaus, and not only because of his power. Diego had once told her about him and she remembered perfectly how his eyes had started to shine and his smile had become a bit sad. They had passed by a flower store, and in front of those hydrangeas Diego had unblocked himself and started telling her about the birthday present his brother had given him. Eudora found it really sweet, but then Diego changed his mood in a second and left.

\- Yes. I don't want to talk about it, please - Diego stopped her even before she could talk or ask any more questions. He got up first and then helped her to do the same, heading towards the bed. 

\- Night, honey - Eudora told him before she hugged him. 

\- Good night, Patch - Diego had responded by carrying an arm around her shoulders. He closed his eyes and for a moment thought that Klaus was in that bed with him. The fact was that Klaus was there, but on the couch in the living room, taking some meth pills or sleeping pills before he could stop crying and sleeping.

_ Maybe this is wishful thinking, _

_ Probably mindless dreaming _

_ But if we loved again I swear I'd love you right _

_ I'd go back in time and change it but I can't _

_ So if the chain is on your door, I understand _

The next morning, Diego woke up to hear a voice coming from the kitchen. The smell of coffee and the clock that marked 6:30 a.m. made him get up. The show that presented itself to him was...strange? Cute? He did not know it. Eudora was pouring coffee into a cup for Klaus, who was still looking like a wreck. The black makeup was even more ruined and he could see some stripes of it down the cheeks...Klaus cried just like Diego did.

\- You are an angel, thank you - Klaus smiled faintly at her. Diego wondered if he still had difficulty sleeping without him, if he had slept without ghosts attacking him, if he was feeling how he felt without him. Diego stayed hidden for a while to hear what they were talking about, before ruining that atmosphere that seemed sweet.

\- It is a pleasure! - Eudora sat next to him. -Please, Klaus, tell me something about your childhood, Diego refused most of the times I asked him! - the woman had taken a sip of her coffee and looked at Klaus curiously. The green-eyed boy couldn't resist and thought a little bit about something he could tell her, the happy moments were very few and all full of his love with Diego. Klaus was not sure if Diego had told her friend about them.

\- You'll like this one: once I went into Grace's closet, our mother, and put on some red heels, so shiny that I looked like Dorothy! - Klaus giggled, thinking about when Ben had made that joke. - Then Diego went to Allison's room, our sister, and stole one of her lipsticks for me, thinking it would match perfectly with the shoes. You should have seen us in front of the mirror, neither of us could wear a decent lipstick - Klaus watched Eudora laugh and shake her head amused. That memory was starting to hurt in Klaus' chest. - Then Diego told me to make a parade down the stairs and...- Klaus was interrupted by Diego, who had entered the kitchen. He loved to tell the end of the story. 

\- Then he ran down the stairs, tripped over and broke his jaw, the silence lasted for? - Diego explained with a smile and then asked Klaus. Their eyes did not cross, Eudora noticed immediately. Diego went to fill himself a cup of coffee, Klaus looked at an imprecise spot on the table.

\- Eight weeks - the green-eyed boy answered, his voice lowered. In his head the thought of Diego hating on him was getting bigger.

\- Eight glorious weeks - Diego imitated a sigh of relief and his statement sounded almost mean. He couldn’t help it, he was so petty.

\- Diego! Be nice! - Eudora admonished him, throwing a light slap on his arm. 

\- No, it's fine. I know I can be annoying - Klaus shrugged his shoulders. It wasn't fine, now he was sure that Diego hated him and it hurted like a motherfucker. If the day had begun in that way he couldn’t even imagine how it would have ended.

\- How old were you? - the woman asked, trying to restore peace. She could not bear the enormous tension that she was pretending not to feel too.

\- Twelve years old - Diego answered, he remembered it perfectly as if it was yesterday. That day he really laughed a lot, he tried to put lipstick on Klaus so many times that in the end he looked like the Joker. He thought it was a good idea to play like that and encourage him, but then when he fell down the stairs practically rolling Diego rushed over worried and called Mom before Reginald could punish them. Number Two didn't like that silence at all, he wasn't used to Number Four being quiet and didn't make jokes to make him laugh. 

\- Ah, the best years... When I was twelve years old, I had my first sleepover party - Eudora said, and it was a surprise to both of the boys. 

\- For us there have never been better years than others - Diego answered by leaving his place at the table and putting the empty cup in the sink. That was a provocation, but also the truth. There were happy days, yes, but never whole months, let alone years.

\- Yes there were, Diego, but maybe you were too busy arguing with Luther about who was Daddy's favorite to notice - Klaus got up and started collecting his things. He felt offended, did Diego cancel the years in which they all played together? The few years in which they had been a couple? 

\- No, actually I was busy covering up your bullshit and protecting you, getting b...- Diego froze. It wasn't the time, not in front of Eudora, and he didn't even think what he was going to say. She wasn't supposed to know what his father had done to him, he thought it was none of her business. Diego saw how Klaus' gaze went out again. He understood what he was going to say. “Getting beaten up because of you”. 

\- Now you won't have to do it anymore, forget it. I'd better go, thanks for the hospitality and breakfast, Eudora - Klaus threw a kiss to the girl and then headed for the door. He had too much shit to deal with alone, he didn’t need Diego’s too.

\- Wait come on, I'm sure whatever it is you can work it out - Eudora tried, but neither of them listened to her. Or rather they did, but neither of them believed it was possible because of the other's stubbornness. 

Klaus left the apartment, part of himself hoped that Diego would stop him, but he didn't. 

Diego remained motionless. Eudora looked at him for a few seconds and then told him that it was not nice to say those things to his brother, she thought she had to give him at least one chance. Whatever happened between them, they had to talk to each other and the girl told him she saw him taking pills. Eudora left him thinking, going to work. 

Diego had become extremely indecisive. He was fighting with his pride: if he went looking for Klaus he would lose the battle, if he didn't go he would lose him again and maybe forever. In the end he got up from that damn sofa that smelled like Number Four and ran to look for him.

_ But this is me swallowing my pride, _

_ Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night, _

_ And I go back to December _

\- Stop buying that stuff - Diego found him only a few hours later, in another one of those alleys, while he was exchanging his money for more pills. He was still doing it.

\- Ugh, are you following me? - Klaus looked up to the sky. That boy had been back in his life for less than a day and had already given him that angry look too many times. He needed the drugs immediately.

\- You're nowhere to be found, damn it - the other one said to him shaking his head. He had searched every corner of the city to find him, every place, from the most obvious to the most unlikely. Klaus would drive him crazy before his time, Diego had always known that.

\- Oh, I know... How do you think I survived drug dealers and cops? - the guy giggled like that was a joke, but it wasn't. He had learned to hide well so he wouldn't end up in jail or dead. He wasn't sure Diego could understand what it meant to live like that since at least he had rebuilt a better life for himself. Klaus was jealous, he could not lie. 

\- What the...? Look, I need to talk to you, let's go - Diego ignored what Klaus said, he didn't need to go into the details of the matter at the moment. But he sure would have later. He wanted to talk to him first, he was beginning to shake and be nervous.

\- Ah, now you want to talk... Well, I don't, so bye Diego - Klaus tried to overtake him by waving at him, but the other one didn't let him. Diego had blocked him by grabbing him by the arm. They exchanged a look of challenge. Neither of them wanted to give up.

\- Either come with me with your legs or I will be forced to drag you around - the black-haired boy intimidated him threateningly. He would have no problem carrying him around like a sack of potatoes. He had found him and decided that at least he would keep his promise not to leave him. 

Obviously Klaus didn't give up and tried to run away, but Diego was well trained and above all his body wasn't devastated by drugs, so he managed to catch him. He grabbed him and carried him on his shoulders like a sack of potatoes, for real. Klaus had rebelled at first, Diego was having a great time, then he started to say some shit to pass the time and Diego had stopped himself from laughing too many times. Klaus was still his Klaus, despite everything. And Diego was still Diego, fortunately. 

They both knew that the kids they once loved were still there, inside them. Hopefully they would have found each other again.

_ It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, _

_ Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine _

_ I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right _

_ I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind _

_ I go back to December all the time _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, I know, but I needed some sort of “transition chapter” before this two do some serious talking...  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter, love you all xoxo


	10. Never Not - Lauv

_ We were so beautiful _

_ We were so tragic _

_ No other magic could ever compare _

Diego had only grounded Klaus when they had reached a safer place. He watched the curly-haired boy light a cigarette and sit on the wall in front of him. He lost himself looking at him for a few seconds, the sunlight hit his face gently, making his features and green eyes stand out. Diego followed his fluid and almost elegant movements. He was enchanted by the way he carried his cigarette to his lips and lit it, careful that the wind did not extinguish it. He took the first shot and then lifted his head slightly, to prevent the smoke from flowing in his direction. In that position Diego could trace with his eyes the features of his jaw and neck. He stopped his thoughts just in time, remembering that he was still angry with Klaus. It was not the time to be a kid: he had a new life, a girlfriend, a job and Klaus was not included in these plans...Maybe. 

_ Lost myself, seventeen _

_ Then you came, found me _

_ No other magic could ever compare _

\- Are you going to stay and stare at me? I'm shy, you know - the guy in front of him giggled. Diego's looks had not gone unnoticed and Klaus himself had stopped to look at him. He couldn't help feeling guilty again. Diego's face had that frown on his face that he often did when something was wrong. He knew a fight was about to break out, he knew that Diego was going to blow up like a time bomb and honestly Klaus didn't know how to avoid disaster. Poor Diego, who knows how much he had been through without him, must have hurt terribly to be left like that, without explanation. 

\- You're an idiot - Diego shook his head, not knowing how to respond to that joke. He didn't have time for such bullshit, not at all. 

\- We knew that, now tell me what you wanted to talk about - Klaus took another shot, pretending not to feel the anxiety and heaviness in the air. Maybe he was just provoking him like that, but it would have been inevitable, according to him, to come out of that conversation intact. He had rehearsed and rehearsed the scene in his mind for years and always ended up with Diego leaving, angry, saying he didn't want to see him anymore. He would finally find out if it was just a figment of his imagination or if he knew Diego well enough to know how he would behave. 

\- How much of an asshole you are, Klaus. Wait, did you also know you're an asshole or am I obvious? - his tone was totally sarcastic and pungent, almost annoyed. Diego had promised himself to remain calm and face the situation as a thoughtful and rational adult...But he was realizing that "thoughtful" and "rational" had never been adjectives suited to him. 

And the fact that he had repressed his feelings for so long did not help at all. 

\- I've been called a lot of things, but I guess I missed "asshole" - the guy pretended to think about it a little bit before answering. He was avoiding in every way to go straight to the point, to apologize, and that was because he was afraid of it. He didn't like to open up and didn't know how to deal with his problems properly.

\- Why can't you be a normal person for once? What drugs did you take before I found you? Cocaine? Heroin? Ecstasy? - Diego pushed him slightly, looking for the answer in the size of his pupils. Patience was reaching its limits, couldn't he just try to be serious? But above all why did he keep taking that shit? He didn't like the fact that he had to discover his wounds and throw salt on them either, but it was necessary to get on with their lives.

Klaus after those words stopped to look at him. He felt hurt, that was the first day he hadn't thrown down two pills of whatever he had in his pocket for breakfast. He had promised himself to stay sober for some time, in case Diego wanted to talk. But the worst thing was to have confirmation that Klaus, according to Diego, was nothing more than his addiction. He himself, who had never judged him. He, who more than any other person knew every side of Klaus, even the ugliest. 

_ There's a room _

_ In my heart with the memories we made _

_ Took 'em down but they're still in their frames _

_ There's no way I could ever forget, mmm _

Then Klaus put out his cigarette, got up from his seat and started walking away, away from Diego. He wouldn't let him humiliate him like that, absolutely not. Even Ben had realized that no matter how hurt or angry Diego was, those things weren't exactly nice to say. Klaus had been through too much, he was already fragile enough.

\- Klaus! Klaus, where are you going? - Diego followed him, even more irritated than before. Why did he have to be a drama queen as usual?

\- I’m going to get high in some shitty alleyway since I haven't snorted anything since last night - Klaus turned around and answered him angrily in turn. He stopped suddenly, making Diego stop too, very close to him. 

\- I was insensitive, I'm sorry, but...- the black-haired guy puffed annoyed and then was abruptly interrupted by the other one. 

\- No, you don't have the right to say what you want to say and sniping about things you know nothing about! - Klaus raised his voice, pointing a finger at Diego's chest. He knew that his choices had never been wise or right, but before he did them, he always tried to take other paths, healthier paths, until something went wrong and he gave up. 

\- So I don't know anything eh? You chose to leave for this stuff, you decided to love a dose of meth more than me! - Diego's tone had followed Klaus's. And then the bomb had gone off and the disaster was starting to happen. 

\- That's what you think, Diego. That's what everyone thinks, isn't it? - the curly-haired boy had a frown, not explaining how Diego had come to that conclusion. He had never loved anything or anyone else as much as he loved Diego and to hear him convinced of that statement broke him. 

\- Yes, I think so and I am convinced of it. I have seen you looking for cigarettes, weed and then pills over the years. I've seen you become more and more desperate and sometimes I found myself wondering why that stuff was so important to be fine, wasn't I enough for you? I thought I could make you stop, that you would stop if I asked you to, but it never happened, Klaus. So don't try to hide the evidence - Diego opened his arms and let them fall down his torso, his gaze was bitter. He had never understood that morbid need, and Klaus had never seriously talked to him about it, never told him if there was a precise reason other than "everything is shit in this house". 

\- The evidence? You've made films that don't exist in these two years. Do you really think that for you I wouldn't have tried to quit? You were the only good thing in my stupid life, Diego. I would have never done this to you because of some stupid drug - Klaus shook his head and let a half hysterical giggle slip out. 

\- So please, enlighten me. Prove to me that I've really done mental films, prove to me that reality and your motives are not about the shit you keep taking for who knows what damn reason - he said desperately, tired of riddles and mince words. Diego needed the truth, whatever it was. He needed Klaus himself to say it by looking him in the eye. He watched him take a deep breath to calm down for a moment and then began to give him the explanations he wanted.

\- I started getting high because I couldn't stand being locked up and tortured until I ran out of air. I was tired and traumatized, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to do everything to keep my power at bay, to erase it. I wanted to be normal like Vanya an infinite number of times and when I succeeded I started to be afraid to stop. Then you discovered me with pills and when I saw how you looked at me I knew it wasn't worth it. Do you remember how long I cried? How one second was enough for me to fall into a thousand pieces? - Klaus' tone was softened by the memory of the attention and care that Diego had always had for him. Memories had always been what remained of him, of what they had been.

\- Of course I remember...I started singing to try to calm you down - Diego nodded, still a bit skeptical, but definitely less than he was at the beginning of that discussion. He was relieved that Klaus wasn't lying, that he was talking to him without filters, without using excuses. He understood how he had felt, and all seven of them had been through a trauma related to Reginald, some more and some less. He had never understood how it was possible to be so heartless in front of helpless kids. Diego found himself thinking he was lucky to have Klaus holding his hand when something went wrong. He made him strong.

\- While I was holding you, while you were humming, I couldn't think of anything else but wanting to stay with you forever. Then I fell asleep and felt the withdrawal kick in, I remembered the pills scattered in the greenhouse and went to retrieve them... But Dad had retrieved them before me. He wanted to punish me, he told me that the only way to make me stop being weak was violence. When I fainted I thought I was dead and when I woke up the pain I felt all over my body made me realize that I was not. And I was also alone. I convinced myself that you hated me for the pill thing, that you didn't love me anymore and that thought along with everything else crushed me. I didn't leave because I wanted to keep doing drugs, I left because I had become a disappointment for you too - Klaus was opening his heart, tired of holding back, just tired. Those two years had been a total hell and Diego's thoughts had always been the reason why he had been holding on. He felt a bit pathetic when he felt that tears were dangerously close to run down his face. 

Time stopped for a few seconds. Diego had to metabolize everything Klaus had said, and it slowly began to hurt him to think that Klaus felt so abandoned that he had to run away.

\- So that's why you left? Did you really think I hated you? - Diego slowly calmed down. He had always thought that Klaus' act was selfish and not born from all those reasons. From that perspective, things had started to change.

\- Yes, Diego... I also thought that you didn't come to save me on purpose, that you thought I deserved to be hit by dad - his green eyes stared down to his feet. Klaus didn't have the courage to look Diego in the eye, fearing that it was the truth. 

\- Are you crazy? Luther was being a watchdog outside the door and I got into a fight with him to get in... But it was already late and I begged Mom to let me stay with you that night, but she wanted to avoid having another child in your state - his tone of voice went up fast. The thought that Klaus thought he deserved that fate drove him crazy. He looked at him waiting for an answer, but it didn't come. Perhaps that silence was simply his way of making him understand that he understood the situation. They both had time to think for a moment.

_ For as long as I live and as long as I love _

_ I will never not think about you _

_ You, mmm _

_ I will never not think about you _

_ From the moment I loved, I knew you were the one _

_ And no matter what I-I do, ooh, mmm _

_ I will never not think about you _

\- Listen, Klaus... That doesn't justify you. You could have come back for me or let me know where the hell you were... I would have come - Diego spoke again, without giving Klaus a break. He didn't do it out of malice or to make his life impossible, he just wanted to take away whatever was in his mind and heart. 

\- I did it, Diego... I sent you another one of my stupid letters with an address - Klaus gave him a surprised look, he expected Diego to know what he was talking about. But the look on the black-haired boy's face told him otherwise.

\- What are you saying? - Diego asked him. The only letter he had received was the one he had left under his door before he left. And he still had it, of course, well hidden and jealously guarded. 

\- I swear to you - the curly-haired boy carried a hand on his chest. God, how he had cried when the days had begun to flow quickly and Diego had never shown up. That's why he was so sure he hated him and didn't want to see him anymore.

\- Pogo or the old man himself must have found it first - the other one thought about it for a moment, not surprised by such wickedness. He could have lived his life with Klaus. If he had received that address, he could have run to him and built the life they had planned together. If they had had a damn cell phone Diego would surely have received Klaus' message. Fuck it, things could have been different, better. 

\- Anyway... I have never stopped loving you since, ever - Klaus interrupted Diego's thoughts. Those words burned on his tongue more than he had imagined, he regretted having let them out exactly half a second after he had said them. What the fuck was he thinking? Diego would get angry again or run away scared. Nice work, Klaus. 

On the contrary, Diego looked up at him, with a half smile on his lips. He had been waiting to hear those words for two years. 

_ What we had only comes _

_ Once in a lifetime _

_ For the rest of mine, always compare _

_ To the room _

_ In my heart with the memories we made _

_ Nights on fifth, in between B and A _

_ There's no way I could ever forget, mmm _

They had become adults before their time. 

He had missed him. He missed him so much that it almost hurt. A few days earlier Diego had seen a little girl playing in the park and would have wanted to tell Klaus that she could very well be theirs. The little girl they had never had. If they had risked, it would have been like that, he was sure of it. A little girl with his angel face and his beautiful head. From Diego she would have inherited the responsibility. Not pride, he hoped. The damn pride.

He believed that there was one too many people in a couple when pride separated them.

He could have told him about the nights that never ended. Always the nights. During the day there were people, work. When he went to see Grace, she talked about Klaus all the time, she wanted to know how he was and Diego just told her that he would be fine, he would be fine for sure, at least he wanted to believe that, or maybe not, maybe he wanted to believe that he was not fine as well as he was not fine, how could he be fine when he came home and Klaus wasn't there?

Eudora's light had helped him to hide the shadow in him, then someone told a joke, someone else revealed a secret, and life went on. How ironic, isn't it? Diego, who had never wanted to go on, who had always rejected what everyone else had, now he was content with that more or less happiness, that more or less being alive.

There is a little too much in every more or less that one lives.

But then, the night would come down. The night did not pass. It stretched out. It occupied him. And so Klaus went into Diego's dreams and closed his eyes and saw him, opened them and saw him.  **"We were so happy, weren't we?"** he thought. There was nothing left for him but to go on for two years. Believing that one day he would understand that they would just have to forget about maturity.

There is one reason too many when a couple forgets to lose their reason sometimes.

They had become adults before their time, children armed to the teeth, boys playing at marriage. And pride. Damn pride.

_ For as long as I live and as long as I love _

_ I will never not think about you _

_ You, mmm _

_ I will never not think about you _

_ From the moment I loved, I knew you were the one _

_ And no matter what I-I do, ooh, mmm _

_ I will never not think about you _

In an instant Diego decided to become a boy again, to forget pride. He approached Klaus, took his face in his hands and allowed himself to lose reason in his green eyes. 

Klaus felt his heart go fast, it was incredible how Diego still had that power over him. The details of his face had never been so beautiful. The brown eyes, the little scar on his eyebrow, the one on his cheek, his fleshy lips. Diego was wonderful, Klaus could have stayed and admired him forever. And Diego seemed to think exactly the same thing.

They were so close and nothing was going to separate them. So Klaus approached slowly, without thinking twice, carrying his hands on the back of the other one's neck. Diego let himself go for a few seconds, he longed for that kiss he was about to receive, every feeling he had tried to hide from himself was resurfacing. That kiss would not have completely closed his wounds, but it would have lessened his pain and he couldn't help but think about how he was feeling safe, complete again. 

The world around them was gone. Nothing mattered. Just one centimeter and they would finally meet again after two years. 

_ Didn't we have fun? _

_ Didn't we have fun, looking back? _

_ Didn't we have fun? _

But then police sirens sounded far away and Diego's mind led him back to Eudora. 

He stopped immediately, more sad than in panic, resting his forehead on Klaus'.

\- I can't, Klaus, I can't do it - he whispered, closing his eyes and caressing the other's cheeks.

\- Diego...- his hands went to rest on his shoulders. Klaus did not immediately understand what was going through his mind. 

\- I'm sorry… It's just… Eudora, I can't do this to her, even though I wish I could - Diego sighed and opened his eyes only when he heard Klaus moving away from his touch. Not having him so close made him almost feel cold. The fact was that betraying Eudora would have been a bit like betraying himself. She had given him everything, she had sacrificed almost everything to make him feel good and loved, she did not deserve it. 

Klaus said nothing, but his eyes spoke for him. His eyes were full of tears, but he nodded and smiled a little, then put his hands in his pocket and started walking away. He hoped that Diego would stop him, he hoped that the love for him was stronger than his duty to Eudora. Klaus felt that what was left of his heart was slowly crumbling away. He didn't think it could hurt that much. And the more he walked, the more he lost all hope. 

_ Didn't we have fun? _

_ Didn't we have fun, looking back? _

_ Didn't we have fun? _

Diego had remained motionless, with his hands shaking. He didn't know what to do, his head was talking to him about Eudora, but his heart, his damn heart was screaming at him to stop Klaus before losing him again. The more he thought about it, the more he felt he was going crazy, the closer Klaus got to the street corner. Diego felt he had a duty to his heart and the chills he had felt when Klaus was about to kiss him had meant everything to him. 

And in the end he decided to run just when the other one had turned the corner, losing all hope and starting to cry. 

Diego approached him in silence and covered his eyes, hoping not to get punched in the face. Klaus laid his hands on his own and turned around, immediately recognizing who it was. This time not a moment passed, the distance between them was cancelled in a second, before one of them could pull back again and leave. Diego pulled Klaus in that kiss that they had both been waiting for with anxiety. And they felt so fucking good, so good they could even die. Suddenly, those two years apart were over.

_ We were so beautiful _

_ We were so tragic _

_ No other magic could ever compare _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is taking me so long and I don’t even know WHY.   
> Anyway I hope you’re enjoying the story so far, thanks to everyone supporting this 🥰  
> Love you all xoxo


	11. Heather - Conan Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's the Heather?

_ I still remember third of December _

_ Me in your sweater, you said it looked better _

_ On me, than it did you, only if you knew _

_ How much I liked you _

After that kiss, Klaus and Diego stayed still, close to each other, for a while. Despite the emotions and love they had felt strong in them, they both felt that they had exchanged a goodbye kiss. 

Klaus knew he couldn't get into Diego's life and ruin his relationship with Eudora. He wanted to, of course, but he wasn't selfish enough and at the same time he didn't value himself enough to say he deserved Diego more than her. That's why he walked away without making too much fuss when the other one told him he "couldn't do it", and the saddest thing was that he was used to being locked out of the lives of people he cared about. 

Diego, on the other hand, knew it wasn't going to be easy. Although Klaus, his feelings for Eudora were still there, he just needed to understand where they were going. He was convinced that he loved her, but maybe lately he had just settled for it. Coming out of nowhere and telling her that their relationship ended there to Diego didn't seem right, just as betraying her behind her back wasn't right. He had to decide and immediately, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he would have to hurt one of the two people he loved, either Klaus or Eudora. There was no middle ground. 

\- Diego? - Klaus caught his attention, pulling him out of the wave of thoughts that had begun to overwhelm him. The curly-haired boy had noticed how his face had taken on that expression again, always the one he did when there was a problem. 

\- Yes? - Diego couldn't look him in the eye, Klaus knew him too well and even though two years had passed, he hadn't changed that much. 

\- You must go back to her... It's fine, really - he answered, trying not to show the bitterness he felt. It was the right thing to do, even if it was not what Klaus wanted.

\- Don't say that, please. Leave this decision to me - the other one looked up and put both hands on Klaus' cheeks. He was trying to make things easier for him, but it was becoming even more complicated. Diego wanted Klaus to be in his life.

\- Okay, um, listen...I wouldn't bring anything positive, I wouldn't do you any good. Eudora is a beautiful girl and she knows how to make you happy - Klaus didn't think about it for a moment and joined his hands with Diego's, and took them away from his face. He wanted Diego's life to be better than his own, he wanted it to be so beautiful that he forgot all the cruelty he had suffered, he wanted it to be so bright that he threw away the darkness of their childhood and adolescence. Klaus thought it was time for him to rest, have fun and enjoy every moment of happiness with his girlfriend. Diego was twenty years old and deserved all the good things he could get.

\- Klaus...- Diego gave him a look of disagreement. It didn't have to be that way, it didn't have to end that way. He didn't know what led Klaus to think of himself as not being a good presence, but he was sure that as far as he was concerned, Diego was only truly happy in his presence. For every sad moment in his life Klaus had given him ten smiles, ten more moments of calm and serenity. In short, he would be anything but a person who brought evil into his life. He could not go away, not again.

\- Hey, Diego, that doesn't mean I will disappear - his tone was sweet. He shook Diego's hands in his and then caressed his cheek. The intention of disappearing again had never been in his plans, it would have hurt both of them too much. Unfortunately, Klaus believed that he had already marked his life, that he had dirtied it with his bad decisions that would always haunt him. He believed he was destined for that life and would not allow himself to drag Diego down with him. He would rather see him happy with someone else than worried, disappointed and angry with him. 

\- It's just that I still need you - Diego answered him with teary eyes. He had already felt in pieces once and was afraid that it might happen again. 

\- I promise I will come and see you. Now I know where you live and you know where to look for me, we won't get lost - Klaus smiled. There was nothing to smile about and yet he did it, to reassure the boy in front of him. He would keep his promise this time, for Diego.

\- No, you come home with me, I won't let you live on the street and above all I'll help you start over - the black-haired boy made the words come out quickly and it was clearly an imposition. With him Klaus would be safe and away from the drugs that were slowly killing him. He would have helped him with all his strength. Everyone had always given up on understanding him and leading him down the right path, but not him. He would always be there.

\- I cannot refuse, can I? - he asked. Klaus already knew that he would not stay in that house with Diego and Eudora for long, a domestic life was not for him and sincerely he would not stay and watch their beautiful life together like a clubbed dog. 

\- Exactly - finally a half smile was born on Diego's lips. It was obvious that he hadn't thought about so many unfavorable factors for Klaus to live with him, but at that moment he didn't care. 

_ But I watch your eyes _

_ As she walks by _

_ What a sight for sore eyes _

_ Brighter than a blue sky _

_ She's got you mesmerized _

_ While I die _

The first few days passed quietly. Eudora was almost happy when Diego told her that his brother would stay on their couch for a while. The girl thought Klaus was nice, she could see the good in him despite his problems. She let Diego take care of him more, but if she could help, she was happy to do it. Eudora was like that, helping people was always something that made her happy. 

Klaus tried to establish a friendly relationship with her, even though he was jealous as hell. Poor Eudora didn't even know that he had feelings for Diego, that the two of them had always been lovers more than brothers. From the very beginning she was kind and every time she saw Klaus sneaking out of the apartment almost at dawn she tried to stop him and tell him to be careful. It was easy to understand why Diego loved her: she was perfect. Her angelic face, her perfect body, her contagious smile, her sweetness, her determination, her sympathy, the commitment she put into her work, the search for good in all the people she met. She had everything and Klaus felt shitty in comparison, he didn't even feel half as beautiful as her. Diego would never be his, he couldn't compete. 

In fact, when all three of them were at home, Diego had eyes only for Eudora. Klaus disappeared, and it was as if the kiss of a few days before had never existed. So the latter began to spend only the night with them, just to keep Diego happy. Sometimes he didn't even go back with his legs in that house, it was Diego himself who found him around and dragged him in the car. He took care of him only when she was not around, he let him sleep at his side only if she worked the night shift. Klaus started to feel more like a rebound than a safe place, but he still let Diego treat him like that because it was the only way to feel loved by him.

He realized that he could not bear to live in that apartment and in that condition when he woke up one morning and while he was having breakfast the couple entered the kitchen, smiling. And then he began to focus on the details: Diego's messed up hair, the two hickeys on his neck, Eudora wearing only a burgundy sweatshirt by Diego. No, indeed, Diego's burgundy sweatshirt that, just before he left, was Klaus wearing. The first one had always told him that by now the garment smelled of him and that when he was feeling lonely and couldn't be near him he wore it. That scene had hit him in full, like a punch in the face. It was a stupid sweatshirt in appearance, but at that moment it seemed that the world depended on it. Diego was choosing Eudora and the words of the previous days had meant nothing. Diego had taken Klaus off to wear Eudora.

He missed the air and resisting it became painful, so he left the house in a hurry, saying he had a commitment. And so he returned more and more rarely, just to show that he was alive. Diego had tried to stop him, to make him come back. He knew what the other one was doing and every time he showed up at his door he was so high that he didn't even know how he got there. Diego even went looking for him, but Klaus knew how not to be found most of the time. 

What hurt Klaus the most was not knowing that Diego was sleeping with someone else. He really didn't care. What hurt him the most was knowing that he had another shoulder to rest his head on. What hurt him the most was knowing that now there was another person watching him cry. The greatest intimacy is that of tears. The bonds are strengthened in fragility. And now there was another person who cried with Diego, another person who saw his faults, another person who occupied the empty spaces of what he could not be.

What unites people is what you cannot be: what remains unfinished.

They had been happy many times. They had joked, invented, laughed for hours like crazy. And they had loved each other. They had loved each other so much. In all places, in all ways. Rejecting the limits without ever crossing them. 

What unites people is rejecting limits together and yet never crossing them.

They had been happy many times. And when he looked back he understood perfectly well that what remained, what he was left with, were the difficulties and what they had done with them. And he had been there, when something was missing, that they had never missed anything. When the difficulties are too great only love can overcome them.

What unites people is what helps them overcome difficulties that are too great.

Love is also a matter of trust: the trust that love gives us. Those who feel loved, truly loved, are indestructible. He had an overflowing strength, he felt like a hero. With him Klaus never feared anything, with him anything was possible. Until Eudora came along.

They were disappearing. More and more comfortable and more distant. Comfort separates, rejects: it assimilated them. And love is not for those who want to be assimilated. Love is distant: it must be distant in order to approach those who love. To be something that from the outside fills us completely. An assimilated love is a finite love: a half love, a semi-love, an impalpable love. Love can never be impalpable. Love is a boulder and for this reason few people are able to bear it in a lifetime. Perhaps they were not. And now Diego belonged to someone else and Klaus belonged to no one. Maybe one day he would have been able to sleep again, to give his body back to someone different. But his tears would hardly have stopped being Diego's.

_ Why would you ever kiss me? _

_ I'm not even half as pretty _

_ You gave her your sweater _

_ It's just polyester _

_ But you like her better _

_ Wish I were Heather _

That night he decided to go over the limit and started taking pill after pill of Ecstasy. He needed to feel happy, to feel alive and carefree. He didn't care how badly he would feel once the effect was over. And he knew it would hurt quite a bit.

Ben tried to change his mind, but he couldn't touch him and it was almost impossible. He begged him to confront Diego, to talk to him, to act in any way that would not put his life at risk. His brother felt helpless and his heart was broken even though he had seen scenes like that too many times in the last two years. Ben did not know for what kind of miracle Klaus was still alive. He had believed that with Diego the situation would improve, but almost the opposite had happened.

How far does it go what you can't stand?

The great differences between people can be seen on two different levels: the first, in the time it takes them to get it over with something they can't stand anymore; the second, in what they do when they get it over with something they can't stand anymore.

How do you survive what you can't stand but can't stop?

There are, in the end, four types of people: those who take an eternity to stop tolerating what they can't stand - but then, when they can't stand it, they explode, leaving no chance to rebuild what was there before; those who take an eternity to stop tolerating what they can't stand - and then, when they can't stand it, they manage to avoid the total explosion, preferring instead a painful implosion but still able to allow a reconstruction; those that take very little time to stop tolerating what they cannot tolerate - and then, when they cannot tolerate, they explode, leaving no chance to reconstruct what was there before; those that take very little time to stop tolerating what they cannot tolerate - but then, when they cannot tolerate, they manage to avoid the total explosion, preferring instead a painful implosion but still capable of allowing a reconstruction.

Klaus was tired of putting up with it but he was afraid of getting tired of not being able to stand it anymore.

And then there was Diego and there was Klaus: he didn't know what kind of person Diego was and he didn't know what kind of person he was. He never knew when Diego would explode, when Diego would implode; he never knew when he would explode, when he would implode. And he got lost. Klaus was lost in himself, in what he had to do. Whether he had to shout or cry or stop, talk or shut up. He was a little boy in a world of adults, a wretched donkey staring at a building when they clashed. And why the hell did they collide so often if in the end so many things joined them? They gave themselves so well to each other every day - and then came any word, any gesture, any inattention, any carelessness, any excessive attention, and there comes the explosion again, another time the implosion, another time an infinite labyrinth, his tears, his desire to escape because he couldn't stand it anymore, even though he didn't know (really didn't know) where it came from. Were they different types of people, different types of emotional blood, incompatible? Or maybe they just had different limits, different distances between what prevented them from continuing and what gave them even more strength to continue? Where were they when they did not know where they were?

**"Today I am leaving us once and for all and soon afterwards I will return once and for all".**

It costs so much to leave and it costs so much to return. 

And every day they would leave their home and then return to live there. Destroy, build, destroy, build: here are their days, their delicious (so beautiful, so beautiful, their love, their kiss, their jokes, their inimitable stupidity) and painful ( the hurt, the crying, the feeling of a stupidly deserted territory in the middle of the chest, the incomprehensible separation) days. They found themselves in an interval of pain, a limbo of resentment, a tunnel of agony - a procession of faith in which both suffered but from which they took a long time to get out, even if they always succeeded. They were absolutely incompatible and totally in love. In the end only one would win. 

Klaus found himself collapsing on the ground within a few hours. Too many chemicals were in his blood, but not enough to overdose him. He had immediately recognized the muscle tremors, the marked mental confusion and delirium. When the convulsions were added, he was more than sure that he was going to die of an overdose; all that was missing was the cardiovascular collapse.

His eyesight went dark, and he hoped that it would continue to be so. His life was only getting worse and Klaus was tired of fighting.

_ Watch as she stands with her holding your hand _

_ Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder _

_ But how could I hate her? She's such an angel _

_ But then again, kinda wish she were dead _

_ As she walks by _

While in the car with a friend of hers, a police officer, Detective Eudora happened to notice the boy lying on the ground. And she recognized that he was the brother of her boyfriend by the eccentric coat she had often seen thrown on her couch. She immediately asked to stop the car and call an ambulance, then rushed to verify that Klaus was alive. The pulse was there, though almost imperceptible, but he remained unconscious. 

The ambulance arrived and they could only get Klaus back on the defibrillator. Despite his requests to be let go, he was taken to the hospital and Eudora took him away with her once he was stabilized. 

In the car the boy did not say half a word, he was lost in his feelings, in his head and dark thoughts. Part of him was grateful to Eudora, so damn right on time, so perfectly on time and just perfect. He loved her and hated her at the same time. He would have wanted to say to her "Thank you for saving my life, but I still hate you because you have all I’ve ever wanted". As he looked out the window she asked him questions that he wasn't really listening to. He had just tried to kill himself and without success, let's say he would have preferred to be alone with his shame. 

\- ...Diego? - Eudora had stopped the car and turned towards him with a serious and understanding look.

\- What? Sorry, I wasn't listening... - Klaus sighed, surrendering to the fact that his mind had immediately responded to the name of the other and not to the words said before.

\- I asked you if you want me to talk to Diego - the girl laid a hand on his shoulder, worried.

\- Oh...I would like for him to not know what happened - he shook his head and looked away. What would he have thought of him? What would he have thought? Of course, Diego's opinion of Klaus wasn't the best, but he didn't want it to get any worse. In fact, no, he didn't want him to see how much he had really suffered and was still suffering. 

\- Klaus, but he is your brother...You know he always worries about you - Eudora tried to reason with him when she saw that Klaus had opened the car door and left his seat next to hers. She followed him. 

\- How sweet - Klaus answered sarcastically, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

-Yes, it is, you should see him. You are really important to him, I've never seen him talk about other people the way he talks about you - she said and rushed to confiscate his cigarettes. The guy in front of her made a disapproving noise and she threw the pack in the trash. Eudora was worried about him, about his state, she felt him as close as a brother, protecting him was becoming more than just doing her job. 

Klaus, however, did not respond to her statement, but let himself be guided into the house, his body and mind were completely exhausted to wage a war.

\- All right, you tell him. But please tell him that I want to be left alone...I don't want to talk about it - in the end he answered, looking Eudora in the eyes. She understood why Diego was in love with her, besides being a fantastic person she was also so beautiful. 

\- I promise you - Eudora stood on tiptoe and hugged him. Klaus was a little surprised by that contact, but then he thanked her and held her in turn. 

Hating her made him feel more and more guilty, damn it.

Eudora offered Klaus to sleep in the bed for a while, since she had to go out again to work on a case. The boy nodded and she led him into the bedroom, handing him the burgundy sweatshirt. Klaus thought it was a joke. Definitely some gods were having fun taking the piss out of him. 

Eudora left him alone and he changed and then slipped between the sheets. Everything smelled like Diego. Klaus squeezed himself into his sweatshirt and pulled the sheets over his head. He was so full of emotions, so full that he burst into tears, just wishing there was someone to hold him. No, not someone, but a specific person: Diego. Damn Diego.

Well, now he knew which of the four types of people he was: he was one of those who take forever to stop tolerating what they can't tolerate - and then, when they can't tolerate, they manage to avoid the total explosion, preferring instead a painful implosion but still able to allow a reconstruction.

_ What a sight for sore eyes _

_ Brighter than a blue sky _

_ She's got you mesmerized _

_ While I die _

\- Hey, home already? - Diego closed the door behind him with one foot, his hands occupied by shopping bags. He had left a few hours earlier and had just returned, ready to relax and prepare dinner before going on a mission. Usually Eudora was not back before 10pm and that day it was only 6.54pm. 

\- No, actually I should go back...I was waiting for you to come back home before I left - Eudora went to help him, took one of the envelopes and put it on the kitchen table. She was feeling a little anxious to tell Diego why she was home. 

\- Why? - he turned with a smile, waiting for the answer with his arms crossed. She approached him and put her hands on his shoulders. 

\- I wanted to see you - she answered, but not convincingly enough. And Diego noticed. Her eyes betrayed her in less than a second. 

\- Okay...And? What else? - he frowned. Something was wrong, the more the seconds went by, the more he could feel a bad feeling growing up.

\- Sit down - Eudora invited him to take a seat on one of the chairs in the kitchen, moving it for him. Diego sat down without too much ceremony, even though he didn't want to. 

\- Will you tell me what is it? Don't make me worry - Diego asked when she still didn't say anything. The strange thing was that the fear that she wanted to tell him not to let Klaus in the house anymore outweighed the fear that their relationship might end. 

\- Today I was on patrol and I found Klaus, passed out, in one of those small streets...He was close to the overdose, I don't know how much stuff he had taken, we were in the hospital all day - the girl sighed. That was definitely worse than any hypothesis Diego had thought.

\- Why didn't you call me?! Where is he now? How is he? God, if I catch him, I'll kill him myself - he got up so fast, ready to get out of the house and reach Klaus at the end of the world if necessary. Diego felt short of breath, he had lost sight of him for a day and a half, just one day. 

\- Diego! - the girl scolded him for the last statement. She was really scared for the poor guy, she didn't even want to think about what could have happened if she wasn't there.

\- Sorry, I just can't stand the fact that he does this, that he thinks he deserves it - Diego shook his head, bitter. It was true, Klaus thought he deserved that pain, he had always thought so strongly about it and to make him acknowledge that he was wrong was much easier when they spent everyday together at the Academy.

\- Yeah, he's not well and doesn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to tell you what happened - Eudora replied in amazement, both because Klaus would hide something like that and because she saw that Diego was not surprised. There was something she still couldn't grasp about the relationship between the two of them, she felt it like an itch that she couldn't scratch.

\- Shit, Klaus - Diego put his hand in his short hair, trying to figure out how to behave, how to help him once and for all.

\- Be nice, don't be an asshole to him. He seems to me already quite destroyed - Eudora said, standing in front of him and taking his face in her hands. 

\- I'm never an asshole with him - he shrugged his shoulders, knowing that it wasn't really true. Whether it was an answer or an action, sometimes Diego still behaved like an asshole with Klaus, just to make him realize that he was still a bit angry.

\- Sometimes you are - in fact Eudora ran him immediately, raising her eyebrows. 

\- Where is he? Come on, I promise to be good - Diego stroked her hair. He still didn't know what the hell to do with all that situation.

\- In our room, I think he's asleep - she answered him and then took all her things, making him understand that she was going back to work. She greeted him with a kiss on the lips, but Diego didn't reciprocate much. He had officially started to get lost in the thought that Klaus had tried to hurt himself on purpose, and it made him almost cry.

_ Why would you ever kiss me? _

_ I'm not even half as pretty _

_ You gave her your sweater _

_ It's just polyester _

_ But you like her better _

_ I wish I were Heather _

_ Wish I were Heather _

Once Eudora had left, Diego headed for the bedroom on tiptoe. In case he was asleep, he did not want to wake him. He opened the door slowly, and the first thing he heard was Klaus sobbing. His heart broke. He must have known why all that pain. The last time he heard him so destroyed they were seventeen years old. 

He closed the door behind him and came closer.

\- Klaus - he called him with a thread of voice, sitting on the opposite side to the one where the boy was crouching and hiding. In a second Klaus under the covers silenced himself, holding his sobs and covering his lips with his hands. Fuck, he had heard him. 

Diego received no answer and slipped under the covers with him. And seeing his face hurt him even more than hearing him cry. He approached his body by his hips, meeting the green eyes of the other one, destroyed and full of many more tears. Diego caressed his face and then held him in an embrace. 

To love a happy person is easy, you just have to love life and everything runs smoothly. The problem is to love unhappiness, to understand that somewhere it hurts and that you don't have any role in this pain, to accept that there are decisions that you can't make and situations that you can't avoid, to understand that the most you can give is a hug. There are many moments in life when the most you can give is a hug. Many times love is to realize the dimension of an embrace, to hold the one you love and do nothing, to say nothing, to wait for the pain to pass, or to continue inside an embrace, and to love. There are so many moments in life when the most you can do is hide the pain in an embrace, and love.

He couldn't stand his pain but not having him would be unbearable, thought Diego, his neck waiting for Klaus' tears, the bed open and the house to see them suffer. Klaus was lost inside himself, and even at that moment he was lost, he was thinking that to love was also to let go, that Diego's shoulders deserved another skin to console and that maybe in life he had nothing left to do but run away from Klaus. His arms open and the surprise to find them empty, he walking far away to avoid his eyes, he bet that he would cry and look at him as if he was waiting for him to come back to share the pain with him, to share together that pain that he didn't know where it came from but didn't stop, probably would have passed, probably one day he would have woken up and he would have been gone, and that day he would have wanted Diego at his side to give his arms something more than tears, more than pain, he would have wanted to give them passion, ardor, excitement, even an orgasm, who knows? But for now he was like that and there was nothing worse than knowing that Diego was accompanying him through that space where they couldn't see anything, and therefore Klaus would have run the risk that Diego would turn his back on him and not come back, he had imagined him remaining on the couch feeling the blank space of his absence, he had imagined that he was amazed by the lack of tears, the simple non-existence of weight on his neck. He no longer knew what he had imagined, he did not know if Diego would leave him there, away from the certainty that he was there, to shout to him that he had the best man in the world and that he had decided not to have him anymore, because the best man in the world deserved the best life in the world, the best woman in the world, and Klaus instead was a defect, a deception, a failure.

Diego stroked his hair and felt Klaus grab his shirt and tighten even more, as if he was afraid he was dreaming, he was making sure Diego was really there with him. Slowly the hiccups he was holding began to come out, more and more painful and uncontrollable. 

Diego could not deny that something in him had broken with Klaus, he realized that partly what had happened was also his fault and his lack of attention, attention he had promised him. Who knows if Klaus would have ever told him what had made him so hard on himself, so masochistic and without self-esteem or any love for himself. He wanted to help him, but he didn't know how, he just had no idea. He wanted to calm him down and make him feel good, distract his mind from all the negative things lurking in him. 

Without realizing it Diego also began to cry, even if in silence. He held Klaus tighter in his arms, placing his chin on top of his head. Then he remembered the last time they had been in the same situation and started humming with his lips closed. 

Klaus trembled at the sound of Diego's warm voice. He focused on him, on the melody he was miming, his breath became regular again and it came off very little, just enough to look at Diego's face. When he saw that the tears were also on his face, he felt guilty, because that was how his brain worked, and he looked down. 

\- Hey, no, it's all right...Look at me - Diego had placed two fingers under Klaus' chin, understanding him on the fly, knowing his every move and every reaction. The green irises of the boy met the dark ones of the other one, who, once again, kissed him. And this time it didn’t feel like a goodbye kiss. No, it felt more like one of those kisses that you give when the person you love comes home, those that come after the pain, those that repair every broken bone. 

The hands began to accompany each other's bodies, with delicate and sweet movements, all made slowly to savor every inch.

Klaus was surrounded by Diego's scent, as if he was taking a bath in it. It was all around him, the sheets, the pillow and above all it was above him, in the form of Diego himself. He usually hated being the one at the bottom. Well, at least literally. He had always hit rock bottom when it came to sex, he hated not being in charge.

But with Diego it was different. Everything was different with him, but he couldn't explain why. However, he loved the feeling of Diego above him, pushing him into the mattress, making him feel wanted and loved. And it was in the moments that followed that they finally felt at home, in a safe and familiar place, in that magical bubble they had created since childhood. 

After what kills is what makes it worth living. How the fragile way like orgasm intrudes on pain: and happiness.

_ (Oh, oh) _

_ Wish I were Heather _

_ Why would you ever kiss me? _

_ I'm not even half as pretty _

_ You gave her your sweater _

_ It's just polyester _

_ But you like her better _

_ Wish I were _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A week later, I'm back again. This is a bit of a heavy chapter and please if you need help don't be like Klaus (in the chapter), speak up and search for help: never be ashamed.   
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter, love you all so much, thank you for the support xoxo


	12. Don't Speak - No Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change and who's the Heather now?

_ You and me, we used to be together _

_ Every day together, always _

Klaus had fallen asleep shortly afterwards, with his face resting on Diego's chest. The latter looked at him with a smile on his face that just wouldn't go away, and a good part of him hoped it would never go. He stopped to savor everything that had just happened, to imprint every sensation in his brain, in his heart, in case that was the last time.

Klaus underneath him, his face still streaked with tears, kissing him. And the kisses became more and more hungry and full of desire, so much so that Diego ended up biting his lower lip. His shirt had ended up on the floor in no time and then he had slid his hands down Klaus' soft legs. The other was out of breath and couldn't wait for Diego to touch him where he wanted. And when he did, a noise came out of his lips unintentionally. Music for Diego’s ears. When it was time to free Klaus from the only garment he had left, Diego smiled: finally the sweater was back on the right body, on the body to which it belonged. He kissed every inch of Klaus' pale skin, his body so fragile and delicate, and then a few moments later he was ready to enter him. And when it happened Diego had never felt anything better, he had never seen anything more beautiful than Klaus' ecstatic face. He hadn't felt so damn good for so long. He felt in the right place at the right time. Everything was perfect, just as Diego remembered. 

And now Klaus was lying on top of him, his breathing regular and calm, strangely happy. It was bad to say, but it was true, seeing Klaus in that emotional state had always been a special event, more unique than rare. Diego wanted to make him feel this way forever, he wanted to feel this way forever.

_ I really feel that I'm losin' my best friend _

_ I can't believe this could be the end _

Like the light of a firefly, a memory surfaced in his mind when he felt Klaus getting closer. The exact same thing had happened when they were kids, when they were numbers to their father, and real people with feelings only to each other. 

\- It was beautiful - Klaus had told him, holding each other like that. 

\- It was like entering with my sex into yours - Diego answered, smiling, with his heart still beating in his chest like crazy.

\- That's exactly what happened: you entered with your sex into mine - Klaus' green eyes had settled on his face, curious. 

\- Yes. And it was as if I had entered with my sex into yours - he answered again, but when he realized that he was not fully explaining himself, Diego continued. - What you do and what you feel you do are, almost always, matter of divergent concerns: they are perceived in different parts. Today I had my sex in yours and felt my sex in yours. To love is not to feel your sex in the sex of the one you love, when your sex is in the sex of the one you love. To love is to go beyond what you do: it is to do the not doing; to give body to the incorporeal. To be the material of the immaterial - Diego gestured, Klaus followed his movements, more and more curious of that Diego who gave voice to his thoughts without being ashamed to stutter from one moment to the next. God, Klaus was so proud of him.

\- I like the poem you just said - he smiled at him and caressed his face.

\- That's great. Now let's fuck, okay? - the black-haired guy laughed tastefully, followed by Klaus who shook his head doing the same.

\- I thought you'd never say it again - Klaus was so sweetly attached to him, he sat on him, kissing him again. 

_ It looks as though you're lettin' go _

_ And if it's real, well, I don't want to know _

While Diego was immersed in his thoughts and memories of Number Two and Four, he heard the front door open and snapped up, looking for his clothes. He looked at the clock that marked midnight. He put on his pants quickly, grabbing one of his knives, ready to throw himself at whoever was coming in and protect Klaus. 

\- Don't try to throw that thing at me - the familiar voice of the girl resounded from the entrance. It was Eudora. Diego's mind went to Klaus, naked, in their bed. He put the knife down and ran his hand through his hair, trying to come up with something quickly.

\- You look tired, are you all right? - she asked him, placing her bag and coat on the coffee table in the living room. Diego felt any way he could, but definitely not tired, but for a moment he pretended he was.

\- I had to make sure Klaus didn't screw up, he only fell asleep now - Diego decided not to tell the truth, also because "I had sex in our bed with my adopted brother" didn't sound good. He would have lied as long as he could and avoided hurting Eudora just like that. 

\- How is he? - Eudora felt sorry, she was in fact, she loved Klaus by now. He was fun to be around. 

\- Like shit, I've never seen him like that - Diego shook his head. That wasn't a lie, or rather, it was half a lie because Klaus was definitely better, but unfortunately Diego had seen him so much destroyed too many times.

\- I'm sorry, Diego... - the girl answered, hugging him. Usually he put his hands on her hips and held her to him, but that evening he didn't do it, on the contrary he was worried about breaking their hug too soon. Eudora was a detective, she noticed some things, but decided not to say anything.

_ Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin' _

_ So please stop explainin' _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts _

_ Don't speak, I know what you're thinkin' _

_ I don't need your reasons _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts _

From that day on, the situation was completely overturned. Now Klaus was the center of attention for Diego. The two of them spent time together as soon as possible, especially between the sheets, all behind Eudora's back. Klaus would drop by his apartment more often than before, staying only if the girl was not home. Diego always welcomed him and got lost in him every time. They spent their time watching stupid TV shows, laughing and hugging on the couch, playing some video games, with Klaus winning despite pushing random buttons, Diego prepared lunch and Klaus helped him like a good assistant, smiling at the way the other one was so attentive to Grace's recipes. Domestic life suited them perfectly, too bad they were forced to interrupt it when they heard the front door open and Eudora appeared smiling. In fact, one of the reasons for their quarrels, which they could not miss given their strong characters, was Eudora herself. Klaus wanted Diego to talk to her or sooner or later she would discover them and Hell would descend, but the other one told him that it was not so simple. In the same way Diego would ask Klaus to get clean, he would but just for two days and then when Diego found out, he would shout that he couldn't understand, that it wasn't that simple. And then Klaus would leave the house and then Diego would fish him out in the middle of the night between his missions to avoid the worst. And it was true, it was more complicated than he thought to stop, he had tried only for Diego, without really asking him for real help, probably because the ghosts were still frightening and abstinence hurt. Those were two grains of sand that never allowed them to reunite completely.

Eudora, for her part, began to despise Klaus, now convinced that he was taking advantage of her goodness and that of Diego. What she saw was Klaus, who rarely came into the house, looking for his brother and leaving shortly afterwards barely saying goodbye to her, and then she found him on the couch in the middle of the night and, strangely enough, even in her bed. When she asked Diego for explanations, he told her that it was his duty to help Klaus, he was still his brother and until the end he would get him to stop using drugs. Eudora also became jealous that Diego started paying more attention to him than to her. Embraces that had never been exchanged so frequently, strange, almost secret looks, a sweetness and understanding that Diego had never seen so often with Klaus. He had gone from perpetually angry and an asshole with him to loving and lighter. Every second of her boyfriend's free time was devoted to Klaus now. Eudora was beginning to get fed up with him. It wasn't fair. She was his girlfriend, she took precedence over her brother. 

Almost a year had passed since Klaus was back in Diego's life and Eudora had been understanding at first, believing that with a little help the boy would find his way and she and Diego would be alone again, but in the end she couldn't stand anything anymore.

There was something she still felt she couldn't grasp, but one day she managed to get the answers she needed. 

_ Our memories, well, they can be inviting _

_ But some are altogether mighty frightening _

_ As we die, both you and I _

_ With my head in my hands, I sit and cry _

She had just returned from the mall and lying on her couch was Klaus, wearing only one of Diego's stupid sweaters. He had made himself comfortable, apparently.

\- What are you doing here? How did you get in? - Eudora crossed her arms, visibly annoyed that he was there. Klaus jumped up and sat down quickly, he seemed surprised, indeed he was.

\- Diego opened the door, went to get some food, said I could wait for him here - he answered. It was the truth, the other guy had gone out to buy dinner...for two. They had stayed in bed all afternoon and had got up only twenty minutes before that moment. Klaus put his pants and shoes back on, keeping on Diego’s sweatshirt, almost jealousy. 

\- Don't you have anyone else to go to? - the girl sighed, leaving her things near the coat rack. A bomb had been set off in her, her patience had run out.

\- I’m sorry, what? - Klaus looked at her confused, not expecting her reaction. Okay, maybe he was expecting it, but not at that moment.

\- You are always in the way, out of seven brothers you always come here, from Diego. I came back earlier in hope you were out, doing God knows what, to be alone with him and instead here you are - she spread her arms, exasperated. 

\- Uhm okay, to what do I owe this hostility? It's not good for you, you get wrinkles, you're too young for that shit - the guy stood up slowly, trying to keep the situation under control, without letting his emotions overwhelm him. But his joke only served to piss her off twice as much.

\- Look, Klaus, I advise you to do something with your life because he will never have the courage to throw you out, but I do. You have to leave us alone and stop living on our shoulders, we are not a rehab center - Eudora almost screamed and her finger pointed at Klaus, whose face went off in a flash. Her words hurt so much that he couldn't even answer her. He wondered how he could tell her that the reason he was living under their roof was Diego. Not for money, not for drugs or whatever Eudora thought, only for Diego.

\- What’s going on here? - Diego's voice reached Klaus' ears as if it were a miracle. Neither of them had heard him enter. 

\- I would like to know, believe me - the curly-haired boy was the first to address him, clearly shocked. 

\- It happens that either he leaves or I leave, Diego. He's always here and I can't take it anymore. You care more about him than you do about me and he is ruining our relationship - the girl was the second to talk to Diego. She started to get really angry.

\- Are you joking, I hope? He's my brother, I'm the only person who’s there for him, and needs help - Diego put the bags with the food he took for him and Klaus on the floor. 

\- Help? Help, you say? It's been a year, you've been up night after night looking for him while he was doing drugs somewhere. He will never stop, he will never be as good as you hope - she shook her head. So they started talking as if he wasn't right there with them. As if Klaus was an object with no name or feelings.

\- Listen to her! Weren't you the one who always says you want to help people at any cost? - Diego said. Klaus started rubbing the back of his right hand, his feelings of guilt began to be felt. He didn’t want them to fight because of him.

\- He is hopeless, one day you'll find him dead and he'll break your heart - Eudora was going down pretty hard. Klaus' breath cut off, she was beginning to see him just as everyone had always seen him, including himself.

\- No one is hopeless. It is others, people like you, who make people like him believe that there is no future but death. That's exactly how you create this damn vicious circle, because it's better to ignore than to work your ass off to help, isn't it? - Diego took up the cudgels of his brother. His words surprised Klaus, a year ago Diego didn't see it that way at all, it was nice to hear him say those words.

\- My job is to help those in trouble. That thing is not really in trouble, he chooses to stay in that situation because it suits him, it's different - Eudora was a woman with clear ideas, and Klaus couldn't stop feeling the way her words got under his skin. 

\- First of all: his name is Klaus. And second: what do you know about it? Tell me if you know even one reason that led him to this - an exasperated laugh escaped from Diego’s lips. In that moment, to Klaus’ eyes, Diego was back to being that kid who used to defend him when dad or Luther were mean to him.

\- He must have wanted to try new things, you lived in luxury as kids, daddy's money and superhero fame were not enough for him - Eudora aimed at their childhood, at their father. Klaus felt his skin burn and saw Diego's eyes turn dark. It was not a secret that Reginald was a hot topic for both of them.

\- Don't bring that asshole or our past into this. We would have preferred to live in a cardboard box if it meant having the love of a father and normality - Diego was sincere and knew he could speak for Klaus too, even for all the seven siblings. 

\- Of course, your childhood is still a big secret! You know what, Diego? I don't even know who you are anymore - Eudora shook her head and her eyes pointed at Diego's. Klaus had become totally invisible, he understood where all this was going, he began to think about the consequences and felt just as Eudora had described him. 

\- Yeah, I guess that's right - Diego crossed his arms, staring back. 

\- No, hey, guys, let's talk about this in a civilized way - and that's when Klaus finally intervened. He got in between the two, as if he was separating two people in a physical fight. There was no need to break-up like that, not for him, he wasn’t worth it. 

_ Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin' _

_ So please stop explainin' _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts, no, no, no _

_ Don't speak, I know what you're thinkin' _

_ And I don't need your reasons _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts _

\- Shut up, it's none of your business - Eudora pushed him slightly to move him. Diego was ready to tell her something, but Klaus decided not to be silent any longer and suffer for the girl's words, and went ahead of him.

\- You're talking about me and my fucking dumb choices, so I guess it is my business - he got between her and Diego again. Klaus hoped not to start such a heated discussion that it would lead him to talk about his relationship with Diego. - Maybe I'm a lost cause and I'm “hopeless”, but you can't tell me that I haven't tried to get out of addiction, out of street life. I never gave up. For some time I even had a job and a roof over my head, I even forced myself to go to rehab so many times - Klaus gesticulated as he used to and Eudora followed him with a still sour look. He also felt Diego's eyes on his back, which gave him the chills. 

\- So I wonder why nothing worked, Klaus. You're just proving all my points - the girl in front of him raised her eyebrows, she almost seemed to hold back a satisfied smile. In her, Klaus was seeing any person he had met who had mocked and underestimated him. 

\- The reason is my power, the people I see, perceive and feel. Some of them are friendly, like the old man sitting in the corner, but most of them are tormented and trusted souls. You would be an addict too if you saw even one corpse - he put his hand on his arm, starting to play with the edge of his sleeve. Talking about these things made him nervous, and brought back deep traumas that nobody could get close to but Diego. As Klaus' gaze fell on the floor, Eudora and Diego's eyes pointed to the corner that the curly-haired boy had pointed to. 

\- I hope he's making fun of me - Eudora told Diego, and when she looked for confirmation, he shook his head. When they were children Number Four used to make the presence of some ghost known, often to frighten his brothers. 

The girl sighed and looked at Klaus again. 

\- Wait...You’re sober - Diego stayed staring at the empty chair by the window. He had got there late, as usual, but in the end he understood. If he could see someone, it meant he was sober. A smile appeared on his lips, he was proud of him. "If you love me as you say, then stop, stop abusing those pills, please", Diego had told him a few days earlier or maybe even a week earlier. And now he couldn't believe it, Klaus had listened to him, he really loved him. 

\- Ding ding ding, correct answer - Klaus imitated the sound of a bell, smiling at the black haired boy. He waited for him to turn around and inevitably they exchanged one of those intense looks. The boy's green eyes shone when he noticed that there was finally no disappointment in the other's eyes.

\- Oh my God - Eudora interrupted the moment. She had stopped to look at them and study them, above all she had stopped to try to understand Klaus' movements. She didn't trust him and could very well have lied, who told her that this madman was really seeing a ghost? It was not possible, unless he was high. But her concern changed when Klaus saw the way Diego smiled at him, clearly proud of him, and almost blushed. And then Eudora found her answers. 

The boys waited for the girl to say something else, confused and not understanding what the exclamation was referring to.

_ Don't speak, no _

_ I know what you're thinkin' _

_ And I don't need your reasons _

_ I know you're good, I know you're good _

_ I know you're real good, oh _

\- You...You like Diego - she laughed, mocking him, thinking he was pathetic. - But of course, now this explains a lot of things. You like to be a little slut with guys, especially mine - she continued, squaring him from head to toe. Diego felt himself die for a moment, every word died down his throat. 

\- I advise you not to talk about things you know nothing about - Klaus got defensive. It was obvious that he liked Diego, in fact, he loved him all along and what she didn't know was that he loved him back. 

\- So I'm right, aren't I? - her smile widened, as did her takeover. She had the knife in her hand now. 

\- Enough - the green-eyed boy was holding back. He could have answered her in a thousand different ways, telling her that in the last few months Diego had been his, just as he had been when they were kids. He could have disintegrated all of Eudora’s certainties in an instant, but he didn't. 

\- You come here, spend time with him and then vent your sexual frustration with someone else like you - Eudora was going for the kill, every drop of dislike she held in her heart was now unleashing. Maybe making Klaus feel humiliated would have made her feel better. Diego tried to shut her up, but it didn't work. 

\- It's not funny - Klaus answered her, feeling weaker and weaker. He felt stuck and the fact that Diego didn't say anything, that he wasn't defending him like he promised to in those morning conversations while they were in bed together. 

\- What is not funny is that you want to fuck Diego, who by the way is your brother - the girl made an almost disgusted face. Klaus wondered if she would have done the same if she had known about Luther and Allison, seven brothers and four of them fell in love like that.

\- Adoptive - he ran after her, totally in trouble. He continued to be loyal to Diego, pretending that he was the only one who felt something, the only one who had a responsibility. He waited for the other one to intervene, to tell his girlfriend what was going on behind her back.

\- Who cares! Look, I suggest you go back to suck dicks in a dark alley, it's the only thing you know how to do, besides getting high - and that was the final blow for him. He went back to feeling like he had always felt, less than zero, a cheap whore who would do anything to get money for drugs, to get over it and make his pain go away. The hope he had felt and fed had gone completely, he was useless and she was right: Klaus was hopeless. But what was destroying him was that Diego was still not saying a word, just looking at him, sorry. And it seemed to him that he agreed with Eudora, because they say that “who keeps silent consents”, don't they? So Diego should have and could have said anything, any bullshit would have been fine as long as he made him understand that he wasn't giving him up for her again. 

Diego kept quiet.

_ It's all ending _

_ We gotta stop pretending _

_ Who we are _

_ You and me _

_ I can see us dyin' _

_ Aren't we? _

\- You're a fucking asshole, I trusted you - he threw the first object he could reach, which to his personal displeasure was a pillow. And in a second, he was out. Klaus ran away, with tears in his eyes and a knot in his throat. He slammed the door behind him and did not stop. This time he left without any intention of coming back. He could no longer afford to be treated like a rag even by Diego. He was nobody's spare carpet. He was pissed off and disappointed more than sad. 

_ Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin' _

_ So please stop explainin' _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts _

_ No, no, don't speak, I know what you're thinkin' _

_ And I don't need your reasons _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts _

He had started to think that Diego was an idiot of the worst kind. He would have wanted to tell him to stop hiding. He would have wanted to tell him to stop hiding in the Latin macho, the macho who is not programmed to feel and who must be unassailable, always solid. Solid my ass. Stones are solid. Blocks of ice are solid - and even they, when they get hot, melt completely. He would have wanted to tell him to stop wanting to be a brute just because Dad had made him believe he had to be a brute. Brute are victims of brutality - and in turn they impose it. No one misses brutes. The whole world does not miss brutes. If you feel something, go. If you want to, try. If you wish, invent. If a book makes you cry: cry. He would have wanted to tell Diego to cry because he was a person, because he possessed much more than a body. If a hug moved him, let him let himself be carried away by that emotion, let himself be infected and infect in turn, all the way down to the bone, all the way to the beginning of the veins. If he was a man he had to feel - where was the difficulty in understanding this?

Feels nothing only who is not even people. He would have wanted to tell Diego to forget prejudices. To forget the phrases that Dad had inculcated him as if they were universal laws. To hell society if he had to give up what he wanted because of it. Between his health and that of society he should not have hesitated in that way: he should have chosen his own, society would have adapted. Society always adapts itself. This is the history of humanity, nothing else: people choose what is good for them, their own happiness - and society, diligent, goes after them. No one should chase society; it should be left to come after you. If you want it to. Otherwise you should leave it alone and follow your own life. To follow one's own life: here is the secret, here is the formula. Follow your own life. Four words, four simple words, in which everything is contained. Follow your life. Always follow your life.

That was important. That, above all, should have mattered to Diego. His life and the life of all the elect who were part of it, he should have taken care of it. Focus on what was important. Save his strength for what was important. The rest was shit.

All this for Klaus' burning desire to tell Diego that he was an idiot of the worst kind. A boor. A piece of donkey. Why?

Because Diego wouldn't deserve a single piece of his love. But he already owned it all.

_ Don't, don't, ooh _

_ Hush, hush, darling _

_ Hush, hush, darling _

_ Hush, hush _

_ Don't tell me 'cause it hurts _

_ Hush, hush, darling _

_ Hush, hush, darling _

_ Hush, hush _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm back, sorry for not posting in a long time, I promise I'll try to be quicker or at least I hope so.   
> Hope you like the story so far and this chapter, enjoy. Love you all xoxo


	13. Le Luci di Roma/Vietato Morire - Ermal Meta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!!Trigger Warning: depiction of violence, drug abuse, sexual abuse.
> 
> Diego is hurt, Klaus' too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!Trigger Warning: depiction of violence, drug abuse, sexual abuse.
> 
> For everyone who's curious, here's the links to the english translation of these songs:  
> https://lyricstranslate.com/it/le-luci-di-roma-lights-rome.html   
> https://lyricstranslate.com/it/vietato-morire-forbidden-die.html

_ Lasciami le stelle  _

_ Almeno so con chi parlare  _

_ A chi rivolgermi stanotte  _

_ Perché tu non puoi restare  _

**\- I would love to love you like the first day, to discover your caresses as you discover God, to feel your lips telling me about life -. Diego turned when he heard the familiar voice. In the endless vastness of a bed there are two intimidated bodies in search of a master.**

**\- We found ourselves here like two customers in a cafeteria: each one next to the other and each one miles away from the other -. They had stretched out to exchange words and both knew they were coming to an end.**

**\- At the beginning the space between us was full of words: you told what you felt, what you did; I told what I felt, what I did. And then came love with the same naturalness with which now comes sleep. At what moment was love replaced by sleep? -.**

**The end demands silence, nothing to say when there is nothing to hear. But Diego felt, and yet he could not speak, just like the day he had left.**

**\- The worst thing about love is the memory of love: to know that it was so great, to know that it was so intense, to know that it shook all the foundations and that now not even simple sex can revitalize. The worst thing about love is the moment when, even though it is not finished, it is exhausted -. Diego embraces him, an absurd attempt to continue as if nothing had happened, a silent cry to tell him to stay.**

**\- Once all it took was a hug. Once we would hug each other and everything else was lost in the forbidden asphyxiation that united us. Once we were the same size as our embrace -. He lets himself be, simulates his embrace and lets himself fall asleep from defeat.**

**\- I wish that in me there was still the perfect feeling of needing you. I would like my body to be completely tense again while waiting for yours. I would like to meet you as if it were the first time, I would like to know you in one piece without stopping every time to discover you in one piece. I would like to feel alive to feel you live -.**

**Diego gives up. He feels that he is the only one who tries and resigns himself. He turns to the other side and dedicates himself to crying. He turns to the other side and dedicates himself to memory.**

**\- To take care of a love is never to let it fall asleep, never to let it feel comfortable. A comfortable love lets itself go, lets itself be carried away. A comfortable love just wants to stay there, in its little corner, in its territory of infallibility. But only what is fallible is alive. When did we prefer security and forget that we had everything to lose? -.**

**\- I love you but I have to wake up - he had the courage to say shortly afterwards.**

**\- I love you...Stay, Klaus - was finally able to answer Diego, desperate. And his eyes closed, one by one. And that's how, without knowing it, they were of each other for the last time.**

_ Volevo darti un aereo di carta  _

_ Da lanciare nell'aria  _

_ Ho scritto lì tutti i miei sogni per vederli andare via _

When he opened his eyes again, he realized he had snapped up, still whispering his name. Next to him was Eudora, not Klaus. And he also realized that it was a dream, no, a nightmare. He had tried, during his life, to do everything not to make mistakes. And now he knew that this had been his biggest, only mistake.

_ Ti ho chiamata a bassa voce ma tu non mi rispondi  _

_ Fra tutti i cuori in giro dimmi in quale ti nascondi _

It had been a week, almost two, since Diego had allowed that mess to happen. He had let Eudora say all those bad things to Klaus, to humiliate him, because he was afraid. Fear of what then? Of finally being able to love him completely? Of letting go to that one love that had managed to fill his bones? He was an idiot, that's what the truth was, and his guilt was so deep that it reached his unconscious, that it made him relive his damn mistake every night in his dreams. Yes, Diego did nothing but dream about Klaus, seeing him go away, again and again, and he could beg him to stay only when it was too late. Then he would wake up in the middle of the night, next to that woman he didn't even recognize anymore. 

"Finally. You will see that he will never come back" Eudora had said after a few minutes of silence. Diego motionless, incredulous, in a thousand pieces. He did not answer even at that moment. He didn't even look at her before taking refuge in the bathroom. He had started crying, the first ones were silent tears and then hiccups began to run away and the more he tried to hold back, the more he couldn't and the pain extended from his chest all over his body. 

The first time Klaus had gone out of his life Diego was lost and he knew it would happen again this time. In fact, no, he knew he would dissolve, away in the wind like dust and not because it was the second time he lost the person he loved more than himself, but because he had kicked him out personally. That was exactly what had happened. Diego and his cursed not saying shit had pushed Klaus not only out of his apartment, but out of his life as well. This time everything was different, it was his fault and Grace wasn't there to hug him and tell him Klaus was coming back, there was no Luther and Allison trying to make him feel better, there was no Vanya holding his hand even though he told her he wasn't a child. And there was no note, there was no handwritten letter that he could keep and hold as if it were gold. 

"You are a fucking asshole, I trusted you", his eyes full of tears, a pillow hitting Diego and finally the door slamming behind him. That was his ticket. And Diego felt like screaming and crying only at the memory, so fresh and clear in his mind.

_ Io mi ricorderò di te  _

_ Tra le luci di Roma, ogni abbraccio per strada  _

_ Mi riporterà da te  _

_ Perché in fondo sai stavamo bene  _

And so, as after every nightmare, Diego went into the living room, sat on the sofa and waited for him. 

He waited for him like a child waiting for Santa Claus to put his gifts under the tree. And a memory of them as children appeared. Reginald was like the Grinch, for him Christmas did not exist, but fortunately there were Pogo and Grace. The two of them had insisted that the children could live a few days of celebration and he had given in. Diego still remembered how much joy he had felt when Mom said that Santa Claus would bring presents. The children had decorated the tree all together, hanging shiny decorations here and there, helping and chasing each other occasionally. After dinner, Klaus quietly called the siblings one by one to go see Santa "coming down the chimney". Quietly they sat down on the couch and as small as they were they all went in. Five and Ben had put a glass of milk and cookies on the table. Needless to say, they all fell asleep, only to wake up seeing the presents under the tree. Their first real Christmas. But the one Diego liked to remember was the one where Klaus, in an attempt to cheer Diego up, had dragged him downstairs to the big illuminated tree. They had laid down under the branches, warm lights illuminated their faces, their soft boyish features. He couldn't remember how long they had stood there looking at each other and leaving little kisses.

He waited for him like a good dog waiting for his owner to come home from work. And there he was, another memory. Diego was sitting quietly in the garden, enjoying the sun that warmed his skin. He had heard laughter, Ben had run to him and still with tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his lips had told him that he absolutely had to see something. Vanya, Allison and Luther were just outside the back gate, they were laughing too. Diego made room for himself and couldn't help but join in their cheerfulness. Klaus had a puppy in his arms and, with a stupid voice, he was talking bullshit to entertain his audience. It seemed that the dog also wanted to laugh. It had been a horrible day for everyone, and Klaus had wiped out those long faces by simply being himself. 

He was waiting for him like the princess in that famous fairy tale was waiting for her prince. Even here, he could not miss another memory. That day they had quarrelled, Klaus refused to talk to him and went to Allison's room to be with his sisters. Throughout the afternoon, one of the very few they were free, Diego had not seen him even by accident. At the end of the day, when Diego was getting ready to go to sleep, Klaus slipped into his room and his heart stopped. The other one was wearing a dress (definitely Allison's) and saw that their sisters had fun getting his makeup done. The touch of class was the flower among the soft curls. He looked like a princess. Diego told Klaus how beautiful he was, and he really was. Klaus remained impassive for a second and then hugged him, and he couldn't stay angry anymore. 

He wished for nothing more than to be so close to him again. Diego would look out the window, then occasionally open the door, in case he, after arguing with himself several times, sat on the steps, too stubborn and proud to knock. But he wasn't there, he was never there. And Diego's heart would break every time. 

He would come back, he knew it, he just had to wait for him and when he did, Diego would be there, ready to welcome him back. He would not make any more mistakes.

_ Dimmi perché  _

_ Il rumore più forte ha lo stesso silenzio  _

_ Che sento di noi  _

_ Intanto chiude anche l'ultimo bar _

\- Diego...Come back to bed, come on - Eudora called his attention. She was standing at the point where the corridor joined the living room. It was not the first time she heard the boy leave their room to stay on the couch, three mornings in a row she had even found him asleep there. 

\- I'm okay here, don’t worry - he answered, still full of thoughts. That night was definitely the most difficult he was going through. Diego was missing Klaus so much, too much.

\- What's wrong? Talk to me - the girl went to sit by his side and when she tried to put her hand on his shoulder he moved away.

\- You know what's wrong, don't play dumb - Diego shook his head and felt as if a train was about to run him over. Unwillingly and unintentionally his eyes became full of tears.

\- Come on, Diego, really? - Eudora raised her eyebrows. Diego could not say whether her tone was more surprised or annoyed.

\- Please, leave me alone - he sighed. It was the only thing he was asking for, he knew that at that moment he would not be able to refrain from saying bad things he didn't think. He had already treated her enough shit by cheating on her, lying to her and spending the week avoiding her. Despite everything, she didn't deserve it.

\- You've been like this all week, I've given you your space, but that's enough now: you have to move on - she got up determined, tired of the boy's behavior. 

\- I can't - Diego ran a hand through his hair, his voice came out broken. He was feeling so hurt that he couldn't even control himself and act tough as usual. 

\- Why? Even now that he is finally out of the way, he is still your priority! Tell me, Diego, why is he so damn important? - Eudora had to call his attention several times to get an answer. Diego didn't want to know about it, he just wanted to be alone, without her, who was reminding him of the heavy void that Klaus had left. But she called him again, aloud, desperate and searching for an answer.

\- Because I love him! - he screamed. Those words burst into the air like a bomb, causing a deafening silence to fall. Diego was standing in front of her, short of breath and his cheeks ridged with tears. To confess aloud what he felt was scary. What he felt for Klaus was too important to share. Maybe because he was only interested in the precarious balance, the feeling that there is an abyss to climb, or maybe because if something did not make him tremble he would not even touch it.

But the truth was that what he felt for Klaus was too important to share.

Eudora stayed to study his face and every moment that passed she realized that she had lost Diego and his love a long time ago, or perhaps she had never had him entirely.

_ Volevo dirti che ho sognato  _

_ Di avere molto più tempo  _

_ Per capire fino in fondo  _

_ La parola accanto  _

_ Ti ho cercata in ogni volto  _

_ In questo mi confondi  _

_ Fra tutti i cuori in giro dimmi in quale ti nascondi _

It was going to be a long night. An interminable sequence of memories, an interminable sequence of doubts. Probably one day she would understand what she did not yet understand: that he would never stop being like that. He would continue to be like that. Only this way. A human being who needs to explode. A human who is constantly on a collision course ("on a lonely course") with himself - and who, in order to survive, collides with the one he loves. A selfish one. A petty and tenebrous egoist, capable of sacrificing the one he loves to avoid the final sacrifice. One day she would understand. One day she would have given up.

But not today.

\- So this is it - finally Eudora said something. Diego nodded and looked down. It was the very first time she saw him like that, like a helpless and vulnerable little lamb. She didn't know what to say, how to react. What exactly could she say? She loved without being loved and it was simply horrible. Yet she knew that it would have ended at any moment, it would have happened even if Diego wasn't feeling the way he felt about Klaus. She understood how important that boy was to him and, knowing him, Diego would never forgive her for the scene that made him run away. 

In her mind, now that she knew, she connected many small pieces that she had never been able to put into the puzzle before. Diego who had stopped kissing her, touching her, making his stupid little flirting jokes. Klaus who jumped when she entered the house and then never stayed, going out quickly with his head down. Their looks, their hugs, that strange sweetness. That day she had seen them laughing happily in the kitchen while they were baking cookies and then they had stopped to smile. Every time she came into the room she interrupted something and she never noticed it, or maybe she didn't want to notice it. Still, she didn't know how to react. 

She had been betrayed by someone who, once again, had never loved her. 

_ Io mi ricorderò di te  _

_ Tra le luci di Roma, ogni abbraccio per strada  _

_ Mi riporterà da te  _

_ Perché in fondo sai stavamo bene  _

_ Dimmi perché  _

_ Il rumore più forte ha lo stesso silenzio  _

_ Che sento di noi  _

_ E intanto chiude anche l'ultimo bar _

\- How long...? I mean, how long has it been going on? - Eudora asked. She was not sure she wanted to know the answer.

\- We were kids when it started... I don't think I ever really stopped - Diego was shaking. She would have judged him, she knew it. No one could ever understand or know how strong that love was. When they came back late with scratches, when they laughed like mad, when they ran like crazy to get home before anyone noticed their absence, the way their eyes mingled and turned yellow. They would never know about the things they had done together, the "I love you" whispered under the covers. They would never have known about all those sleepless nights, about the way they had waited and would have waited for each other for a lifetime. 

Diego and Klaus had found a love that felt so right.

\- So this is how it ends - the girl nodded. She told a truth that she knew would come. 

\- I'm sorry - he answered, giving her a confirmation, the only one he could ever give her. 

\- It doesn't matter - Eudora shrugged her shoulders, it was inevitable that her eyes were also ready to cry.

\- I still care about you - Diego's broken voice told her many things. That moment was hurting both of them, Eudora a little more deeply.

\- I know - she bit her lower lip and then without adding anything else she went back to her room. Eudora made herself small in that bed that seemed too empty without him.

Diego abandoned himself on the couch, took his head in his hands and let his emotions come out. He had lost both at once. The only two people who had given him unconditional affection were gone. Losing Eudora, he lost a great friend. Losing Klaus... Well, he had lost all of himself.

_ Io mi ricorderò di te  _

_ Tra le luci dell'alba di ogni abbraccio per strada  _

_ Mi ricorderò di te  _

_ Perché in fondo sai stavamo bene  _

_ Ma dimmi se c'è  _

_ Una buona ragione per correre ancora  _

_ Senza di te  _

_ E intanto chiude anche l'ultimo bar  _

_ Intanto chiude anche l'ultimo bar _

Diego had tried, during his life, to do everything not to make mistakes. And now he was really sure that this was his biggest, only mistake.

_ Ricordo quegli occhi pieni di vita _

_ E il tuo sorriso ferito dai pugni in faccia  _

_ Ricordo la notte con poche luci _

_ Ma almeno là fuori non c'erano i lupi _

Klaus was sure to be dead. That had been the worst week of his life. 

He had run as far away as possible, remembering when he had done it the first time. The difference was that physical pain had a different nature. The soul was so wounded that it hurt him to the bone. It was nothing like bruises, cuts and broken bones, no. It was worse.

_ Ricordo il primo giorno di scuola _

_ 29 bambini e la maestra Margherita _

_ Tutti mi chiedevano in coro  _

_ Come mai avessi un occhio nero _

And what better remedy for him than drugs? Klaus went looking for a dealer, any drug dealer, and when he found him he paid him with the only money he had left. It was an idiotic decision, one of those that ruin your life. When that dose ran out, Klaus was left without money and no money meant no drugs and no drugs meant facing his feelings and ghosts. And so another of his desperate decisions came into play. He started staying out a few bars, offering his lips to some pig in exchange for money. In his mind, every time, all he did was repeat Eudora's words "you like to be a slut", "I suggest you go back to suck dicks in a dark alley, it's the only thing you know how to do besides getting high". Klaus tortured himself every day, without being able to stop: she was right. 

He started again like that, getting worse and worse. As soon as he woke up he wanted to be so stoned, so fucking high, that he couldn't even see Ben, who was always there. And he did, every day. 

_ La tua collana con la pietra magica _

_ Io la stringevo per portarti via di là  _

_ E la paura frantumava i pensieri _

_ Che alle ossa ci pensavano gli altri _

They told him that no love serves to destroy.

That was the difference between loving too much and loving completely, between wanting it forever and rejecting it once and for all. He had believed that love was that: that necessity, that insane need for him, that inability to go beyond what he had been, beyond what he was, beyond what he could not stop being. 

In Klaus there was destruction. Little by little, day by day, he was canceling himself, devouring, cannibalizing without mercy. And there was no meat for so much hunger. And there was no fear for so much pain. He had built, in himself, in what he was, a weapon of mass destruction: a passive and active weapon of destruction.

He had been told that all love serves to build.

He had stopped seeing him a week ago and his soul was still searching for Diego. He still gave in, from time to time, to the temptation to know how he was, to the weakness of going to see him, to his words that guaranteed him that this time it would be different, that he would not come back to make war. Diego still lived in him, he still lived - not a day went by without seeing him in his eyes - along with all his merits and all his faults. 

Love makes the one who loves bigger than it would be if he wasn't there - and Klaus had done nothing but shrink in every moment that passed. Love forces us to be better than we are - and he was only getting worse, every time more evil, every time more selfish, every time more distraught. Love can only be explained through the good that works in us - and he had only managed to be incomprehensible because everything he did was wrong. 

_ E la fatica che hai dovuto fare _

_ Da un libro di odio ad insegnarmi l'amore _

_ Hai smesso di sognare per farmi sognare _

_ Le tue parole sono adesso una canzone _

Without Diego that could not be love. And that day, no matter how much he thought of him, Klaus was no longer able to think of them, once again of them, painfully of them. And love is the operation in which one plus one is equal to everything - and Klaus and Diego had been able to be equal to nothing: to undo themselves in nothing. But maybe they could have gone back to being everything, if only Klaus had said enough of the stuff that was killing him. Maybe if Klaus had finally reacted and taken the bull by the horns, he could have been free to love Diego again, to just come back.

_ Cambia le tue stelle, se ci provi riuscirai  _

_ E ricorda che l'amore non colpisce in faccia mai _

_ Figlio mio ricorda _

_ L'uomo che tu diventerai  _

_ Non sarà mai più grande dell'amore che dai _

There was a rehabilitation center almost in the center of the city, one of those that could really help everyone with an addiction problem. And so Klaus squeezed himself into his stolen coat and headed to that place, determined to get out of it completely new, to live a good life. 

\- I'm proud of you, Klaus... And I'm sure Diego would be too - Ben smiled at him and for a moment tried to take his hand, forgetting that he was a ghost and couldn't touch him. 

\- I love you, Ben - Klaus answered him, smiling back, feeling his brother's words close to his heart. The two of them exchanged a few more lines and then went back to walking in silence, under the dim lights of the street lamps. 

Shortly after passing a bar, Klaus heard heavy footsteps behind him. Ben told him not to turn around and keep walking. And he did so, clutching himself even more within himself, increasing the speed of his steps.

_ Non ho dimenticato l'istante  _

_ In cui mi sono fatto grande _

_ Per difenderti da quelle mani _

_ Anche se portavo i pantaloncini  _

\- Hey, beauty! Would you like to take a ride on my carousel? - one of them raised his voice and laughed, the other whistled at him, as if he were a dog to call back. Slowly, as he tried to ignore them and flee, fear grew in him. It was not the first time it happened to him, he had already been targeted by such people, stupid perverts who could not control themselves, but Klaus felt that they were dangerous. Other obscene comments filled the air until they reached his ears. So obscene as to give even Ben the shivers, that kept telling him to run away as fast as he could. And then, at the umpteenth too dirty and threatening sentence he started to run. He was used to doing it by now, often it was because he had to get away from police patrols or because some guys wanted to beat him up for having done a small theft. His long legs did their job, but those two behind him didn't give in. When it seemed to him that they were too tired to continue, Klaus slipped into a small street that he thought would lead to one of the main roads, where he could ask for help, but it turned out to be a damn closed alley. The wall was too high to be climbed, the street was narrow and dark, almost uninhabited, "perfect to die" he thought. Ben tried to do something, to show himself or chase these guys away, he didn't know either. Hell, Klaus was so close to giving himself a good life, why did everything have to go to shit?

_ La tua collana con la pietra magica _

_ Io la stringevo per portarti via di là  _

_ Ma la magia era finita _

_ Restava solo da prendere a morsi la vita _

Klaus stopped, decided that he would face them. They weren't the first ones who wanted to beat him up for fun, and training in combat as a child should have been good for something. It was the first time he wanted to live. 

Too bad those monsters didn't want to use him as a punching bag. When they got close, Klaus tried to hit one of them in the face, but the latter grabbed his wrist and blocked him. He held him tight, so tight that it hurt so much, and panic ensued. He was slammed with his face on the wall, crushed between the cold material and two slimy bodies. Klaus screamed for help, then closed his eyes, hoping that it was a nightmare, hoping to wake up as soon as possible. Then it happened, a stabbing pain took his breath away and he felt himself die. Ben shouted a resounding "No" and began to try desperately to free his brother, without success. He was watching him suffer a sexual assault and was unable to save him. 

_ Cambia le tue stelle, se ci provi riuscirai  _

_ E ricorda che l'amore non colpisce in faccia mai _

_ Figlio mio ricorda _

_ L'uomo che tu diventerai  _

_ Non sarà mai più grande dell'amore che dai _

Klaus lost all knowledge, blood was pumping in his ears so loudly from fear and disgust. They took turns with him, his body, for who knows how long. They used him as if he were an object and then they dropped him on the ground, still half naked, without strength. He was sobbing, he couldn't stop sinking into an abyss that seemed to have no bottom. Not entirely happy, one of the two men kicked him in the stomach, and then again for two more times. The boy stayed there, he started crying and decided to abandon all good ideas, he decided to let himself sink and drown where he was, because clearly the world did not want him.

_ Lo sai che una ferita si chiude e dentro non si vede _

_ Che cosa ti aspettavi da grande, non è tardi per ricominciare _

_ E scegli una strada diversa e ricorda che l'amore non è violenza _

_ Ricorda di disobbedire e ricorda che è vietato morire, vietato morire _

That night, that fateful night, Diego had decided to go out and look for Klaus. After the discussion with Eudora he had managed to stay in the house for only ten minutes, then he got up and went to look for someone who really needed him. He had to tell him that he loved him, at all costs. 

_ Cambia le tue stelle, se ci provi riuscirai  _

_ E ricorda che l'amore non ti spara in faccia mai _

_ Figlio mio ricorda bene che _

_ La vita che avrai _

_ Non sarà mai distante dell'amore che dai _

_ Ricorda di disobbedire  _

_ Perché è vietato morire _

_ Ricorda di disobbedire  _

_ Perché è vietato morire _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and like the story so far! Love you all xoxo


	14. Rescue Me - One Republic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus needs Diego, instead, he encounters somebody else.

_ Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? _

_ Would you take my call when I start to crack? _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? _

Ben sat next to Klaus, wishing he could touch him, just to make him really feel that he was there. He had stopped crying, but Ben could see the way the wheels in his brain were moving so fast. Every now and then he would squeeze his eyes and shake his head, trying to drive away the images that were repeating themselves. The sense of helplessness that Ben was feeling was immense. The discomfort of not being able to do anything about it, the awareness of being only spirit, no body and being forced to watch him suffer. 

Then Klaus got up and started to walk. He was still shaking, walking hurt. Because of the kicks he had received in the belly, his breath was short and tired. He left the alley behind him and did not look back, simply wishing to forget everything, to erase the last hours. He chose to stay on the main streets of the city, where some bars were still open and even restaurants. There were a lot of kids his age crowding those bars, whose evening was probably just beginning. This is how he wanted to be. A normal person, with normal parents, a normal life. He stopped to look at a group of friends sitting on a bench. They were laughing carefree and didn't seem to be worried that it was two o'clock in the morning and probably should have been home by now. It was almost like that when Reginald left for work and they could breathe at home. Between all seven of them there was an unusual light-heartedness and there was no lack of fun. Klaus believed that they had all been selfish, and that's why they had split up, let themselves be broken by their father, his beliefs and psychological pressures. Yet he missed them all. He missed Luther, even though he was often a big asshole to him. He missed Allison, even if at some point she stopped loving him. He missed Five and Ben, whose absence had marked the end of many things. He missed sweet Vanya, who had done nothing but try to unite them. He missed Diego, but that was nothing new. 

_ Would you rescue me when I'm by myself? _

_ When I need your love, if I need your help _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? _

\- Klaus - a hand rested on his shoulder. The boy turned around with tears in his eyes, awakened by his stream of consciousness. He realized that the physical contact had given him an electric shock, making his heart jump in his throat. The voice sounded familiar and he couldn't believe how, literally, familiar it was. 

\- Vanya - he whispered, carrying his hands on his lips. A hug followed, Klaus stiffened even though he really wanted to feel his sister’s hug and all the love that was in it. His skin burned as if he was a vampire under the sun, but he said nothing because emotionally with Vanya he knew he was safe. Klaus didn't expect his sister to hold him like that, and it was comforting to know that she had missed him. He began to cry, letting out all of his bad feelings, but never succeeding in sending them away. 

\- Hey, are you okay? - the girl broke the embrace to look at him, holding one hand on his side and carrying the other on his face. The answer was clear as his appearance was as destroyed as the inside. In fact Klaus, after pulling away from her touch as if a knife just hit his chest, shook his head. 

\- Everything’s fine, don’t panic. Come, let's go to my house - Vanya, despite being shorter than him, tried to support him as much as possible. Klaus wouldn't stop shaking. She wondered what had happened to him. His face was scratched, she had noticed some purple bruises coming out from under his very short shirt. Vanya hadn't seen him for years, and had never understood what had happened to him. She wondered if Diego knew about him, if they had ever seen each other, if he had ever found him.

_ We don't talk much, not anymore _

_ Broken bottles and slammin' doors _

_ But we still care about each other _

_ Say we care about each other _

Once in her apartment, the girl sat Klaus down on the couch and disappeared for a moment to bring him a glass of water. He seemed to have calmed down. Without asking him, she put a blanket around his shoulders, taking the opportunity to hold him again. This time Klaus let himself go, closing his eyes, too tired to face any other feeling. Vanya stroked his hair gently. Both were pervaded by a sense of family. Vanya and Klaus were closer than everyone might have thought. Sometimes they loved to sit in front of the fireplace together to chat and she would start playing with his curls and he would let her. It had always been an almost insignificant event but at that moment it took on a crazy importance.

_ I know life took us far away _

_ But I still dream 'bout the good old days _

_ When we took care of each other _

_ We were livin' for each other _

Peace is calm and restless in the same way. At that moment the world seemed to have stopped to watch them breathe. As if it was plotting something - that's how war comes, Vanya thought. No one can stand absolute quiet. Absolute stillness is the promise of danger. Nothing is immutable - especially life: our perception of life.

What made her happy yesterday, makes her sad today. Inconsistency is, along with error, the essence of humanity. We are human because we change: because we are capable of change. We all have the faculty and the need to change, to find new places in the intimacy of time. It is not the donkeys who do not change; it is the dead.

Vanya was finally a happy woman and this frightened her. Happiness frightened her, knowing that she didn't lack anything frightened her, knowing that everything was all right frightened her. What causes unhappiness most is her absence - and the certainty that one day it will come. Unhappiness invariably comes. The same goes for happiness.

Optimism is not seeing the glass half full; it is constantly filling the glass.

The most painful and fascinating thing is that the glass is never always full and never empty. Something is always missing and something is always there. She wanted to be engaged to the woman of her life and she was. It seemed like a life that was engaged to her. Much had already been lost between them. They didn't want each other as much as before - but they still wanted each other as much. They didn't look for each other as they used to - but they still looked for each other a lot. They didn't kiss as much - but they still kissed a lot.

Love is only what it continues to be.

And then many things before they didn't have it, but now they do. They had joined together to fight and they were winning. They couldn't say that it didn't cost anything. It costed tons. But they were holding out. They kept on holding on. And they loved each other more when they had to hold on. Together.

Love is only what remains of the difficulties.

There was more left than they had in the beginning. There was a mature but unfinished love left. There was a solid but never boring balance left. Finally, the surprise remained for what they were managing to carry on with. A few days earlier they had made love all night long and all night long they had been happy. They had gone to a hotel and discovered themselves again. It's so nice to make love with someone you love.

Vanya was a woman who was not afraid of words but even less afraid of facts. And this made her think of her brother, resting with his head on her legs, helpless.

She had never let herself go. She didn't know what it really meant, but she could see it in Klaus. Letting go seemed to mean giving up, floating in the middle of the sea waiting for the waves to do the rest. She liked peace but had never given up. She liked someone to protect her and she liked to protect her. She liked to be fragile and strong. On the same day, at the same time, at the same instant. At least she tried. She never stopped trying. 

_ But I start to wonder, wonder _

_ If I'm slipping under, under _

_ Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? _

_ Would you take my call when I start to crack? _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? _

_ Would you rescue me when I'm by myself? _

_ When I need your love, if I need your help _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? _

She was both a heroine and a victim. But at that moment she was definitely more of a heroine. Klaus had always been a poor wretch since he was a child, but he never let himself be pushed around. Something must have changed, something must have broken him at such a deep level that it changed him. The saddest thing for her was that Klaus had always endured. He had spent his life enduring and it was because of that, only because of that, that he was unfortunate. Being a wretch was not only something that came from the outside, but also from the inside. And it was addictive. To endure was a drug. A comfort always at hand. And she understood it, she understood it and didn't judge him because it was easy, cheap, it was like hitting the jackpot. But it prevented him from trying because he now thought that trying was useless. It prevented him from swimming because he was sure he would drown. To endure is simple, it seduces you. But it annihilates you. To endure, annihilates who you are. It makes you irreparably succubus. 

Sometimes the world is a bastard, sometimes life is a bitch. It takes people away from us, it takes things away, it takes dreams away. Sometimes it takes away everything, or what we thought was everything. But living is putting up with all the bastards and all the bitches that life has to offer. No matter how many tears she cried there was always one that made her get up.

Her secret was to wait for the tear that made her react. And then of course react. She would have wanted to teach Klaus to do the same, she would have wanted it to be so simple, but from his face she read that he was tired of reacting, that he had already done it too many times and now he had no strength.

_ Yeah, I miss all the times we had _

_ Can't forget what you can't get back _

_ And you can't find it in another _

_ Man, time, it ain't your lover _

Klaus was thinking about how much going on every day had been painful. At the beginning of that day he also thought that it couldn't get any worse, that the pain had reached its highest peak. Clearly he had been a fool to think that. 

He felt he was still stuck there. It was as if the sexual violence was happening again. He felt their dirty hands on him and his skin on fire. He was having quite real flashbacks and it was hard for him to connect with reality. For a few moments it seemed to him that the abusers were physically present. He was out of breath.

His heart, his soul, had split into a thousand pieces. 

And when the heart breaks, it does so in absolute silence. Given its importance, one would think it would make one of the loudest noises in the world, or even produce a sort of ceremonial sound, like the echo of a harpsichord or the tolling of a bell. 

Instead, it is silent, and one comes to desire a sound that distracts from the pain. 

If there is noise, it is internal. A scream that no one but you can hear. A roar so loud that your ears ring and your head hurts. It waves in your chest like a great white shark trapped in the sea; it roars like the mother bear from which her puppy has been kidnapped. 

This is what it looks like and what noise it makes.

It's a huge trapped beast that stirs, panicking; and screams like a prisoner in front of its own feelings. It is wild, inflamed like an open wound exposed to the salty water of the sea, but when it breaks a heart makes no noise. Klaus found himself screaming inside and no one would be able to hear him. 

Before falling asleep, while Vanya continued to cuddle him like a mother does with her son, Klaus found himself thinking that it seemed like yesterday that he was young and cradled all the dreams of the world; today he was an almost-adult and all he had achieved were almost-dreams. He had been happy. Of course he had been happy. He had been able to hug, kiss, love. But it had lasted a moment. Living always lasts a moment. But there had been days when living had lasted too long. Days when it was urgent to stop living. Time out. Stand-by. 

Being that one of those days, the worst of them all, he closed his eyes: time out. Stand-by. 

_ I don't care what you thought before _

_ I'll be there anytime you call _

_ Don't you ever call another _

_ No need to call another _

Klaus fell asleep and Vanya, once she got up carefully, covered him better with the blanket, leaving him on the sofa. She wavered for a moment. She didn't really know how to help her brother, she knew little about him, who he was deep inside and what was going through his head. But there was one person who could help him and understand him. Perhaps Klaus would not have appreciated what he was about to do. 

But Vanya picked up the phone and dialed the number.

_ And I start to wonder, wonder _

_ If I'm slipping under, under _

_ Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? _

_ Would you take my call when I start to crack? _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? (Would you rescue me?) _

_ Would you rescue me while I'm by myself? _

_ When I need your love, if I need your help _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? Yeah _

_ Would you rescue me? _

Diego had been looking for him for over an hour. He had gone to every place he knew and that even Klaus used to frequent. The streets of the poor part of the city, the club next to his gym and Agnes' diner. Up and down the city without success, no one had seen him or known if he was going anywhere. 

He was definitely much more worried than before, it was impossible that he had suddenly disappeared into thin air. He was afraid that he was in danger, that something bad had happened to him and it wasn't something he just thought, but he perceived it as if he was a psychic. When the phone vibrated in his pocket and Diego answered immediately, without even seeing who he was.

\- Hello? - he answered.

\- Hey, Diego...It's Vanya - said the girl on the other side of the call.

\- Hi, Vanya - he cleared his voice, surprised that his sister was calling him. Diego had promised Vanya to stay in touch with her, to call her often just to talk a little bit. And he had done so, but only for a few months after he left, then the calls became increasingly rare and he was not one who liked to stay on the phone all day. 

\- I'm sorry to call you in the middle of the night but...Listen, can you come to my apartment? - Vanya asked him, while her eyes were fixed on Klaus. She didn't know if Diego would be willing to help her if she told the truth, so she decided to have him come to her, or at least convince him.

\- I'm a bit busy, is it really urgent? - Diego kept walking, his eyes studying his surroundings, trying to spot Klaus. He was already feeling sorry to say no to his sister, but Klaus was his priority right now. Diego had put him in second place too many times.

\- Please Diego, I don't know who else to call - she sighed, now praying to him.

\- What happened? You can tell me, you know that right? - Diego wanted to help her, but he couldn't if she didn't tell her what was wrong. A pause followed.

\- ...It's Klaus, don't get mad - Vanya revealed to him, expecting him to get upset, and very angry.

\- I'm sorry, did I hear right? Klaus? - he answered, stopping suddenly. If he was with Vanya, it meant he was safe.

\- Yeah, he's on my couch. You have to come here, I'm begging you - the girl said once more. She needed Diego. Klaus needed him.

\- You don't have to, I'm on my way. Give me five minutes - Diego resumed to walk, and as soon as he closed the call, began to run as fast as he could. 

Only one thing in his mind: Klaus. 

_ Oh, rescue me (would you rescue me?) _

_ Would you rescue me? _

_ Oh, rescue me _

_ Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? _

_ Would you take my call when I start to crack? _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

_ Would you rescue me? _

_ Would you rescue me when I'm by myself? _

_ When I need your love, if I need your help _

_ Would you rescue me? Uh _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody, thanks for your kudos and comments, it means a lot! Thank you for reading and hope you're enjoying the story so far.   
> Love you xoxo


	15. Hold On - Chord Overstreet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!! Suicide, depression, drugs.  
> Next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!! Suicide, depression, drugs.  
> Please if you're sensitive about it, don't read and if you are struggling with any of these things please ask for help, talk about it, there's nothing wrong. You are valid. You are worth it. You are loved.

_ Loving and fighting _

_ Accusing, denying _

Klaus woke up with an uproar, he did not think it was possible, but the screams of the ghosts had mixed with the images of his rape. They kept repeating themselves without him being able to control them, without him being able to erase them. His forehead was beaded with sweat and he was breathless. He stood motionless looking at the ceiling, not even having any idea what time it was and how much he had slept, amazed that he had succeeded. It was strange, but he had the feeling that he was dreaming, that he was in an endless nightmare from which he could not wake up. Maybe, he thought, he was in a deep coma and that wasn't reality, all that wasn't happening to him. 

Suddenly he felt himself touched, hands slipped on his shoulders and then down on his hips. Klaus shook his head, it was just his imagination, everything was fine, he was safe. His eyes saw nothing and no one, there was only air brushing against his skin. He tried to concentrate on the fresh wind coming in through the ajar window.

The grip tightened around his neck and Klaus was deprived of the shortness of breath he was trying to regularize. He was having palpitations, he was caught in hot flashes and sat down with a snap. 

Oh, how much he wanted to feel numb again, not feeling was much better than that shit. He remembered throwing away every pill he had so it wouldn't have been possible...unless he went out and bought them. It would take him two seconds, just two, then he would come back and Vanya would never notice anything, easy. And then it was for his own good, in short, she would have understood in case she saw him leave. 

Klaus stood up and looked around for his coat. Then his eyes fell on the black-haired boy: asleep on a chair, his arms crossed on the dining table and his face resting on it. Only to see him, he burst into tears, his emotions unblocked by the sight of the boy he loved. The shame, anger, sadness, melancholy and so much love for Diego. 

He approached him, but instead of waking him up and talking to him, Klaus took his coat and headed for the door. Now he had to be even faster, because if Diego found out, he would have been disappointed. Not that it was news since a week before, hearing the words of his girlfriend, Diego had chosen an accomplice silence, agreeing with her. Klaus should have been pissed off, Diego deserved to sweat his forgiveness as he had done in reverse situations. 

_ I can't imagine a world with you gone _

\- Don't leave - his voice resounded in the silence. Klaus' heart sank, he couldn't stay fucking angry. He left the door handle and turned towards him. 

\- I'll be right back - he answered with a little voice. His gaze remained low, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. 

\- Let me come with you, then - Diego approached. He was almost frightened, now that Klaus was there, he wasn't going to lose him like in his dreams. 

\- Maybe you’re better off - Klaus shook his head. He wasn't going for a morning walk. 

\- Where are you going? - asked the boy, curious and frightened. It hurt to see him keep his distance like that. 

\- You know where I’m going - said the other one, closing his coat better, preventing Diego from seeing the bruises on his belly. He would have asked questions anyway, but Klaus would have wanted to be less emotionally unstable so he could lie to him better.

\- Look at me - Diego was now one step away from him. He could feel his irregular breathing and he was shivering at the thought that he was sick enough to fall back into the drug business.

\- Diego...- tried to beg him, to dissuade him. He did not know if he could sustain his gaze.

\- Klaus, look at me - he carried a hand under his chin, lifting his face. His heart was broken. His eyes flushed with tears and the green color of his irises bright with pain, his face scratched and a little bruised. What on earth had happened? He was trembling under Diego’s touch and the latter noticed that Klaus was clutching the edges of his garment so tightly that his knuckles were white. Then Diego took his hands on Klaus' and moved them, opening his coat slightly until he discovered what he was hiding. He had seen some bruises on him, he was one who never stood still and often tripped over himself or some asshole, but they had never been like that. Violaceous, enormous. Almost instinctively he reached out his hand to touch them and Klaus promptly walked away, slipping away, again near the dining table. The problem was not Diego, it was not his touch. 

\- Please tell me what happened - Diego repeated to him, looking him in the eyes and Klaus started sobbing and telling him about the events of the night before. 

**Or so it would have been if only Diego had heard Klaus open the door and close it behind him.**

_ The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of _

_ I'd be so lost if you left me alone _

Klaus had left Vanya's apartment in silence, heading to one of his usual places to buy what he desperately wanted. Everything that happens to you demands that you refuse to stop looking, demands that you refuse the immediate result. Go another way, look elsewhere, do what is necessary to stop looking. You don’t have to run, you don’t have to stop, and then plow without a direction. But you don't have to stop looking. Because that's what it means - to stop looking - to die. And Klaus was tired, so tired that he stopped looking. He wanted to end it all, to stop suffering pain after pain and trauma. He knew that, sooner or later, that moment in life when he would have to stop what hurts would come. Cost what it costs, hurt what it hurts. That was the moment in his life when he wanted to end what was hurting. 

It seemed easy, it seemed like a decision made head-on, but it was not. Only a minority of people who think about suicide actually take their own life. Klaus had thought about it several times, but then he had managed to pull himself out of that macabre thought in one way or another. But now he could no longer even reason under the growing weight of suffering and despair. It wasn't a simple "crisis" or a "whim", something so serious could never have been and whoever thought it, was a big insensitive asshole. Often the weight of suffering prevents people from looking for outlets and making contact with other people who could help, but for Klaus it was like being in a tunnel that was getting narrower and narrower and the only way out was to let himself be suffocated by the walls around him. He had endured so much shit for years, alone, and he didn't feel he could live with that sense of shame and perennial fear that upset even his bones. Everyone had a life, everyone around him had something or someone and he had nothing but his addiction, his fucking power and now the clear images of his rape. Enough. Time-out: and this time for good.

He spent his last $50 on cocaine pills. However, he decided that before leaving, he wanted to say goodbye to Vanya, but even more to Diego. His last words to him were "You're a fucking asshole, I trusted you" and Klaus knew that he would torture himself for life, that he would never forgive himself, but it was not his fault. Nothing he was going to do included Diego, in fact, he had been the only good thing in his life and he was going to keep him with him forever. It was better to leave him with his heart in peace, leaving him a last kiss on the lips and maybe promising to see each other again after a few minutes. Diego would have lived better without him, he was sure. Klaus felt like a big asshole, but still: the weight of suffering prevents people like him from finding outlets and getting in touch with people who could help, everything was black and he was terribly lonely. So he made his way to Vanya's apartment. 

\- Klaus! Diego went out looking for you five minutes ago... - his sister had just reached the front door and hugged him worried. 

\- Sorry, I needed some air - he replied, giving her a hug in return. He was still unable to say what he wanted to say, he remained silent, holding her to himself. He took time to enjoy the hug. Vanya would remain forever his little sister, the sweet little Vanya... That sensitive little girl who loved to talk to him in front of the fireplace, the one who played the violin for him when he was sad, the one who put eyeliner over his eyes, telling him how beautiful they were, the one who had made him happy simply by wearing her dress, the one who had loved him so much, always. 

\- Keep the keys, I have to go to work, but you make yourself at home - Vanya left him in a hurry, probably late already. She put the keys in Klaus's hand, and he nodded. One of the voices in his head told him that she didn't care about him, that he'd better get it over with. And he listened to it.

\- I love you, V - Klaus tried to smile at her. His sister messed up his hair that she loved so much and put a kiss on his cheek, then ran away waving goodbye. 

The boy went up the stairs and entered the small apartment. He left the keys on the table and stopped for a moment. Tears started to come out and Klaus let the pain take hold of him. He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't go on. It was too much pain and that was his breaking point. He started having much stronger and more real flashbacks than that morning, which caused him to have a panic attack. So he took his pills and went to the bathroom, locking himself from the inside. He held the bag in his hands, crying so profusely that his vision was blurred. What he felt was comparable to vivisection, a torture that never seemed to end. And he wanted it to end soon. 

The first pill, the second and again the third. The pain began to fade.

Klaus threw cocaine pill after cocaine pill into his body, until he collapsed on the floor. 

Can you imagine such a big pain?

_ You locked yourself in the bathroom _

_ Lying on the floor when I break through _

Diego woke up and the first thing he did was look around to find Klaus. The night before he had arrived at Vanya's house exhausted and when he saw him asleep on his sister's couch a certain relief had overwhelmed him. He had asked the girl how she had found him and what had happened, but she could only answer the first question. Klaus refused to talk about his pain. 

So when he didn't see him on the couch, he got up and looked for him in the bathroom, but instead he found Vanya, combing her hair. "I have to go to work," she told him, "Klaus isn't here, I'm going to look for him," he answered. And so his manhunt had begun again. Maybe seeing him had scared Klaus, he was probably pissed off with him and knew that the green-eyed guy preferred to run away from problems when it came to Diego. 

_ Klaus came back to my place, he has the keys, he will open the door - Vanya  _

He read the message and went back calmly. Klaus was safe and in a place where he could reach him, he was fine. But still a bad feeling was in the air.

One of Vanya's neighbors was leaving the building and left the door open for Diego, wishing him a good morning. He answered politely and went up to Vanya's apartment. 

He knocked and waited for Klaus to open the door. It did not happen.

He tried again. Still nothing.

He knocked again, louder and called his name. No sign of life. 

He sighed and decided to make his way by force. Diego knew how to pick a lock and it was child's play to get in. The room was empty as he had left it. The keys were on the table though. There was a strange silence, heavy as a boulder. Diego broke it by saying his name, looking for an answer. The door to Vanya's room was open and he could see that Klaus was not there either. He soon discovered that the bathroom door was locked, he was in there.

\- Listen...I understand that you are angry with me and you have every right to be. I have been an asshole and I have regretted every second. I should have said something, I should have defended you and shown you that I loved you. To love is half of what it is worth living for. The other half is to be loved. There are loves that are difficult to explain and there are loves that are easy to explain, but only the first ones are real loves...And I strongly believe ours is. I love you, Klaus. It amazes me to have managed to call life what it was not. What was not us. Language makes such jokes: sometimes it finds alternative words, doped-up words, megalomaniac words. Calling life what was not us was a lying hyperbole, a form that words have to hide what they should show. I think words were born because we needed them. Those who invented words needed what others could not say. This is what I feel when I look at you. You are what I had, and need, but couldn't say. When they ask me what I saw in you I can only answer "Me". The secret of happiness is to pass between the drops of words, it is to know how to choose from which drops of words to get wet. Your life is defined, in large part, by the words you have chosen to say and the words you have chosen to listen to. Imagine: an actor at the end of a show. He goes out into the street and has two options: take the street on the left or the street on the right. On the right street there is a group of spectators who loved the show while on the left street there is a group of spectators who hated the show. And the actor must decide. He still does not know what people are saying to each other. And he has to decide. And it is by deciding what he would hear, what he would fatally hear that he will define the rest of his life from that moment on. By taking one direction he would feel talented and able to pursue a great career; by taking the other direction he would feel frustrated and limited as an artist. Any direction can be definitive. He may never improve, already feeling the greatest, or he may never go back to acting because he thinks he will never be good enough to do it. Every day there are roads that define us, decisive roads that we have to cross. Every day is decisive. Like words. Like us. Klaus, before you I was the happiest person in the world. And after you I became the happiest person in the world. Before you, I didn't miss anything. But since I have known you, I have owned everything. I love you. Yes, I love you. With all the words and I ask you, please, forgive me and open the door so that I can tell you all these things looking you in the eye - Diego had let himself be guided by his feelings. He hoped that opening his heart would make him come out. And he waited. When it seemed like it was taking too long, he started begging him to come out, to at least talk to him to tell him that he was okay, but what Diego did not know was that the answer could not come. Klaus could not hear him, Klaus was not conscious. In the end he forced that door too and his heart died in his chest when he saw Klaus lying on the ground. 

_ I pull you in to feel your heartbeat _

_ Can you hear me screaming "Please don't leave me" _

\- No, no, no, no, no...Klaus, stay with me, please...Klaus - Diego had knelt down beside him and gave him a light tap on the cheek to wake him up. The color of his face became more and more dull and the heat slowly gave way to the cold. He took his wrist to feel his pulse, which was almost imperceptible and Diego began to cry and ask him not to leave him. A pain that he hadn't felt in years hurt him, a twinge in his stomach, an image of his smile, the memory of the first glance, the smell of his hair. Everything became precious and dangerously distant, like in a photograph.

The dark-haired boy immediately called for help, trying to do anything to save him, to prevent him from dying. This wasn't how it was supposed to end, this wasn't how it was supposed to leave him, he couldn't do this to him. He had thought that he could finally return to his body as if he was going home. His lips and a hug. The clothes too much when they wanted each other that way. The neighbors envious that someone loved completely. He thought that he could finally return to feel how he repaired himself in his chest, his arms open and Klaus as if he was waiting for death. But not like that, not literally. His skin was so incomprehensible. The desire to cry. 

Either there is eternal or there is nothingness. 

_ Hold on, I still want you _

_ Come back, I still need you _

_ Let me take your hand, I'll make it right _

_ I swear to love you all my life _

_ Hold on, I still need you _

\- I like being like that - Klaus had told him, looking at him smiling. He had his hands on Diego's chest and his chin on them, his smile sweet and serene. That was one of those days when, after making love, they stayed in bed until just before Eudora returned home. 

\- How? - Diego asked him, moving a curly lock behind his ear. He would never get tired of his angelic face and his emerald green eyes. This time he was sure: he would leave nothing and no one to separate them.

\- Frightened. Afraid that it would end - he answered, serious but keeping that smile. That didn't seem to be a good feeling according to Diego, on the contrary, it seemed to be a good feeling for Klaus. So he remained silent, giving him a confused look, waiting for one of his twisted explanations. He had missed them to death.

\- Reassure me. You make me feel as if it all boils down to this: the feeling that it is ending, that it can end, that it must absolutely end - Klaus continued, letting the words come straight out of his lips, without restraint, reducing himself to twisted reasoning. 

\- This frightens - Diego nodded. He couldn't even think that it could end, he didn't want it to end. Klaus was the greatest love he could ever know and have. He was afraid that the boy on him was thinking about breaking up with him. 

\- Yes. And it's beautiful, isn't it? - the curly-haired boy surprised him. He stopped for a moment to print a kiss on the corner of Diego’s lips as if to reassure him. - It's nice, sometimes, to believe that all this is escaping from our hands - Klaus had continued. 

\- Yes: addiction as a form of freedom - the other began to caress his face. How was it possible that someone so precious was his? Klaus made him feel lucky.

\- The absolute freedom to have no freedom at all - you are a completely occupied space. Nothing more than that: a completely occupied space. That fills me: to know I am an occupied space. It fills me, you know? - the curly-haired boy tilted his face to the side, letting himself go to Diego's caresses. 

\- It's a strange sensation - needing to feel impotence to feel absolute power - those words came out of Diego's lips. He thought about how many times he had felt powerless in his life and many of those times were about Klaus. His skin was on fire every time he couldn't help him, he didn't notice something, he let bad things happen.

\- For example, this plane: it has a one in a million chance of falling. One in a million. And in the meantime it is this chance that keeps you alive, that keeps you alert, that makes you feel every second. It is the possibility that something could go wrong that forces you to do well, and the possibility of an end that makes you start over: once, and another, and another. It keeps you alive only what you know can go wrong and end up with nothing you can do to avoid it. Life is having one chance in a million to be happy. It is good that you believe you are that chance - Klaus gestured with one of the tattooed hands, trying to make his example to him. He was basically telling him that he, Diego, was the one in a million. 

\- Your life depends on your ability to feel motivated with one chance in a million. Believing that you can be that one in a million: that's the secret to being that one - Diego smiled at him. All their lives up to that moment, they had said they were like two pieces of a puzzle: made for each other, only able to fit together, only able to complete that puzzle if they put them together. Without Klaus his life had been empty and disconnected, now it was no longer so.

\- Do you think so? - he asked him. His insecurity sometimes made its way into him, luckily Diego always managed to give him all the answers he needed to drive it away.

\- Yes. For this trip: I think I have found the million for my one. It's a simple equation: pure mathematics," he answered. Both Diego and Klaus had never been good at math, but it didn't matter because feelings and especially love were far from being exact science. 

\- You're trying to make things add up. Me too - Klaus laughed and then kissed him. Getting lost was not yet in their plans, one way or another they would always meet again, again and again until the decisive one. 

Diego could not say why, during the run to the ER, he was reminded of that memory from months before. He was probably clinging to that silent promise of always being together, of never leaving each other. Or he was blaming himself for breaking that promise and leaving him alone, making him get to that point. Or he was terrified by the thought that there was a possibility of no longer feeling the warmth of his body, his heart and his words. And yet there were so many reasons that were all contained in a single thought: Please don't leave.

_ A long endless highway, you're silent beside me _

_ Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from _

_ Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin' _

_ Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones _

The thing that drove Diego crazy the most was that he was not next to him. The doctors who had arrived in the ambulance had prevented him from getting on with them, leaving him outside. They had loaded Klaus onto the stretcher, then into the back of the equipped van and finally got in by closing the rear doors. Then he had to get in the car and follow them. He definitely did not feel in the right state to drive, his hands were shaking, his eyes began to blur because of the tears and obviously his brain could not concentrate on the road. But Diego tried to be as careful as possible, he forced himself to do well because Klaus needed him and did not want to take any more lives. This time when he woke up Diego would be next to him. Because he would wake up, everything would be all right. 

It seemed to him that the hospital was miles away, it felt like driving for hours and hours even if it actually took ten minutes. It was an endless nightmare, it was a bit like being chased by a monster and not being able to run. The feelings of guilt grew more and more, Diego was thinking about every mistake he had made and every time he had done nothing for Klaus. Eudora attacking him, him saying nothing, not going to look for him from the exact second he crossed the doorstep, not going to look for him for a whole week, not staying up that night to be there for him, not waiting for him to come back, coming back too late to Vanya's apartment. A list that was just getting longer and longer, in short. Then his head stopped for a moment at his sister's name. Vanya had told him that she had found him in pieces, that in her opinion someone had hurt him. So Diego had also let someone do that to him. He was supposed to be there and protect him.

_ They took you away on a table _

_ I pace back and forth as you lay still _

_ They pull you in to feel your heartbeat _

_ Can you hear me screaming, "Please don't leave me" _

He got out of the car running, forgetting even to close it. He saw the doctors transport Klaus down the corridor, running in a worrisome manner as well. Diego made room between the people and the nurses to get closer. Diego didn't have time to get near him and a doctor blocked him. He started asking him who he was, why he was running, what he wanted, so many questions that Diego didn't give a damn about. 

\- He is my brother, let me go with him or I will make room for myself! - the boy yelled. He was losing what was most precious to him, he was losing more than a loved one, more than a lover. Klaus was a part of him, Klaus was... There were no words to describe him. Diego was feeling too much pain to describe him. It was all so difficult and incomprehensible, he just wanted to be beside him, nothing else. 

But his hard head and his bad temper made him get kicked out. Two security men had escorted him outside and made sure he didn't come back through the doors. He could have knocked them out in one move, he knew it, but he decided that it was not appropriate to be a dick and aggravate the situation.

He got back in the car and as soon as he closed the door, he totally collapsed. He cried like he had never done before, his heart seemed to come out of his chest. All his "everything will be alright" gave way to fear and the conviction that he had lost him, Klaus had left. He had taken his own life, he had decided to put a stitch in it and Diego could not even imagine such a great heartbreak. And he had done nothing but contribute, he had been complicit in that extreme gesture. 

_ Hold on, I still want you _

_ Come back, I still need you _

_ Let me take your hand, I'll make it right _

_ I swear to love you all my life _

_ Hold on, I still need you _

Diego remained in the car for at least fifteen minutes, without being able to catch his breath and slow down his tears. It was difficult and heartbreaking, the thought oppressed him to the point of crushing him. 

His cell phone rang, ringing far away, as if he were in another world. He answered, realized it was Vanya and stopped listening. He stared at the entrance to the emergency room, thinking of Klaus insistently. What would he have done without him? The void he was leaving was too big to be filled or repaired. It was not like the two times they had separated, there would never have been a hope of seeing him again except in his memories. 

\- Diego? Hello? Are you there? - Vanya was talking to him.

\- Yes - he just said. He was there, yes, but only physically. 

\- I asked you where you are, you and Klaus... My apartment is a mess - the girl asked the questions more clearly. Diego's eyesight was blurred again by tears.

\- C-come, please...I-I'm-I'm in the hospital - the boy stuttered. The first time this happened to him in years. He couldn't visualize the words in his mind, he couldn't concentrate as Klaus had taught him...Everything was reminiscent of him, how could he live without him?

_ I don't wanna let go _

_ I know I'm not that strong _

_ I just wanna hear you _

_ Saying baby, let's go home _

_ Let's go home _

_ Yeah, I just wanna take you home _

Not even in tears is hidden a secret, the empty hand in a game of escapes: you love the unthinkable, nothing more.

Every departure is a death, and few lives go away with their heads held high.

When I die I want to stay alive, only this one.

And to remember each person as one remembers a fire: one lives to get excited, nothing more.

Pleasure is a fake eternity, and few mortals actually die.

When you come I want to embrace you, only this. And to ask you not to hide, courage is exposing yourself, rejection of the tacit: the fall is not jumping, nothing more.

The coward is an impotent emotional, and few emotions secure life.

When I cry I need to feel, only this.

_ Hold on, I still want you _

_ Come back, I still need you _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody, thanks for your kudos and comments, it means a lot! Thank you for reading and hope you're enjoying the story so far.  
> Love you xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Omg this is my first story here, I hope you like it and enjoy reading this. Feel free to leave some kudos and comments, it would be great <3 xoxo


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